Huxtable Hotness

Season 2, Episode 15: Theo and Cockroach

2012-03-05T08:00:00.000-05:00

This week, we are introduced to Cockroach, Theo's frequent partner in crime. When mischief, failure, and embarrassment occur, Cockroach tends to be involved. In his first physical appearance on the show, for instance, he assists Theo in not studying for a test on Macbeth. There's little plot to review, really, so let's just dig right into the couture.

Only once I moved to New York did I realize what a crap nickname "Cockroach" is.

It would seem silly not to start with Cockroach himself. This is Carl Anthony Payne II, who guest starred in 12 episodes, but was apparently fired from the show after refusing Bill Cosby's request to get a haircut. Besides this role, he is probably best known for portraying Cole on Martin. His character brings a real shabby-chic sensibility to his wardrobe, pairing mundane or crappy items with more fashionable pieces to create a solid look. Part of me wonders if these garments hint at status: not every family is as rich as the Huxtables. His foundation here is unremarkable: the jeans are practically featureless, and the pink thermal shirt is cute only if you ignore the fact that it's basically pajamas. But then you throw in thin suspenders, a funky blazer, and maybe a jaunty hat, and suddenly you're in business. This is another one of those cases where you realize that the children today don't even know that they're dressing how they dress because The Cosby Show told them to.

I'll sleep easier if I pretend the semi-popped collar is accidental.

The blazer is worth a closer look because it tricks you. From a distance, it seems like a flat black or deep navy. In fact, it's an extremely dark blue-and-green plaid. While it "matches" the undershirt only by brute force, I can't help but enjoy the audacity of the combination. It's ugly, but it's good ugly.

Teenagers make me uncomfortable. There, I said it.

Claude Brooks appears briefly at the beginning of the episode as Donny, another classmate. I perused his IMDb page and didn't see anything that really jumped out at me. He's a working actor who has played a few roles in a few things here and there. Anyhow, I'm not feeling this outfit for him. The pattern of his shirt is too fussy. There's a lot of business going on with the different crosshatchings of the colors, and the contrasting buttons just add to the frenzy. The gray in his pants works against the blue and green, but I can't tell if he's tugged the waist up too high or if he possibly has freakishly long legs. The shoes are an affront to decency: the color is drab and the style is geriatric.

Oh honey, who did this to your hair and why? And how?

Theo's romantic target of the week is Teresa, played by Traci Wolfe. Her brief acting career included this job, a single appearance on In the Heat of the Night, and a role in all four Lethal Weapon movies as one of Murtaugh's children. It doesn't make a ton of sense that a new student would materialize halfway through the school year (or that she would be so blazingly happy about it), but here she is, all smiles and uniform olive tones. Her getup makes me think that she's going on a turn-of-the-century safari. It's a very Denise way of looking at clothes; she's exuding that costume-y quality. Like Donny above, she's made choices that read far too old. The hair is squarely in grandmother territory, and the prim details like the pearls and black embellishments around the pocket and collar just add to the problem. The belt over her coat feels a little forced. She's obviously trying to make an impact on her first day, but I'll bet she got mistaken for a substitute teacher six or seven times before she went home.

Seasonal Affective Disorder, Cliff? Why the long face?

Dr. Huxtable gets two looks, but the first is just snowgear (topped by his episode #1.17 hat) so we'll move on without further comment.

Clair's pronunciation of Macbeth in this scene pleases me thoroughly.

I find this look to be so delightful. The palette of that sweater is wonderfully balanced; the amethyst, dusty turquoise, and gray sit at a nice midpoint between boisterous and bland. The broken vertical stripes are interesting without taking off into crazytown, and the black foundation on which it all rests seems subtle rather than boring. I included Clair in this shot just to show the episode #1.5 sweatsuit that I won't be re-reviewing.

Cliff likes it too, I guess.

This close shot of Cliff allows us to appreciate the shirt beneath his sweater. It's a great shade for him, and the delicate pattern of it reads almost like iridescence. J'adore.

She's holding a sewing project; her skirt does not have a side-bustle.

Apologies: these are unflattering shots of Phylicia Rashad, but we've been doing this for long enough that her beauty should be more than apparent. My focus here is on the clothes, not the woman wearing them. And what I can say about the clothes is that Clair rocks a deep red wrap blouse hard. The shape of the garment complements the shape of her body perfectly, while the collar, the hang of her sleeves, and the sheen of the fabric all serve to keep this breathtakingly classy. The black skirt is appropriate in its length and tailoring, and the matching belt keeps it simple in terms of tonal variance while continuing to boost the business sexy vibe she's giving off. I chose this awkward close-up because it highlights that perfect pearlescent nail polish she's sporting. Tens all around, Mrs. Huxtable.

Category is: MILITARY REALNESS.

In one of her boldest moves yet, Denise appears in what I'm almost positive is a regulation Air Force flight suit. This episode aired months before Top Gun hit theaters, so her selection has nothing to do with pop culture references and everything to do with awesome creativity. To freshen up what is essentially a boring sack from the surplus store, she goes for broke on the accessories, looping her head and waist with wild prints and donning every beaded bracelet and necklace she owns. The impact is outstanding, because she's fashionable in this totally alien way. Women are constantly pushed to conform to the standards of the male gaze, and Denise's perspective actively pushes back. Her look isn't about being sexy, it's about being awesome. She's not wearing what some dude will approve of, and that rejection of conventional sexiness is what makes her seem so audacious.

His character on Martin also mentions being attracted to Lisa Bonet at least once.

Cockroach still finds her pretty compelling. The close-up shows us how the patterning of her wrap hints at camouflage, adding some wit to her selections. I like that turtleneck under the coveralls, though I wish it matched just a little more or a lot less. Cozy, covered, confident: this woman is a revolution.

Eh.

Theo isn't scoring a ton of points with me, mostly because I think he can do better than red, royal blue, light gray, and black. That's a dull set of crayons to color with, kid. He's giving a touch of pizzazz with the little pinwheels livening up the plaid in his shirt, but this isn't much of an outfit, really. Clunky, pedestrian, poorly planned. I'm surprised that Teresa accepted a date with him; based on clothing choices, I'd have hit up Cockroach this time around.

I'm running out of ways to express my boredom here, Theo.

He appears later in snow pants and a white sweatshirt. No more need be said about it.

It's pronounced ter-KWAAZ.

Lastly, we have Vanessa, serving a dress reminiscent of her pilot episode teal number. It's obviously not the same garment, but I couldn't let the similarity go without comment. There's a certain languid appeal to this look. She's headed in the right direction with the belted XXL tee situation. The details trip her up, though. Whereas Denise used accessorization to her advantage, Vanessa just tosses a bunch of crap everywhere. The dress shouldn't have a pocket at all, and especially shouldn't have a star charm to emphasize it. For a girl who owns a million belts, she sure doesn't know how to pick them, because this boldly bedazzled one doesn't work here at all. I could have done with a little less bracelet, too. This isn't the sort of style that can support a lot of business. Just let it be slumpy and casual.

This is like The Cosby Show through the lens of a Family Guy flashback.

I don't have anything to add, I just like the absurdity of this screencap.

As always, I'll close out with my standard message about money. Huxtable Hotness is a labor of love for which I expect no thanks and from which I expect no profit. I provide a donation link only because the DVDs cost money, and without them I can't capture images of the outfits. If you feel like donating a dollar, the button below will allow you to do so. If not, I hope that you will at least continue to check and ready each week's entry. Thanks for sticking with me, kids. Until next Monday!

Season 2, Episode 14: Vanessa's Bad Grade

2012-02-27T08:00:00.000-05:00

My favorite part of this project is coming across an episode where fashion is a central plot point. This week, for instance, the title suggests that we're going to hear a lot about the D that Vanessa got on her big test. Most of the story, however, focuses on her agonizing efforts to build the perfect outfit for the school dance. Robert has already seen all her sweaters, and Denise has the perfect one but won't let her borrow it. This is one of the earliest points establishing Vanessa as the rule-breaker of the family. All the kids get into trouble eventually; Theo even gets arrested. But I feel like Vanessa is most frequent in her efforts to test the limits, as we see tonight when she hides her bad grade from her parents and takes a sweater from her sister's room after being denied permission to do so. Such drama!

Grimace's little brother.

Robert shows up twice this episode, but spends the vast majority of his time sitting at the kitchen table. We'll critique his shirts, I guess. He deserves props for that lavender, and for the confidence it takes to rock a full Lionel Richie haircut. But this garment is so big that it creates its own shoulder pads. Unless he's planning on gaining 50 pounds in the next ten minutes, I'm not sure where the impetus to wear this came from.

He's wearing a map of the mall. You are here. Style is somewhere else.

Remember when big, colorful watches were a thing? Robert's obviously very proud if his. Anyway, this is his look from the big dance we've been hearing so much about. I see what he was trying for: the pattern is eye-catching and would be especially seductive to a girl like Vanessa, who knows her way around a print. That hint of electric blue from his undershirt is just right; the hue fits well with the cool palette and looks great on him. There's no denying how ugly this shirt is, though. Can't beat around the bush, son. It's just no good.

Gotcha!

Those pants are probably the same ones from episode #1.9 and definitely repeats regardless. This shirt feels old to me as well, but I can't find it in any of the previous episodes. I think I'm just growing numb to all the chunky plaid. Against the gray trousers, this top looks pretty washed out, but I love the interplay between that infrequent neon purple stripe and the shade of the suspenders (which first appeared in episode #1.7). Also, I know the suspenders are hanging because it's early and Cliff hasn't quite finished getting dressed yet, but that straps-around-the-ass look is all over recently. Dudes love almost wearing suspenders. I don't care for it myself; it seems like such a double affectation. "This recently resurrected fashion device? I don't even care about it enough to put it on all the way." I get it, recent art school graduate. You're not trying at all. Sure.

Cliff is really tired during this episode. So, so tired.

This sweater was first seen in episode #2.7. It's nice with a lighter shirt beneath it, but blue isn't exactly the right call. It's tough when the top layer has so many competing elements: how do you match your other clothes to this? It's like rhyming with orange.

Radiant.

Clair also starts off with a repeat, also from episode #1.7. The earrings are from last week, but that beaded necklace is all new. It gives a whole different vibe to her outfit; there's something a little earthier about a swarm of tiny beads as opposed to gold or pearls. I'm so taken with the way they just cascade out of her dress when she bends down to get Rudy's bowl. Also, her hair looks a little more composed today. It's not just a big cloud, it's really styled. This should happen more often.

She's whistling while she lurks.

This getup is tough to assess because it's around only briefly and obscured by that big purple coat the whole time. I'm pretty sure it's a repeat of last week's citrus jacket and maroon dress, though.

Don't cross this pink. It won't be pretty.

She spends the second half of the episode pissed, but she looks fantastic. The moment she walks in the door, you know she means business. You'd better be in the top percentile of all humankind if you expect to pull off that much neon pink coat. Underneath, she's more subtly delicious. As a mom going out to a movie, she's casual and comfortable, but her choices still let you know that she has style. The chenille tunic is another one of those pieces that sounds disastrous, and truthfully I'd be inclined to hate it on someone else, but the rich pink and black contrasted with the paler turtleneck somehow work for me. She's reveling in those textures by putting something big and frayed over a much softer foundation. It could be slimmer, but again, she's aiming for easy and breezy, so I'll let it go.

As a side note, the thematic analysis in the show's dialogue was sort of a mess. Clair's pseudo-intellectual deconstruction of a foreign film sounds like what a fourth grader might think smart people sound like. Could they honestly not have found a film student somewhere in New York to give that a second look? Just wait until we get to the episode with the book club, which is even worse. Of course, I'm using my English degree to make this, so maybe I'm not in a place to judge.

Denise spends the entire episode fed up.

And now, another admission of fault. Last week, I said that Denise's outfit was a verbatim repeat of her look from episode #2.10. That was a half-truth. This look is a direct repeat; last week was the same gray pieces paired with a new pink sweater over it. She can, it seems, never have too many sweaters on at once. Anyway, I apologize for the oversight. But for real: why is this combo the one that keeps popping up? Is the neutral knitwear just easier to sneak under the radar than her wilder stuff?

Why so serious? Seriously, there's no need for all this stank.

In another episode #2.7 repeat, Denise throws down the same blue pants we saw in her Dr. Seuss outfit. This lighting gives us a better look at how shiny they are, but I think it's the same pair. Up top, she's sporting a matching-and-yet-not-matching navy patterned fleece. I kind of thought we had gotten out of the woods with these near misses, but old habits die hard with the Huxtables, I guess. Anyhow, this outfit is pretty lazy by her usual standards. It's too dark and lifeless. Granted, she's just moping around at home examining the contents of her closet, so I guess huge strides forward in fashion aren't truly necessary. I'd prefer it, though. My job is more interesting when everyone pulls out all the stops every time.

I never really comment on it, but Rudy is an adorable name.

I think it's great that Rudy is mirroring Denise here. In fact, she's sort of showing Denise how it's done. "Oh, hey, by the way: this is what you were aiming for with that drabness you're serving."

He looked better in other caps, but a derpy face from him is so rare that I had to keep it.

Well, at least this is new, even if it's not pretty. Theo's sweater reminds me of an Atari game, or maybe a TV test pattern, or a visual representation of Morse code or something. For all I know, he's broadcasting a secret message on his torso. If he is, it's a note begging us not to judge him too harshly for wearing a split-front mock turtleneck. That collar is just shameful. It's clear that there is a shirt beneath this sweater, but unclear what it might look like. His pants are unremarkable. You know, for an episode with so much clothing, it's amazing how little I have to work with so far. Unimpressive, family. Step up your game!

His pants are wide enough to carry a spare set of legs, just in case.

The pants are an episode #2.5 repeat, but the shirt is both new and interesting. It's masquerading as a standard chunky plaid. At first glance, you'd be tempted to call it black and white (at least, I was), but if you linger a little longer, you'll see that it's really blue and a sort of off-white or light beige. Then the subtle pink stripe comes into focus and changes everything. He also has a little bit of a mandarin collar going on, which further bucks expectation from the lumberjack-y initial impression. There's a subversive, layered quality about this shirt that appeals to me. It's like one of those Magic Eye pictures where you're seeing a blur and then all of a sudden it's a fashion triumph. Or, like, a duck carrying an umbrella or something. Well done, Theo.

Next time, take the shirt out of the bag before you put it on.

Vanessa is the star of this show, with three outfits, two plot arcs, and her name in the title. She starts off in comfortable territory, delivering a complex print topped by a garment that looks like it came from the irregulars bin. The shirt is lovely, really: the depth and movement of the red and black paisley are so unique. But the other thing... well, it's definitely knit. And it's overalls-ish, but a skirt instead of shorts at the bottom. And the bib starts right at the bottom of her boobs, which isn't a great idea. Is this like in The Lorax when the Once-ler made a thneed and it was just whatever you wanted it to be? I assume Vanessa sits in her room all day inventing garments that didn't exist before. "They're hooded shoes, guys! Don't they go great with my one-sleeved skirtlet?" Oh, and that indigo sucks next to the red in her shirt. Yes, even though there's clearly indigo in the shirt. I don't care, I hate it.

Also, if you look really closely at the wide shot, you can see a pin on her right side: it's those wings from episode #2.10. Was there a budget cut this week? Are we raising awareness for recycling?

Your honor, I present Exhibit A.

More old news! This is her beloved paisley shirt first seen in #2.7, worn with her opening credits skirt. I will say that the silhouette here is far more flattering than I would have anticipated. Another detail worth pointing out is that in this scene, Vanessa is going through her sweaters to decide what to wear, and yet one of her options is Denise's, or at least was back in #1.12. There are a lot of gray areas around sweater ownership lately. If Clair weren't such a good litigator, Vanessa might have made a case for herself based on a few key pieces of evidence.

Good outfit for a date. Bad outfit for a lady-on-lady cage match.

And finally, the garment in question. You have to admit: nothing we've seen Vanessa wear previously would have finished the outfit off quite as well as this aubergine cardigan. I'm a little bit on her side here. Denise clearly borrows stuff from others (beyond last week's snag from Aunt Sarah, she is called out in this very episode for taking Cliff's clothes) and wasn't wearing this particular sweater tonight. In fact, she didn't even have plans . Meanwhile, her little sister has a date and a killer outfit. Keeping the sweater is entirely a power play. Lame. Don't be jealous, Denise. Vanessa rocked this sweater, let her have her moment of glory.

This ensemble really plays to Vanessa's strengths as a stylist. She's got her bright solid foundation with the matching Kermit-colored leggings and turtleneck. Then she offsets the tight solids with a baggy, peacock-patterned shirt. The whole thing is controlled by the richness of the purple and the bulk of the wool. It's such a great look. I can't hate. Obviously, she was still in the wrong, so verdict for the plaintiff here, but the law isn't the same as justice.

I can't snark on this.

Because this episode aired shortly before Martin Luther King, Jr. Day in 1986, it ends with the family gathering around the television to watch a rebroadcast of Dr. King's "I Have A Dream" speech. The historical reference is really obviously shoehorned into the plot without any real relevance. (I'm pretty sure he never mentions borrowing your sister's clothes.) It also seems a little late in the night for this to be happening: Rudy had already gone to sleep and was woken up, Vanessa has been to a school dance and fought at length with Denise, Cliff and Clair are back home from a movie... it's got to be at least 10:00, probably 11:00. But whatever, the real joy here is watching people react. Let's rate the Huxtables on a scale from 1 to inspired.

Tempestt, you're in the frame. You know that, right?

Vanessa's pretty blank here. Denise might be thinking, but it's also possible that she's smelling a fart.

What did you eat last night, dude?

Oh yeah, Denise is smelling a fart. Squeeze, Theo.

Even that bear is more expressive than Vanessa.

Cliff is bringing the somber pretty well, but the winner (as in all contests at all times) is Clair, who is just radiating pride and understanding and even a weird sexual vibe. She looks like an entire gospel church is dancing down the aisles of her heart. Oh, and little sleepy Rudy is just the darlingest.

Well, that about does it. As usual, let's cap things off with a friendly mugging. GIVE ME YOUR MONEY! No, but really, you guys have been exceptionally generous, and it is appreciated. If you liked this entry (or previous entries; many of them are quite good if I do say so myself) then I hope you'll consider donating a dollar to the cause. Until I think of a better reward for your contributions, all I can promise is a personal thank you from me. But it'll be a really nice thank you, I swear.

Bet you can't wait until next week. Here's hoping they don't just all wear the same stinky clothes again. There's laundry in the basement, people! Do you know how rare that is in New York? It's like installing a gold-plated toilet. That's how rich.

UPDATE 2/27/12, 11:00pm
I know I didn't do my usual thing where I pair a character's clothes with a current runway trend. I was kind of hoping that someone would throw down an Oscar gown that related to something seen above, but my searches have left me empty-handed. I have to accept that this episode was not relevant to this year's Academy Awards red carpet. I did, however, decide that of all the dresses, the one below looks the most like something Vanessa would wear:

This is Lucy Walker, nominated this year for her documentary The Tsunami and the Cherry Blossoms. I almost chose Natalie Portman's polka dot ensemble, but this bold print sort of speaks to me as something that Vanessa might rock. And I guess it's not miles from her purple paisley shirt. So there you have it.

Season 2, Episode 13: The Auction

2012-02-20T08:00:00.000-05:00

I've run into an interesting conundrum. As it turns out, the DVDs order the episodes differently than online resources like the IMDb or Wikipedia do. Since I've trusted the internet's ruling on such matters up until now (as it has been my only source), I will continue to follow it despite physical media's recommendations.

In this episode, Clair is looking through an auction catalogue (for no discernible reason) and finds a painting by her great uncle. The man in question is not a fictional character, however, but real-life artist Ellis Wilson, and the work being auctioned off is his actual creation, "The Funeral Procession."

She paid $11,000 for it. That's roughly $22,000 with inflation.

While Mrs. Huxtable goes on a quest to reclaim this family heirloom, Elvin drops by to learn more lessons about how not to be such a misogynist all the god damned time. The story takes place over two days and features several day players, so we've got plenty of ground to cover. Sit tight.

TV auctioneers typically have the same speech patterns as the
homeless people on the train who talk to themselves.

Since it's an auction, it couldn't hurt to start off with the auctioneer. This is John Marion, who in 1986 made three screen appearances as an auctioneer: after this, he did an episode of The Colbys (a Dynasty spin-off that lasted two seasons) followed by the Robert Redford/Debra Winger/ Daryl Hannah comedy Legal Eagles. Eight years later, he earned his only other credit: a man named Carlos in the 1994 action flick DaVinci's War. My guess is that he was a real auctioneer, though I have no idea what to make of that last role. Anyhow, he's dressed in regulation '80s business dress for men: navy coat, white shirt, red tie. The matching pocket square (which in this era wouldn't even be a "pocket square" but a proper handkerchief) adds a little something, and the pinkie ring is a surprise, but really there's not much here that I would consider noteworthy. He does serve to remind us of the perils of huge grandma glasses, though. Today's twentysomethings, take note: you look in the mirror and see a fashionable, cleverly ironic artist. I look at you and see this man.

It's so lovely having a huge house for all our expensive things.

These three all show up at the auction as well. We'll work from the left. That first dude is Stephen Oxendine, whose character goes unnamed. This episode is his only credit of any kind on the IMDb, and a Google search turned up no other professional information. He just showed up one day, wore a blue suit with a tie I don't like, and then vanished. Next to him are the rich people. Like, basically the millionaire and his wife after they got off of Gilligan's Island. David O'Brien, the nameless husband, died three years after this episode aired. His resume shows a solid background in television, plus the occasional theatrical release, dating back to 1961. Betty, his wife, is portrayed by Eileen Letchworth. She's done television work here and there, including appearing as herself on an episode of Donahue for reasons not immediately clear to me. Regardless, they're doing a solid job of looking wealthy, though that pastel sweater is too of-its-time for me. I think a classic look is the best way to suggest aristocracy: well-made and expensive is better than current. And if you must go new when dressing your 1% characters, go runway. She wouldn't shop at Macy's, she'd have her assistant pick up the Ralph Lauren original from his studio, you know?

The saddest part of Annie Hall's legacy.

Michelle Pierce plays Darlene, Theo's arty love interest for ten minutes. It's later implied that her father is the dude with the mustache in the frame above. Like him, she has no other acting credits. Her style is clearly meant to convey both her social status (wealthy enough to have a pearl neck brace at 15) and weirdness (strange enough to dress like Diane Keaton, Private Investigator to the Stars). There's a lot that's going well for her , all things considered. She's playing with the right shapes and taking good risks. The overcoat with the contrast cuffs is a catchy concept, and there's something about the flared bottom of the jacket against the tapered ankles on the high-waisted pant that all sort of gels for me. Then the grown-up blouse with the excessive jewelry and precocious purse complete the look in a real statement-making way. Her neckline in particular has a lot of interesting things happening: beyond the necklace onslaught, there's the shirt's cowl neck and the lapel-free opening of the trench... it's all heading in a fabulous direction. The proportions are a little off throughout, though: she's swimming in this. I'm disappointed that she didn't belt the pants, but more disappointed that there's so much olive drab being thrown around. It's a great complement to that rich purple, but either the trousers or the coat should be a different shade. I also think the black of the cuff is a bad call. Basically: silhouette, yes; tailoring and palette, no.

Baking a he-cake in the man-oven.

Elvin is in that liminal space between regular and guest star, so we'll use his outfits to transition us into our look at the show's central figures. His first contribution has an old-fashioned air to it. The boxy plaid feels like something Dr. Huxtable might wear. I wonder if the generational discord is meant to parallel his outdated attitudes toward gender roles. (He's in the kitchen baking a cake to learn about "women's work.") At the same time, the flashes of pink bring him back to a more collegiate space. And he's wearing jeans that may as well be Theos's. Did they really just make one cut of jeans in the '80s? Am I just forgetting that fashion denim came, like, a decade later? Why do all the men have that same mid-toned, straight-legged look? Anyhow, I'm realizing as I write this that I can't stop looking at that little tuft of chest hair peeking out from Elvin's collar. I think I might have a crush on Geoffrey Owens circa 1986. In fact, I'm sure of it. This blog has forced me to confront terrible truths about myself.

Tension makes his face visibly wider, it would seem.

He's a little less adorable here, but he's nervous because Clair is present, and he's learned the hard way that crossing her is a bad call. But he's all dressed up to go to the auction with her. So sweet! His styling here is pretty spot-on except for that distracting neon stripe through his tie. It's the kind of detail that instantly ruins a classic look by throwing in a hint of the worst contemporary sensibility. That pink has no place in this color story. Otherwise, he's clearly wearing the nicest clothes he owns in an attempt to impress his future mother-in-law. Smart move, dude. This lady will make you work. She's worth it.

Yup.

Since I shun her so harshly most of the time, let's take a look at Rudy first. I mean, we have to face facts: this getup is killer. Pink and yellow? Old man cardigan? Matching striped layers? This is just the most precious thing I've ever seen. And seriously, her presence on this show is golden. I'm glad they nominated her for an Emmy, because we couldn't find a cuter little girl even if we spent years building one in a lab.

The best.

Yeah, I can't really talk about it. It's just too perfect.

Sweaters, go-getters, and jet-setters.

We'll start with Vanessa here. The skirt is from episode #2.7, as are the (out-of-frame) matching flats she's wearing. This look exemplifies her aesthetic: lots of yellow, lots of pattern. At the same time, it's a little more pulled together than usual. I wouldn't say it's dressy enough for the occasion based on the choices made by some other family members, but it's not awful. The sweater in particular is winning me over. I wasn't on its side at first, but somehow I've come to accept and even enjoy it. This might be the same Cosby-induced brain damage that caused me to consider making out with Sondra's future husband. If this blog ever becomes a book deal that earns me serious cash, I'm spending it all on psychoanalysis and antipsychotics.

Since she's up there pulling focus, let's cover Denise next. I won't discuss her clothing at length, because she's already worn this exact outfit in #2.10, with a repeat of the gray parts in #2.11. I will say that she's tragically underdressed, though. She may as well be in a bathrobe.

When Outfits Attack.

Things didn't start off much better for Denise, unfortunately. If you're not doing aerobics, playing sports, or otherwise sweating, then maybe lay off the sweatband. That's a phenomenal shade of red, especially with the satin sheen of the belt, but it's played against one of the ugliest browns I've ever witnessed. Maybe a chocolate or espresso next time. As for how it's all built, I'm perplexed by what she might be trying to accentuate. The outfit can't be intended to flatter her body. "Hey, everyone: what do you think of my boxy Transformer torso with diagonally bisected breasts? Maybe you're into giant ham hock arms that taper into tiny doll hands? They go well with this blood-colored diaper, don't they?"

Even weirder: this is her aunt's sweater. Sarah wore this top under her jacket in episode #2.9. I'm going to assume that it was a gift, because - spoiler alert for next week - sweater theft is about to become a big deal in the Huxtable household.

He's going to bid on a lot, if you know what I mean.

I'm starting to worry about Theo. Once again, he tries to bring his A Game but chokes instead. This time, he's taken his blazer from episode #2.3 and juxtaposed it with some decidedly uninspired options. He's usually not one to play it safe, but other than the teal in that tie, he's kept his garments in the same dark, bluish color family. As a result, his look lacks definition. The individual parts end up blending together. He's a few stripes lost in an inky haze. We know that he knows how to work with brighter pieces, so why doesn't he? Where'd you go, Theo? This man needs to get his groove back.

I wish she didn't bother me so much, but she just does.

The sweater she's wearing here is the same one Denise wore in episode #1.7, judging by that telltale insignia on the chest. But there's no need to think that she didn't ask permission to wear it. For all we know, this is her sweater that Denise inherited as a hand-me-down. Either way, it's something we've seen before, but not necessarily stolen. I'm not wild about this outfit, but it's more boring than offensive. Sure, the brown belt and tucked-in t-shirt are the styling choices of a 75-year-old, but otherwise this is jeans and a red top. Jersey and denim, primary colors. Moving along.

This season's hot new look: Living Chess Piece.

It was hard to get a decent shot of her second outfit, but then again it's not much to look at. I think the turtleneck might be fine on its own. She's generally comfortable in pale robin's egg and sea green shades. But she's gone and tucked it into a criminally thick skirt that begins literally just below her rib cage. A high-waisted skirt should never be made of plush velvet curtains. It's so ungainly. I can't help but worry over how stifling and heavy it must be. Her legs have got to be drenched in sweat. The weight of the garment probably makes it difficult to walk. This is such baroque torture. Because her skirt seems to absorb light, it's tough to tell exactly how ugly it is. If you look closely, though, you can see the hint of a giant strap across the top, suggesting that further knowledge of its properties will only enhance its abhorrence. Beware.

She paints with two of the colors of the wind.

I think I liked this jacket better in episode #2.10 when it was belted. The tangerine shade is also a little much over a maroon dress. It's not terrible, but it's another one of those moments when someone is wearing two assertive solids and should have thought about patterns instead. A print could really soften this look. I hate saying this, but take a page out of Vanessa's book once in a while. (It just sounds wrong, doesn't it?) Oh, how I wish we could see this dress without the coat. I have a feeling it's fabulous. That high belt makes me think that she's probably throwing down legs for miles, and one of those long butts that were so popular in the '80s. To avoid objectifying the incomparable Phylicia Rashad, however, let's focus instead on her epic gold jewelry. You wish you were wearing a matching cutout earring and necklace set right now, don't you? You do.

Like a torso, but moreso.

There's no way to discuss this sweater without immediately jumping on the shape it makes in profile. From the snug waist, it billows outward in a way that makes him look like such a barrel. The palette isn't bad; the indigo and black lay a nice foundation for those red horizontal lines, even if the grid is a little Tron for my tastes. I dig that hint of pink shirt. But really I'm eager to fast-forward through this part of the review because oh my god his auction outfit, guys.

Oh holy mother of knitwear.

This is, without a doubt, a turning point. A line has been drawn in the sand. For the first time in the show, Dr. Huxtable has shattered the definition of "sweater" as we previously knew it. Look at everything that's happening here! A giant crosshatched (leather?) circle with a multicolored stripe rocketing through it set against a vertical black-and-white print background, topped off with full leather sleeves. I'm... I... what does one even write? This defies critique. There's no good or bad anymore. He's off the map as we know it. I can't even really say whether it matches the rest of his earthly garments, because how does one establish any sort of fashion continuity once this has entered into play? It's difficult for me to form sentences right now. Hopefully this piece is on display in a museum somewhere, because I should really make a pilgrimage to visit it. Wonder fills my brain.

By the way, leather sleeves are now happening, typically on denim jackets. P. Diddy showed his Huxtable Hotness off at the 2010 MTV Movie Awards, while J. Cole put his sleeves on display on the Jimmy Fallon show earlier this year. Looks like B. Cosby knew what he was doing with those sweaters.

As usual, I'm ending this entry by begging. Huxtable Hotness is not a source of income for me, nor do I expect it to be. On the other hand, I wouldn't mind breaking even. My expenses are minimal: just the cost of the DVDs. If you enjoy this blog, consider donating a dollar to keep it running. Even a quarter would help. All donations are rewarded with a personal message from yours truly. (I know that's a super lame prize, but really I have nothing else to give you.) Anyhow, here's the happy yellow button that magically funnels your cash into my account. THE FUTURE!

Thanks, all. See you next Monday.

Season 2, Episode 12: Mrs. Westlake

2012-02-13T08:00:00.000-05:00

Even when we have experienced a loss, we continue to celebrate life by experiencing joy.

This season has already been peppered with references to Theo's extra-tough math teacher, Mrs. Westlake. Tonight, she makes an in-person appearance: after her ominous call to the house to request a meeting, Dr. Huxtable invites her to dinner with the family. Has she come to eviscerate Theo for poor performance on his recent test? Does she harbor even darker intent? Is she a good witch or a bad witch?

Usually, I start off with guest stars. Since so much of this week's episode is built on the suspense of Mrs. Westlake's arrival, however, I think it's only appropriate to save her for last. Instead, we'll start with Theo, since he gets two outfits this week.

I don't know. Something about Lisbeth Salander? I'm low on captions today.

He saves me a little time up front by making one of his looks a repeat. You can check my entry on episode #2.7 if you want some real talk about this sweater.

Sad, then mad, in plaid.

This ensemble confuses me. Previously, we've been led to believe that Theo is a snappy dresser. He's delivered several successful formal looks, yet this is a mess, and seems to be messy intentionally. It's the loosened tie that tips me off. The deliberate disarray of the clashing colors and patters suggests that he was working to impress his teacher with more adult stylings but missed the mark. It doesn't make sense. These choices are at odds with his usually keen eye for aesthetics. Look at how the turquoise stripe in his pants fights against the hues in his tie, which in turn battle with his purple undershirt (which shouldn't be visible anyway because the tie should be tightened around a closed top button). The taupe of the shirt is wrong against his skin and worse against the gray and black plaid of the trousers. I'm concerned not only because the outfit is bad, but also because it shouldn't be bad. Even when he's nervous, he should know how to dress himself. The story being presented to us is inconsistent with the character as we know him.

Ain't no particular sign she's uncompatible with.

Vanessa doesn't stand up today either, so we're once again discussing only the clothing visible from the rib cage upward. She wore this shirt briefly in episode #2.7, but our view of it at the time wasn't particularly clear. Thank goodness for these shiny new DVDs, which have noticeably increased the quality of this blog's screen captures! I'm loving this girl's continued love of prints. Judging by her tonal range here, she might also love Prince. Not hating on purple paisley, just pointing out a similarity. While the felty-looking jacket and headband aren't ideal, she's gone with a more subdued effort this time around, and I condone that. Her wardrobe can get outlandish, and this is positively Amish in comparison to some of her bolder contributions.

Her lower extremities have never looked more gelatinous.

With her little sister reining it in, Denise decides to go the extra mile with some Middle Eastern and North African inspiration. The shades of mauve lend some warmth to her cheeks and lips and playfully contrast traditional girlishness with the less mainstream nature of her influences. Pulling double duty, the harem pants both enhance the worldly appeal of the outfit and steer her toward a more hip-hop sensibility. The greens and yellows in the hat are just wild enough, managing to leap to the opposite end of the color wheel without being loud or showy. I'm a little dubious about the length of the earrings, but she's overall done quite well for herself here. This same point of reference made a bit of a resurgence with 3.1 Phillip Lim's menswear line this season.

Models: unknown / Photo: Yannis Vlamos, GoRunway.com

The cut of the pants on the first model in particular has a harem-y feel; also, look at the shape of their necklines and the split in the second dude's jacket. Denise wasn't so far from here.

That book jutting into the frame is the only Rudy reference this week. Sad.

Cliff has thrown down several cardigans this season, perhaps in a passive-aggressive effort to shame his wife for last season's theft. I envision him throwing down baiting comments in the morning as he digs through the stacks of knitwear: "Clair, have you seen that lavender cardigan? I know it's in here somewhere." He's letting her know that he knows. In terms of overall style, he's scaled it back tonight. I'd say it was because he's going to meet one of Theo's teachers for the first time, but he was wearing this before she called. His motivations will remain unknown. The textured top layer brings in a little personality, and there are a few hints of brighter color in his shirt's pattern, but mostly this is plainer than I'd like. The good doctor has more in him. Also, the placement of his belt with the tucked shirt makes him look heavier than he is. One is seldom trying to accentuate the belly.

Those earrings have been around a lot this season, too. So much stasis!

It's tough to be certain, because the lighting makes it look darker here, but based on the wrappy construction and the shape of the collar, I'm thinking this is the same top Clair wore in episode #2.9 (and also in #2.8, it seems, though I missed that in my earlier entry). This is its first appearance without a blazer covering it, though, so I'll give it a little notice. It's not my favorite of her shirts, really. The big, rectangular pockets do odd things to the shape of her chest, and the light horizontal pattern makes the fabric look cheap to me for some reason. Also, why is wardrobe not investing in new pieces for Clair? She's worth it.

Grrrrr.

OH NO THE DRAGON LADY IS HERE

Gurrrrrrl!

Just kidding.

Their love knows no hair clippers.

So the episode's big surprises are that 1) Anna Maria Westlake oozes charm and seductiveness because she has long gorgeous hair and speaks in an alluring Brazilian accent, and 2) she wants to meet with Dr. Huxtable because she'd like for him to be her obstetrician. This reveal actually brings out a third surprise: Clair speaks Portuguese in addition to Spanish and English, because she can DO EVERYTHING. In season five, I'm expecting her to build a spacecraft in the garage and change the weather with her icy glare.

Anyhow, back to the task at hand. We'll start with Jack Westlake, the handsome-enough and charming-enough but ultimately secondary half of this couple. He's played by Matt Williams, who actually isn't primarily an actor. In addition to writing several episodes of The Cosby Show, he created and executive produced Roseanne, as well as co-creating and co-producing Home Improvement. His shirt/cardigan pairing is pretty great in my eyes. If I could get away with wearing that electric blue, I'd match it with charcoal all the time. It just looks right. The pants should be a different color, though: I like that he calls the gray back when he gets down to the socks, but an outfit shouldn't be all the same shade throughout, you know? It's OK if it doesn't all match. Clearly, Anna Maria is not the kind of woman who dresses her husband.

Sonia Braga plays the episode's title character. You may remember her as Sophia Vargas on Alias or Samantha's girlfriend Maria during that arc on Sex and the City when Kim Cattrall's character experimented with bisexuality. She looks kind of phenomenal here. The goal was clearly to make her sexy: rich red top, leather skirt, seemingly purple tights... it's a very '80s version of hot, but it works. The Victorian cut of her sleeves, with the balloon from the shoulders that snaps tight at the elbow, helps build a little more class into the ensemble. The skirt looks shorter in that screencap than it really is; when she stands, it hits her knees. If the hem really landed mid-thigh, then it would be inappropriate for a first-time meeting with her student's parents. Then again, Cliff's going to get pretty familiar with Mrs. Westlake's downstairs area over the next few months, so perhaps it's futile to talk about boundaries in that context.

And there you have it, our first episode in the DVD era. I can't believe I waited to be forced into this transition. Grabbing the screencaps was much, much easier, and the quality is visibly improved. Thank you, thank you, thank you to all the generous readers who donated their hard-earned cash to make this happen. If you'd like to throw a little money into the cup to support this blog, I will put it toward the purchase of future seasons of the show. (There are eight total, and I intend to review them all.) A dollar, or even fifty cents, makes a huge difference.

See you next week, kids. Keep it hot.

Honoring The Voice.

2012-02-11T23:36:00.003-05:00

I don't necessarily think this is the place to touch on current events or offer heartfelt tributes, but it seems wrong to post a comedic entry on Monday without first offering respect to the legendary Whitney Houston. As I may have mentioned previously, she was second in line for the role of Sondra, so her star almost shone in this very spot. If The Cosby Show shaped your youth, then I'm sure her music did as well. Her passing is as unfortunate as it is untimely, and she will be missed. I hope that you will all send your thoughts to her family. A mother should never have to bury her child, nor should a young child have to bury her mother. Remember Cissy and Bobbi and the terrible loss they grieve.

Season 2, Episode 11: Denise's Friend

2012-02-06T08:00:00.000-05:00

I have previously discussed a key tenet of Cosbology which posits that a Huxtable's stylishness increases in proportion to that person's distance from home. While watching this week's episode, I began forming a second theorem: the funnier the dialogue, the worse the outfit. This one still needs some kinks worked out (Sondra, for instance, is routinely dressed like a school principal from the nation's breadbasket, and still has yet to utter a funny line), but there's something there. In today's story, Denise's friend asks Dr. Huxtable to check out a medical problem because she's afraid to tell her parents. After resolving the girl's issue, he calls a family meeting that quickly becomes hilarious. No one's really knocking it out of the park in terms of outfits, but it's worth a watch just to hear the family hash out their approach to difficult discussions.

It's just a bladder infection; the maternity top is a red herring.

Denise's friend, who chooses to remain anonymous, is portrayed by Stacey Dash. Now bear in mind, this was filmed a full decade before Clueless, in which Miss Dash was still playing a teenager. While I'm impressed with her ability to stop time, I'm more hesitant in endorsing her clothing choices. In terms of color, she does well with the seafoam, giving a hint of green to bring out her eyes. The details are off, though: poor tailoring gives her a dumpier figure than she actually possesses, and the bizarre collar somehow straddles the line between mock turtleneck and Peter Pan. The real standout here, though, is the shoulder-braced belt. I really don't know what to make of it. I feel that its outright brazenness deserves some credit; it's definitely unexpected. The element of surprise isn't necessarily enough to save her, though. Mostly, it just looks like she's wearing a purse, only there's no purse there. In fact, the strap actually prevents her from wearing anything else over her shoulder without looking sort of odd, which is why she's forced to resort to that handbag. It was a nice try, but I think society made the right choice in opting not to adopt this particular flourish on the regular.

A couple more things about her before we move on. One: she's in the Community Center from episode #1.23, so that's still a thing. Two: she's giving off a Whitney groove with that hair, am I right?

A graph and a diagram. SCIENCE!

Oh, Cliff. We've got to start right off by talking about those disastrous pants. I can't spare you with praise first; they demand immediate attention. I'm forced to guess here, because I don't have access to the actual garment, but it seems fairly certain that we're looking at a faux velvet or velour situation. And yes, those are horizontal indentations, and yes, that is nauseating. Stepping away from that as quickly as possible because ew, we're left with a Cosby sweater up top. It's not the loudest of his choices, but it's clearly two separate sweaters joined with a seam of largely unrelated colors, basically forcing you to acknowledge the fact that he refuses to abide by the rules of modern knitwear. Given the use of pastels in that row of diamonds, I'm surprised and a little disappointed that he didn't provide a more vibrant hue in the shirt to add contrast. A paler blue is hardly the best option. This would have been the perfect time for a yellow or coral.

Smart n' tartan.

This shirt is in the same vein as Clair's episode #1.10 sack. She's on the right track in her efforts to give the look a little more shape, but the top is still too large and ends up making her sort of lumberjack-y in her appearance. Fratboy lumberjack-y, what with the popped collar and all. I love the red belt and pants, though; her lower half is much more successful in displaying her proportions in a flattering manner. The only other thing to mention about her look is this:

Spousal abuse is hilarious.

Gold watch, silver bracelets. Bad form. Oh, side note: Cliff is being strangled for his poor memory about the night he proposed to his wife. One of the questions he failed was what color sweater she wore. Though the correct answer was white, he guessed purple. I'd like to come to his defense on that one: he's watched this woman wear a constant string of purple tops for something like 30 years. One can hardly blame him for forming the perception that Clair has only ever worn that shade. She's become practically synonymous with purple in everyone else's mind, right? It's not just me?

Shouldn't you be at Princeton or something?

Oh, Sondra. You continue to be a character on this show. How nice for us. And yet, I'm going to toss her a rare compliment: I think this raspberry/tan/hunter green palette situation is verging on greatness. On its own, I'd even offer unmitigated praise for the turtleneck. She's deep into Wrongsville with that skirt, though. It's so bulky it may as well be a towel. I mean, it's going over her sweater. There's never a reason to tuck in a top that thick. It's a decision that guarantees excessive wideness. You don't need hips that broad unless you plan on giving live birth to a brontosaurus. Also, we've seen that weird, minimalist pin before. On Clair, in episode #1.7. This girl is more than just annoying: she's a thief.

It's like a theater mullet: comedy on the side, tragedy in the front.

As it turns out, Denise wasn't wearing a gray sweater dress last week, but a matching knit top and skirt. I don't know that I love the idea of a standalone skirt that buttons all the way up the front. It's kind of Puritanical and lewd all at once. The ochre number with the black flourishes is great, but this is an instance in which oversized clothing isn't helping her. It looks too big and slouchy when paired with such comfy, loungey pieces beneath it. If she had contrasted all that richness on top with a fitted skirt that didn't practically hit the floor, I might be feeling it. Now, the hair: in profile, it's kind of killer, but then that head-on shot is just a horror show.

He spends most of the episode dumbfounded.

Theo brings back the pants (and overall palette) from episode #2.5, and the sweater from #1.18, leaving me with little to say that wouldn't be repetitious. The detailing on that collar is nice, even if the bluer shade is a little wonky against the pinker undertone in the wool. And, you know, pleats, rolled sleeves, et cetera. You notice this stuff without me saying it by now, I'm sure.

She spends most of every episode dumbfounded.

Vanessa has done the red/yellow thing a few times before. It's not foolproof by any means, but she's young and sassy and the aesthetic sort of works for her. She's giving us another one of her patterns, too, but I feel good about this one. It's understated, at least by her standards. Truthfully, I'm happy with this look. It's very '80s, from the giant red kicks to the leggings to the broad, broad top, but it holds up alright. I'm a little nervous about the black patches that highlight how heavily padded her shoulders are. Otherwise, this is sort of playful and fun, and not out of place on a certain type of youth today.

And now for the bad news.

As some of you may have noticed by now, Netflix has removed The Cosby Show from its roster of streaming options. Thus, I'll need physical DVDs to continue this blog. I hadn't intended on spending money on this project (just a great deal of time), but I'm willing to do it because... well, don't make me think too hard about it. Still, the cost was unforeseen and I'm not a wealthy man. If you enjoy this blog, please consider donating a dollar to the cause. Just a buck, really, I'm not asking you to send me a boxed set of discs or anything. Since this has officially become a place where I beg for money, I've removed the ads from the site. They weren't exactly hauling in major coinage anyway.

Thanks for tolerating this flagrant, embarrassing plea. See you next week.

Season 2, Episode 10: Clair's Toe

2012-01-30T08:00:00.000-05:00

Before we dig in, I have to acknowledge a disappointing truth about this project: I have been performing incomplete reviews. As it turns out, a few minutes of footage were cut from each episode when the show went into syndication, and that footage is not covered in the blog. I only have access to the streaming content on Netflix, and they provide me with the abridged, 22-minute version, not the full-length original airing. I'm not even sure that the complete episodes are available on DVD. But the point is that outfits and sometimes even entire characters have gone unseen, and thus unmentioned. Maybe one day I'll get access to these lost scenes and do a quick recap. Until then, I just wanted to lay down the truth . Transparency, y'all.

Anyway, back to this week's storyline. Clair is going to take Cliff out to dinner to celebrate the anniversary of the night that he proposed to her. This becomes a Smooth Contest to see which of them will dress the smoothest. (Their adjective, not mine.) Only a fool would enter any sort of fashion competition against Mrs. Huxtable, but the good doctor gets an unexpected windfall when his wife breaks her toe, forcing her to walk with a cane and abandon the new shoes she had intended to wear. Will she be able to overcome this handicap and impress the judges? The judges, bear in mind, are her children. And us, I suppose. (The IMDb tells us that three guest stars this week played various coworkers of Clair's, meaning there was a scene showing the repercussions of her stubborn need to go into the office without any sort of walking aid. I bet there were some great power suits happening, but I have no way of corroborating that assumption.)

This is his "well-meaning and unintentionally wise" face.

Grandpa Huxtable is back, using his sweet-talking ways to convince Clair to walk with a cane. Russell's look is a little less polished today than usual. He holds onto his signature dress slacks and white poplin shirt, but lets his hair down ever so slightly with this sweater. It's not exactly casual, it's just not up to his usual standard in terms of class. This reads like something Cliff would wear: the pattern is too boxy to be viewed as refined, and the color choices have a decidedly '80s feel that contrasts roughly with the more classic garments Grandpa typically favors. Maybe this is a top that Clair bought him for Christmas or something, and he's wearing it to make her even more sympathetic to his cause.

That bag is kind of big for just one pair of shoes, lady. I hope you recycle.

Clair finally harnesses the potential of complimentary colors in this episode, unleashing weapons-grade fabulousness by pairing her usual aubergine overcoat with this golden jacket and blouse. The palette here is undeniably correct. Though the outfit has a little less snap once the outerwear is stripped away, it's still doing its thing. If that shirt has a snakeskin pattern like I think it does, then it's one of my favorite things I've ever seen on her. Hiding a hint of diva in your business attire is such a Clair thing to do, no? Details like letting the collar spill out over the lapels really add depth to the look. Unfortunately, proportions come back to bite her in the ass.

It's not an unfair screencap. It looks that big in all of them.

Literally. The combination of wrappy top and ill-cut skirt give her the appearance of a significantly wider backside than she actually possesses. The thick belt is wonderful, but the clothing below it could use some work. Upon closer examination, I'd like those sleeves to be longer, too. She doesn't do a lot of orange, though, and I'm a big fan.

She has a second outfit, but I'll build suspense by saving her showdown with Cliff until the end of the entry.

A repeat for him is a reprieve for me.

Cliff saves me some times this week by wearing two repeats: his shirt with the non-matching purple stripe from episode #1.10, and his blue long-sleeved tee from #1.19. As with Clair, his Smooth look will be saved for later.

She was also the inspiration for Emo Llama.

This week, Denise has turned her body into an art installation exploring the meaning of the word "sweater" in its contemporary context. This is the first of two multi-sweater ensembles she gives us, as well as the first of two sweater dresses. The gray and periwinkle aren't knocking my socks off, and the collar is way wide for my tastes, but I like that she went for the biggest safety pin she could find in lieu of a more traditional fastener like, say, a button. I also have to give her credit for going wild with the knit concept. Her father is, after all, famous for his work in this area, so attempting to drive innovation in that field is a pretty gutsy maneuver. She's the Jennifer Lynch of the family.

This is the first shot I've had to censor. I didn't want to ruin the surprise.

The giant pink sweater dress somehow proved insufficient on its own, so she's belted it with a second sweater. I would have urged her toward an actual belt, but it's too late now. Going with a gray pant underneath was a nice touch, and the giant cuffs to match the turtleneck also work for me. She's rocking some sort of brooch, and though we never get a good look at it, I'm going to assume that it's wonderful. Her brooch game is generally on point. This getup kind of does it for me: the more I review it, the more I think it speaks to Denise's essence as a character. It's weird but wearable, off-putting and endearing at the same time, different by nature rather than by effort... way to tell a story through clothes, wardrobe staff.

What's the deal with all that teal?

I can't shake the feeling that Theo is wearing a women's sweater here. It's not just the sizing, though that helps push it into the realm of something Denise or Vanessa might wear. The diamond patterning is the kind of thing you see a lot in clothing for women: the design creates the optical illusion of a slimmer waist in comparison to one's hips and chest. While men certainly desire a broad shouldered, narrow-hipped physique, they typically aim for an inverted triangle as the ideal build. This garment implies more of an hourglass. The color scheme is neutral in terms of gender, and looks nice on him. The shirt beneath is a little off; I'd like it if worn separately, but it's doing that thing where it's just a hair off from the color it's trying to be. When will we learn, Huxtables? Don't match, coordinate.

Better than tiger blood. Definitely winning.

For his second look, Theo revisits his episode #2.7 cargo jeans, but makes up for the repetition with a pretty bonkers top. It's funny, because my track record leaves me obligated to dislike this on the grounds that it is a sweatshirt. And the truth is that I don't adore the make of the shirt so much as I enjoy the print. It's a tiger, people! Not just the stripes, but the head and paws, too. He's wearing a giant tiger. This is the kind of top that you run across in a thrift store and buy immediately because you're going to get so much cred out of your ironic look. He's laying the foundation for a future in which kids with non-prescription glasses and experimental facial hair arrangements will gravitate toward garments this brash without even realizing that they're touching greatness. They won't think to flash just a glimmer of orange at the neckline, or to roll the sleeves with panache. Don't worry, Theo. I'm here. I get you.

So much trying, so little succeeding.

Vanessa must take her family's tendency toward flat tones as a personal challenge, because her shirts often incorporate a mishmash of eight or nine patterns bleeding together, apparently in some vain quest to single-handedly invigorate the house's overall fashion impact. Maybe I've just been beaten into submission by previous, more violent efforts in this regard, but I actually like this shirt. I could see it being the best part of an outfit that didn't involve a garment that is simultaneously overalls, a miniskirt, and a vest. Veskirteralls? Overskvest? Turducken? In electric blue, no less! There's nothing about it that is good or makes sense. Who will take this beastly abomination into Mordor and toss it into the howling crevice from which it was forged? Side note: those wings aren't fooling anyone, we know you're not a pilot.

An affront even from the back.

This look officially grosses me out. She's starting from a not-entirely-terrible foundation. A collared shirt tucked into high-waisted shorts is, if not the best possible option, at least an option that has been tried before with moderate success. Similarly, gray and yellow aren't best friends, but neither are they mortal enemies. (Not that those red high tops are helping anything.) Her fish earrings are adorable, and I think they're even a different pair than the ones in episode #1.20, which looked greener. But then the villain of the story comes along in the form of this grotesque vest that reaches practically to her knees. Not everything can be a dress, kids. Just buying an extra large and pretending you're innovating doesn't cut it. Especially when you're working with an awful pattern in a tonal range that spectacularly clashes with the rest of your outfit. This is an awful, near-unforgivable mess.

Since she's there, we'll stop to look at Rudy just long enough to notice that she is better dressed than Vanessa. But enough of this amateur hour nonsense. We're having us a good, old-fashioned walk-off.

We have different definitions of "smooth," it would appear.

Look, I said already that you don't get into a fashion contest with Clair, but that doesn't mean you don't even try! Cliff is wearing probably his worst suit yet. Navy is a problematic shade for him in general, and here in particular he's not doing himself any favors. It's the kind of thing you wear to a business meeting rather than a dinner out. This was his chance to show a little flair, and he entirely missed the mark. The suspenders are a nice touch, but again, he has better ones. The flat black isn't smooth, it's dull. And besides, navy and black aren't that awesome together in my eyes. I like that the jacket is lined, but I don't like the way the lining looks with the tie, or the way the tie looks with the handkerchief in his pocket, or really the way the tie looks with the suit overall. Once more: he has better ties. The swirls of deep reds and purples and even greens and mustards all look sloppy and undifferentiated. It's too low-contrast in its presentation, and doesn't show the level of care one would expect from a person entering a fashion contest, for heaven's sake! He has more stylish shirts, too, even if this one is just fine. The tailoring here is sleeker than his black suit, I suppose, and the lapel is nicely understated. Other than that, he's swimming in a sea of misfires.

HAVE MERCY.

When Clair first marched down the stairs in this, I had reservations. This, is, to quote the prophet Tim Gunn, "a lot of look." It's hard to pull off an entirely metallic ensemble, and adding four colors of stripes (going both vertically and horizontally at different points) and then overlaying a floral on top of that is pretty much begging for the whole thing to topple. But when you're Phylicia Rashad, you can call down your superpowers and wear whatever you damn well please. She's not exactly in a trash bag, either: the draping and wrapping effects are sexy while still offering complete coverage. The matching pants keep it demure. There's a hint of Eastern inspiration here; the sparkle motion of the fabric makes it feel like a sari a little bit. And that one shoe that she's wearing matches perfectly, which is nearly impossible when you're working with the kind of complexity that she's handling.

If you're looking to for some shimmery, flowy duds of your own, you should check Haider Ackermann's Fall 2011 ready-to-wear line.

Models: Josephine Skriver (l), Ataui Deng (c), and Sigrid Agren (r) / Photos: Monica Feudi, feudiguaineri.com

His designs are tighter and abandon pattern in favor of richer hues, but the parallels remain. And of course, that paper bag on Clair's foot from earlier is still begging for a big reveal. I won't leave you hanging.

OMG, shoes.

Oh Clair. First, let's take a moment to appreciate the fabric in close-up. It's just magnificent. The sandal is also pretty rad. It's perhaps a hair overdone; there's a slight artsy-craftsy aura about it. But she goes for it with the India theme, throwing down multicolored baubles and faux jewels in style. The confidence on display here is really the key ingredient, though. This woman is walking with a cane while carrying a staggering array of colors, patterns, and design influences on her back. To ooze this kind of bravado on top of it all is simply unbeatable. Sorry, Cliff. You were demolished.

The kids, of course, agreed. Duh.

I love the episodes centered on fashion. One of these days, I really do need to get in touch with Sarah Lemire (costume designer) and pick her brain. Anyhow, until next week, dears.

Season 2, Episode 9: Clair's Sister

2012-01-23T08:00:00.000-05:00

Today, we get introduced to the other members of the Hanks clan. Clair's sister Sarah just got engaged, so the family gathers to talk about wedding plans, play chess, and tease each other. Not a ton happens, though it's great to hear Denise talk about her disdain for traditional marriage, and Clair's song with her father at the end is lovely.

If the Occupy movement existed back then, Denise would have protested these guys.

The episode begins with these two suave dudes putting the moves on Clair and Sarah in the restaurant where they're eating lunch. On the left is Jeff Mooring, playing Greg. You might recognize him as Dave from Sports Night or Reporter Phil from The West Wing. He looks pretty classy in his pin-striped suit. It's a tough look to fail at, honestly. On the right is Russell Curry, who has held recurring roles on Santa Barbara and Sunset Beach, two shows I've never even heard of. The IMDb credits him as Tad, though I could have sworn he said Thad when he introduced himself. I'm not particularly fond of either name, though they were both popular in the 80s for some reason. He's going a little riskier with his outfit, and it's veering slightly toward used car salesman territory. It's not clownish, but it's a hair louder than it needs to be. I might have been a little safer with the tie if I were wearing a plaid blazer, but that's just me.

I was going to speculate about her age in relation to Clair's, but the

data points in that area are convoluted enough already.

Continuing with guest appearances, Yvonne Erwin plays Clair's sister Sarah, a role she will reprise once more before the series ends. Her resume is pretty sad stuff; the only thing you might have actually seen is Crocodile Dundee, where she has an uncredited appearance dancing in the bakcground with her twin sister. At least she has achieved internet immortality in this blog now. (I'm sure she'd be just thrilled to know that.) Anyhow, she starts off the episode in a pretty interesting getup. The cream exterior and tan lining provide a nice, calm foundation for the showier detailing in the nontraditional lapel and dangerously high split in her skirt. From there, things get a little intense, though: the height of the turtleneck makes her look like she has extra vertebrae, and the too-tight bun gives her an odd cranial shape. It gets a little alien, particularly with the sci-fi seams on that top. Doesn't her head look too small in the long shot? I'm not saying she is deformed, just that the styling isn't doing her any favors.

The long shots really highlight how hard the clothes are working
to give her form a less humanoid appearance.

Her second look is a similar mix of good and bad. That screaming pink is fabulous, and the mini-cowl thing she has going on with the neckline is a better look for her. On the other hand, the top's overall proportions are ludicrous, and since she's rocking the tiny-head bun again, the sizing is still a pronounced challenge. Proportions come into play with the trousers, too, though it was tough to really convey that through the images I was able to capture. She has a riding pants thing happening, where they're super chunky up top and then way tapered from the knee down. I'm not sure if the intention here was to mimic aristocracy or what, but I'm not feeling it. Getting down to the jewelry, it's again a mixed bag. The brooch at her neck that she stole from the set of The Neverending Story? A little bit great. The earrings? A poor match, and also ugly even by themselves. Next time, Sarah, we're going to aim for consistency. I feel like even "all terrible" is better than "some terrible and some great."

You better lock that down, Sarah.

You know who Sarah's going to marry? Mario Van Peebles. Well, she's marrying "Garvin," but you know what I mean. Let's start with the obvious: he's mad handsome. Also obvious: while he's a snappy dresser, he's keeping it pretty standard. Navy blazer, red tie? We've all seen it. You can coast with outfits like this when you're handsome. I included the trench coat so that you could see it, but not because I have anything to add. It is what it is.

Clair clearly learned stankface from her dad.

The stalwart patriarch Al Hanks is played by jazz great Joe Williams. His album Nothin' but the Blues had won a Grammy the year before this episode aired, but his career spanned a good three decades before that. His fashion choices err a little more toward comfort than class. Whereas Cliff's father is rarely seen without a tie, Clair's dad even unbuttons his top button. Wantonness! The snowflake pattern is also showier than Russell would probably get, but by contrast the gray-and-navy palette is much calmer. While he still looks nice, he gives the impression that he cares less about his clothes: he's a man who doesn't need to impress you with his fashion sense. The functional nature of his attire gives him the air of a no-nonsense straight-shooter.

This week's fashion-forward featurette.

Ethel Ayler returns with a far more reasonable hairdo. In fact, she's pretty much delivering a replica of Vanessa's season one back-pompadour, meaning that Clair intentionally gave her daughter an old lady's coiffure. As for the dress, I'm loving it more than I thought I would initially. A paisley of that size could basically wear you, especially in this loud a color scheme, but somehow Carrie owns it. That giant sash belt helps a lot by providing a break in the action while continuing to deliver a powerful, passionate purple. The shoulder pads here almost work because, when paired with the ballooned-then-tapered sleeve, they're very 1890s. Going back that far for inspiration is kind of badass. Tailoring like that was already vintage when this woman was born. Looking for a recent foray into loud, long-sleeved print dresses with conservative necklines and a divider at the waist? Proenza Schouler has you covered.

Models: Liu Wen (l), Julia Nobis (c), and Daria Strokous (r) / Photo: Monica Feudi, Feudiguaineri.com

Spring 2012 Ready To Wear. Carrie Hanks called it.

A woman this glorious shouldn't be surprised to get hit on. Ever.

The facial expressions you're seeing here are so much better in context. That wider shot is the look she gives after she notices T(h)ad checking her out, but the close-up is the real killer. When he tells her how beautiful she is, she tosses back a hellaciously flirtatious "thank you" while smiling like that. She barely moves her mouth. It's sex-riddled ventriloquism, basically. Now, on to the clothes. Someone backstage at this show is a fan of solid colors. Perhaps Phylicia Rashad herself. (Side note: I learned this week that she pronounces her name as though it rhymes with "militia," not "Saleisha" like I've been saying it. I'm assuming that if you read this blog, you know who Saleisha is.) Anyhow, while I love this piercing yellow next to the forest green, I still can't help but wish that the two were intermingled a little more. Keeping everything so flat sort of robs the outfit of interest. Beyond the more daring hues, this is what you'd expect from Clair: slightly big blazer, flowy blouse with demure lapels, fun, chunky jewelry. The skirt is sitting a little high, but I like to think that she'd adjust it when she stood up. We don't ever see this happen, so speculation and mysteries abound.

Speaking of speculation: what if I told you that Clair's second outfit paired this same green with a bright red? What would you picture?

We need to reconsider the placement of that lemonade glass.

Admit it, she doesn't look nearly as much like a Christmas tree as you thought she might. I love how we've never seen her in this pine shade before, and then all of a sudden she rocks it twice in one episode. It suits her, I'm not criticizing, I just wanted to take note. Anyhow, the shirt itself is structurally pretty average, with the obvious exception of that collar detail. It's a well-intended flourish, but leaping to the exact opposite end of the color wheel was maybe a bit drastic. Next time, scale it back. I get that she wanted to match the pants, and there's a logic to that choice, because this color pairing defies expectations by being kind of appealing. Even so, it's not quite coming together for me. I guess the collar works at a conceptual level, but falls apart under detailed scrutiny. It would be negligent not to take a moment to highlight how high those pants are riding, creating the impression that her pelvis is spherical.

Is that a chess set? Just wanted to check, mate... See what I did there?

Cliff, unable to decide between a loud sweater and a loud pair of suspenders, goes for a piece that incorporates both, essentially. 80 percent of this is gray and unworthy of commentary, but then we've got those vertical stripes running from each shoulder. The combination of colors and flared collar reads a little 70s to me, but I'm not against it. This is a not-terrible outfit. A different pair of pants would have won me over more completely (how much gray am I to permit?), but this will do.

We never see Denise get hit on, but I'm sure it happens.

I see this hairstyle on people of both genders every day when I walk down the street. Dear Brooklyn: you're copying Denise Huxtable. Like, all the time, and not just because of her 'do this episode. This big fat sweater with its big fat pattern is a big fat success, but the blue Hefty bag that she's made into pants comes close to ruining the whole thing. Oh well.

Meh.

Wow, when Theo gets boring, he gets really boring. It's a shame, because he has the potential to knock my socks off, and then he'll turn around and be all, "t-shirt and jeans, whatever whatever." Whatever is right, dude. I have nothing to contribute.

With these outfits, the less you know, the better.

This is another situation in which a character does not get up from the table, leaving me with an incomplete data set on which to base my conclusions. From what I can see, Vanessa has exceeded expectations here. The two shirts complement each other wonderfully; the colors are stunning, and the busier print underneath is nicely offset by the subtler white flowers on the outer layer. It's bulky, but I can forgive it a little since she's layering and we can pretend that the obscured shirt is well tailored. Of course, the whole thing could be shot to hell when she stands, but for now this is a pretty classy showing. This palette gets extra love from me, because it would work as well for office attire as it does for a tween's school clothes.

And with that, we conclude another journey into the wild and dangerous world of 80s styling. I'm glad you're all still here with me. Oh, and if you hadn't noticed already, I put on my big boy pants and registered a domain name, so this blog officially exists as huxtablehotness.com now. Update your bookmarks accordingly! Tell your friends! Later, kids.

Season 2, Episode 8: Denise Drives

2012-01-16T08:00:00.000-05:00

Uh-oh. A certain boundary-testing teenager just got her license and has her eyes on a car. This is the kind of episode that probably resonated quite well with financially comfortable parents who were really interested in the humor that comes with helping your kid purchase a vehicle. The rest of us were left in the dust, however, because who wants to watch half an hour of price negotiations? It's a rite of passage, I suppose they made a valiant effort to turn it into something amusing. And in Mr. Cosby's defense, his line about the car saying "What?" was one of the funniest things I've ever heard from this show. Anyway, most of the episode is a wash for fashion, so we'd better forge ahead.

Given his lascivious conduct, I'm surprised Cliff hired this man again.

David Langston Smyrl is back again, reprising his role as Mr. Lucas the handyman. His presence gives the Huxtables access to a sturdy newel post and an affordable car. He doesn't even make inappropriate passes at Clair this time around. What a guy! He's not giving me much to say in terms of style critique. I do like the offbeat plaid on his shirt. Its size is enticing, and the way the horizontal and vertical shades don't match precisely is also great. Other than that, it's standard stuff. He's in work clothes, after all: too baggy, doesn't really match, yadda yadda. He's fixing stuff, it's not exactly time to bust out the Prada.

These people are going to have a baby. No, but for real.

Guest stars can be fun, but they often bore me. Such is the case with Paul Harding, a character actor whose resume lists a smattering of jobs at about this caliber. His costume is standard-issue older dude duds. I have nothing to report about it. Ann Flood, who pops up occasionally in various soap operas, fares better in terms of attire. Let's start with the skirt, which you can barely see: it's maroon, which is surprising, and falls above the knee, which is a little sassy. It might even be tight-ish, though that's tough to say without seeing her stand up. The mustard plaid blazer is a smart match; in this context, I even kind of enjoy the padded shoulders. Something about the overall shape of the jacket just feels right. Again, this is contingent on someone having the sense to tailor the waist rather than leave the whole thing boxy, and the truth is that nothing in previous episodes should lead me to believe that this has happened. Underneath, her black turtleneck provides an appropriately neutral background for the showier parts of her outfit, and the black necklace (or is that just part of the shirt?) adds some depth without distracting. I think something like this could be made to work in a modern setting. Not easily, but it could be done. Provided you dial down the blush. Like, a lot.

The Sweatergeist is upon us.

Khakis and a white button down? Good, fine, whatever. The Cosby sweater here is pretty mind-bending, though. I don't know how exactly to describe what's happening with these colors. It's as though we're seeing alternating vertical bands of two different horizontal stripe scenarios. The specific shades hardly matter; while I normally wouldn't put such disparate hues together, I think in this case it's helpful to see clear differentiation. Like, that part across the middle where the two similar blues line up? It just stops making sense altogether. Does this make anyone else's eyes hurt? It's just too weird and I can't.

You can almost hear the "b'daaawwww" he's probably making.

He jumps back in later with last week's coat and an Indiana Jones hat. The latter is a mistake.

I need for her to change that hairdo.

You'd think this would be a repeat for Clair, but I'm pretty sure it's not: it's just another in her parade of violet ensembles. This one breaks from the pack by virtue of its being suede, if I can trust my eyes on that close-up. She also gives us some variety by opting for a sort of dusty jade blouse underneath, which is a lovely complement to the suit and a really nice shade for her in general. Finishing off with some silver jewelry, we've got ourselves a perfectly acceptable showing from Mrs. Huxtable. Not exceptional, but also not exceptionally bad.

No, really. Fix the hair. Immediately.

She's the only person this week to get a full costume change, but she changes into this. Sweats. Not part of what I look at.

IT'S EATING HER HEAD!!! Oh, no, wait, it's still just the crap hairdo.

I did notice, though, that she borrowed Theo's episode #1.13 jacket, perhaps in the same way she "borrowed" Cliff's purple sweater last season. Keep an eye out; she might be a kleptomaniac. Lady, you're rich. You can buy new clothes.

Where have you been lately, dude? We need to get your groove back.

Characters are starting to develop real leitmotifs in the second season. Cliff has his sweaters, Clair has her amethyst blouses, Denise has her red sacks, Vanessa has her double belts, and Theo apparently has cyan sweatshirts. This isn't the one with the shoulder buttons from last week, nor is it the one with the gross patterns from episode #1.10, nor the similar one (which may have been a t-shirt) from #1.14. This one differentiates itself by having a preposterous pocket. It's like storage space for a shirt that actually fits him. Downtown, he's giving sweatpants. All of this saddens me.

Vanessa and Rudy don't even appear this week, but that's just fine. We need to devote some serious attention to Denise. This episode is all about her in every way.

Uncapturable in a caption.

More is more, children! Look at the lushness of this layering. This is another Jenga outfit where everything is precariously balanced but somehow comes together into this amazing impossible obelisk. It's all working. That warm mint turtleneck gives a punch of brightness around the face before disappearing into the more muted tones of the shirt. And what a shirt! I'm pretty sure that it's all one garment from the offset collar all the way down to the baggy, faux-skirt tails. It's a hugely fashionable piece, mixing a sort of baroque menswear element with a more kimono-inspired feel. That brilliant wide belted section around her waist could be a cummerbund or an obi, or both. Moving downward, she's paired the sort of tea-stained upper garments with a rich sienna pant. Are those trousers actual silk? Is that what I'm seeing? It's all so overwhelming. Normally I'd hate on a blazer this big (and I'd be wary of a brown/black pairing), but here we're just sinning as boldly as we can, and it all delivers. Seriously, this outfit is my world.

Something like this could so be worn today. For a modern referent, consider Balenciaga's Fall 2011 ready-to-wear line, which played similarly with diverse layers and palettes to create an overall explosive impact.

Models: Aline Weber (l) and Karmen Pedaru (r) / Photo: Monica Feudi, Feudiguaineri.com

The colors are different, but the silhouette is remarkably consistent with Denise's selections.

But wait, we're not even done.

Desperately fabulous.

Oh yes you are seeing a turban. With a big ol' sparkly bangle right on the front because at this point, who even cares? She's hit some sort of sartorial Nirvana in which every move she makes is the right one. She's in a Zen state of oneness with all clothes everywhere. Look at the delicate print on her top, and the way it subtly incorporates mahogany squares reflecting the shade of her pants. The unique, odd yet not haphazard draping of the darker strap. The juxtaposition of the benign overcoat with the divine ensemble it covers. This is life-changing. How did this single look not change the course of fashion forever? We should all be dressing like this now.

OK, go rewatch the episode and take notes on Denise's clothes and then go buy something that will help you look more like her. That's what I'm doing today. (You think I'm joking?) Bye for now, darlings.

Season 2, Episode 7: Rudy Suits Up

2012-01-09T08:00:00.000-05:00

Get ready for a journey into the implausible! This week, Rudy "Sweet Feet" Huxtable briefly becomes the breakout star of her junior football team. She's ungodly fast or something, but her skills only last a couple days before she gets tackled and the whole family is inexplicably shocked and disappointed, because why in the world do they even make football padding that would fit a child her size?! Don't put Rudy in a situation where tackling could occur! Wait until you see the screencap of the team. The other kids are huge compared to her! How we went 22 minutes without her getting a broken bone, I'll never know.

Don't get shady with this old lady.

Also implausible? Ethel Ayler's curly side ponytail. Yes, Carrie Hanks briefly returns at the start of the episode, serving as the initial voice of reason. She poses the hard questions, like "Is it OK to indulge Rudy's interest in sports at the risk of her personal well-being?" and "Just how much pleating can a shoulder seam withstand?" A woman of science, she takes that second query out of theory and into practice with this power blouse. The subtle, buttery tone is nice, but dear heavens we've pleated it a lot. The 80s must have been great for fabric retailers; the whole decade was just an endless quest to force more cloth onto people's bodies. Baggier! More folds! Pad it! I'm surprised they notched her collar so deeply without, I don't know, putting lapels around the notch or something. There's a hole where more fabric should be, people.

Mrs. Hanks never stands up, so we'll assume she's naked from the waist down. Chaos reigns.

"The surprise is, there's no pickle."

Since we got a slice of Clair in that last shot, I'll jump to her next. I'm warning everyone now that this story takes place over several days, so there's a lot of ground to cover. I'll try to be brief, or at least mildly amusing in my verbosity, but gird yourself for the time commitment. If you thought you were going to be productive today, then you were fooling yourselves, because you're reading an amateur critique of fashions from a decades-old sitcom. Anyhow, the episode starts with a really tight shot of Clair's hand pouring tea, and when I saw a small square of this garment in the background, I assumed it was a bathrobe. Nope! It's a wrappy, kimono-inspired top. The cut's not great; her breasts are looking more pendulous than usual, and it's kind of frumpy in the arm region. The overly prominent button is distracting and doesn't need to be: would it be so hard to match it to the rest of the shirt? I'm drawn by the swirled pattern, though. It sort of implies roses without actually being roses. Though the fact that I mistook it for a bathrobe probably means that it's not an effect best applied to outside-the-house clothes. I'm super into the way that softness of her top is contrasted by the sharply geometric earrings, though. (Random nerd-out: her jewelry looks like a Dharma Initiative logo. Clair has secrets.) Also, note the foreshadowing: her hair is shaped just like a football helmet.

Suits belted highly keep Clair smiley.

Day two, Clair steps back from prints and goes for a flat sandstone shade. It's so safari, no? And check the drape on that sleeve. It's basically a straight line from her waist to her elbow. She's played that game before, and better, but I'm OK with it. Really, though, it's not much of an outfit; it would be deadly dull if she hadn't accessorized properly. Luckily, she has that gorgeous banded red belt and her button earrings that I'm sure we've seen before though I can't at this point be bothered to figure out when. The colors in the beaded necklace really pop against the backdrop of that dreary top. Later in the episode, though, I began to grasp why she hadn't gone bolder with her choices.

Dance it out. Ri-VER toot toot toot TOOT toot toot toot...

It's all just a foundation for her red coat and boots. The palette is a little McDonald's for my taste, but I can at least appreciate the effort that went into coordinating all the parts. Even if her decisions were wrong, they were at least decisions. Though I'm not the only fashionable gay man to have revisited the flat reds and beiges first seen in childhood: below are the first two looks sent down the runway from Zac Posen's Spring 2012 ready-to-wear line.

Models: Coco Rocha (l) and Hailey Clauson (r) / Photo: Yannis Vlamos, GoRunway.com

Clair's legacy lives on.

See that face? This lady is satisfied.

The strap-ankled jumpsuit from episode #2.2 is back, which is great because that's one less outfit to recap. This shot can also serve to proactively cover Cliff's sweatpants and t-shirt, which will also not be reviewed.

They never show her kicking the children who tackled Rudy, but I assume it happened.

Told you this was a long one. Clair's back one more time, again using her clothes entirely as a conduit for serving outwear to the masses. I've got to say, though, when your sweater coat is this fierce, you can go naked underneath it for all I care. Look at how luxuriously huge this knit is. The overhang down the back is divine, and the fact that someone constructed an entire trench coat out of yarn is something I can barely believe. She even matches the pomegranate shade with her lipstick. Can you imagine how cozy this piece feels? It's like if Snuggies were suddenly supremely stylish. I live.

Also satisfied.

Now this is a Cosby sweater. Notice how there's an underlying pattern of horizontal stripes. Then, on top of that, there are vertical bands. And then those bands themselves are decorated with meta-stripes. The overall impact is kind of a wash, unfortunately; his torso is more or less swathed in TV static. I feel like if I unfocus my eyes, I'll see a 3-D picture of a pudding pop in there. Letting my eyes drift would also prevent me from seeing the loafiness at his collar. I think he's going for "mock turtleneck," but instead arrived at "woolen turd ring." Not a good look. He earns back a little cred with the pants. We seldom see him in midnight blue slacks, not to mention corduroy, and I enjoy both.

Plaid-clad cad dad.

Trousers so nice, he wore them twice! It's cool, Cliff. We've all done it. Besides, everyone loves Newsies, so as long as you keep it up with that hat, you're golden. I'm digging the sweater, too. It's like plaid turned up to eleven. The more I consider it, though, the more I think Bill Cosby might not look great in navy and gray. His face is so dull here compared to the vibrance in his skin from the previous shot. Stick to reds, Mr. Cosby.

An oldie but... well, just an oldie I guess.

This sweater was worn with similar, maybe even the same, trousers in episode #1.8, though without the jacket or terrific purple shirt. Something about his coat has a lovely archetypal father vibe to me. It's right, though I can't tell why. The medium chestnut color helps. Very warm, goes with everything. I'd let this man teach me to shave. (Though why he'd need the coat to do so is beyond me.)

Her?

You know who's back? Effing Sondra, that's who. Judging by the boots, she hasn't completely excised the cowgirl from her wardrobe yet. As for the rest, you've got to be careful wearing white, and she isn't. Too tight, and it reveals every little dimple and bump; too loose, and you look like, well, this. The sweater has potential; I particularly like it in the close-up, where you get a sense of how the brown and blue interplay... wait a minute, what is... on her shoulder... hang on a second...

I really don't try to catch her at bad times. The odds are just in my favor.

No. No, no, no. NO. Get that piece of dangly crap out of your hair this instant. No.

We got to see the family in an actual outdoor environment this week.

This second outfit is so bad that it must constantly be masked by a swarm of better-dressed Huxtables to mitigate its potential damage. I mean, is it a poncho, or just a king-sized shirt? And if it is indeed a poncho, what unholy ugliness lurks beneath it? Is there a bubble helmet that bolts into that collar, allowing her to wear this garment in space or while deep-sea diving? Could the color scheme be duller? These are the dangerous questions I am forced to ask. It's almost worse not knowing.

Southwestern Desert Essence Woman.

Oh, goody. Entirely light denim. Plus, with all the stone accessories, we've gone full-speed back into country western. It's not a good look for her, but she won't let go. The top hints at her episode #1.21 blouse, but isn't the same. For instance, it's got those grody mock epaulets on the shoulders! I'd almost be tempted into complimenting that big sweater, but Clair already bested Sondra in that department, so we're back to zero on this one.

We've still got a ways to go, so if you need a snack or a bathroom break or something, you should really do it now. Maybe even put this down until tomorrow. The prolonged screen time isn't good for your eyes.

Those are headphones, not a weird necklace. I looked really closely just to be sure.

Denise evidently has a penchant for big red shirts. She's got a bunch of them. Here's another! The pants are a repeat from the season premier, but this clearer capture allows me to discern that the wacky pattern is, in fact, spiders. Spiders! She's wearing Halloween pajamas, I think. As punishment for this crime against taste, I'm stealing her army surplus jacket, because she doesn't deserve it, and I want it for myself.

I hate that I had to feature Sondra's horror poncho in additional screencaps.

Denise continues her trend of wearing this particular pair of plaid pants to support her family, as she has done previously in episodes #1.20 and #1.17. She's also wearing a red sack that could easily be another one we've seen before, even if it's not the one from yesterday. I'm not going to search through my collection and point out all the times she's gone down that road. The leather jacket is a good staple piece, but the purse she pairs it with is a mess. In fact, it's so boxy and ugly that I have to assure myself it's not a fashion piece at all, but a camera bag containing a large piece of 80s photographic or video equipment.

The silhouette is bonkers. Bonkers.

Before we talk about details, can we just immediately acknowledge the Seussiness of everything happening in the righthand frame? The shapes, body language, everything. It's like she's this mad professor stomping barefoot through the truffula trees. Now, getting down to business: I think these specific pants are new, but the style is as old as the show itself. This girl loves her some slouchy pants. The shirt has a pleasant hint of hipster irony to it; by buttoning it to the top, she gives that winking nod to dressing like an old lady while having the fashion know-how to avoid it if she wanted. And while the sweater is the third knit jacket carted out by the Huxtable women this week, Denise of course puts her own spin on it by opting for a split up the side that almost makes it a coat with tails. Like her father, I think she does herself no favors with dark blues and aquas; the shades look nice, but not on her specifically. Her face is so pallid up there! No wonder her torso is enveloped in a tomato costume half the time.

Stop. It won't be Hammer Time until 1990.

This outfit didn't get shown a ton, and perhaps it's better that way. Like Sondra, she has made the mistake of going for broke with this light denim hue. However, she's gone the extra mile by making sure there's as much periwinkle as physics will allow. We as a society have hopefully moved beyond parachute pants. I'd love for them to become like bustles or bonnets: marveled at in museums and costume dramas or only worn for specific dramatic effect. She's also throwing down a lengthy, wide-cut shirt. With so much draping and matching, it's tough to tell where one garment ends and the next begins. Moebius outfit! Also, she's doing the shoulder rope thing again. She shouldn't.

He might have worn this before. If he did, I probably ignored it last time, too.

Aqua sweatshirt with shoulder buttons. Boring. Done.

This top might also be a repeat. Who cares?

Red sweatshirt. Good color in him, but still boring. The jeans should be mentioned briefly, since I think this is the first time we've ever seen Theo in a sort-of cargo pant. Thigh pocket? Way to get the ball rolling on a trend that didn't really pick up until the 90s. OK, next.

His torso is carpeted. Your argument is invalid.

This is a bigger risk than he typically takes, but it pays off. Sure, it's sized inappropriately (what isn't?), but he's wearing a dragon tapestry. You can't really deny the wonder of that. The shirt underneath looks like it'd be nice even on its own, and it works here as an accent. Thumbs up for the grandiose sweater. Go team!

Denise only gives away her ugly clothes, apparently.

The hand-me-downs continue as Vanessa inherits Denise's episode #1.10 abomination. It's a poor match with basically every conceivable item of clothing, and this jacket is no exception. I could maybe get into the coat on its own, but it would take some real finesse in terms of the surrounding outfit. The socks and white sneakers are a little stark against the black leggings, and really those are only pants on a technicality. Not a good start, kid.

You jealous?

Hopeful that Robert might turn up to Rudy's game, Vanessa contributes considerably more effort to her second ensemble. I have to say, she looks a great deal more grown up here. Mostly, I'm a fan. She wears yellow well, and it's a pretty serious color to throw down as the main component of an outfit, right down to the accessories. I think the use of both navy and black as accents is misguided; they're a little close for that. But her instincts are overall good. The paisleys are exciting, the beret is cute, the shoes are much better here than in episode #2.3, and the blazer is just the right amount of oversized. I can get into this groove.

Speaking of yellow, let's close with a look at Rudy.

Look at the field! She and Peter are TOO SMALL FOR THIS TEAM.

The wardrobe department did a smart thing by putting her in yellow sleeves. Beyond her size, it's the only thing that differentiates her from the crowd. It's a well-thought-out touch.

God, I hope this family decides to be nudists next week. I'm worn out. Until later, my dears.

Season 2, Episode 6: Halloween

2012-01-02T13:09:00.000-05:00

Get ready, Hotness fans. This entry is going to be all about having a good time. Since the episode focuses on a Halloween party, there are almost no fashion choices made: it's all about costumes and outlandishness and putting on a show. As such, I have little to review: people aren't playing by the usual rules, so gauging how well they adhere to these rules becomes moot. On the other hand, there's a lot of creativity and flair on display, plus some interesting outliers to consider. Let's begin, though, with the actual clothes.

Spooky.

Clair starts the day in her episode #1.10 tartan, giving me even less to talk about, so let's just admire her decorating skills, shall we?

Cliff, I think there's a... uh, on your elbow... you know, never mind.

Typically, I work from the top down in my analyses, but I'm going to break that trend, because Cliff's heathered pants are a whole new ballgame for me. I honestly don't think I've ever seen that sort of muddled horizontal non-pattern on a pair of slacks before. I can see why not, too: at first glance, it's easy to assume that his khakis are quite wrinkled or dirty. Or maybe made of velour. Not to forever rail on about pleats, but I do think that the look would have a better chance on a flat-front trouser. The color variance is an attempt to make the pants more casual, you know? Let the unique splotchiness stand on its own. (That, and pleats are just horrible anyway.)

The shirt is a little Tron for me. That piercing aqua is too much. I like the concept of stripes of differing strengths and shades, but it's executed ineffectively in this case. The taupe band across the middle is especially perturbing. I'm digging the contrasting collar at least. One last thing: is that a dog tag around his neck? Or an American flag, maybe? Something patriotic is occurring near Cliff's sternum.

Her lopsided stance makes me wonder how many takes ended with her falling.

Vanessa is the last person we see dressed in street clothes today, and she's giving us the full Dorothy Zbornak. Granted, Bea Arthur would only ever have sported this particular pink if she spilled Pepto-Bismol on herself, but the rest of this has a real Miami retiree thing happening. I don't have a ton to say about it except that I'm not a fan.

Alright, now we get into the costume portion of the evening, because no, Vanessa is not going out as one of the Golden Girls for Halloween. I'll offer observations on each (some more detailed than others), but mostly this is just for kicks.

She should incorporate more of this into her everyday wear.

Vanessa kicks things off with a surprisingly thorough recreation of traditional Masai garb. My guess is that the show's creators knew they would be skirting touchy territory by making another culture into a costume, so they went the extra mile to make it look like a serious, studied attempt. I can see Cliff and Clair being the kind of parents who would not only steer their daughter toward an Afrocentric costume, but also turn it into a research project about Kenyan traditions. Given the amount of care and effort that went into the finished product, I'm going to spin a story in my head in which Vanessa was deeply interested in the subject and came out the other end thoroughly informed about every pattern, bead, and braid she's wearing.

You jump, I jump, right Janet? #timelyreference

Pam Potillo returns as Janet Meiser, this time serving Victorian realness. Is this what Halloween parties for rich kids always look like? My costumes as a child came out of a plastic bag.

He better be singing disco hits with a construction worker, a cowboy, and a cop.

Also, yes: that boy behind Janet is dressed as an "Indian chief." Oh, 1985. You were a different time.

Every girl crazy 'bout a sharp-dressed man.

The object of Vanessa's affection during this episode is Robert Foreman. Dondre Whitfield reappears several more times as Robert during the show's run; his other credits include roles on All My Children and Another World, not to mention a recent gig as a regular on The Event. Also, he grew up to be fine, so Vanessa chose wisely. I'm assuming he's another of the Huxtables' bougie friends. I don't know a lot of middle schoolers who own actual tuxedos, let alone tuxedos they get to wear to parties where violently red punch will be served.

WEEERRRRQ.

See? Denise knows how it's done. Her Cleopatra costume's success comes not from privilege, but ingenuity. It's all great, but the best part is that asymmetrical seam across her torso that inserts modern style into the outfit. It's nice that they brought back the idea that she has, and knows how to use, a sewing machine. Plus, if there's a fashion lesson in this episode, it's found here: knowing how to do make-up well can change your life. Check the glamor she's delivering in the face. So much blending and contouring! The eleganza, people! When your mug is this beat, you can make even a tinsel wig look good.

WUT

I think Theo is a luchador, but I'm not 100% on that.

"I changed my name when I joined the International Brotherhood of Teamsters."

Peter and Audrey are back (though last time her name was Nancy for some reason). He's a pirate, she's a construction worker. I love that her costume flouts gender norms, and also love that she for some reason has a green mask on her helmet. It says, "I wear the overalls and tools every day, but the mask because it's Halloween."

You will never raise a child this adorable.

Rudy is in a decidedly homemade pumpkin outfit. I like that it's both cute and practical: the built-in sweater arms and hat keep her protected from the cold weather, and the make-up doesn't go all the way to her eyes or mouth because of the risk of irritation. They could have done better with their fabric choice, though. Look at her in comparison to the actual pumpkin behind her. Way too red.

The exclamation point says it all.

Rudy dressed Cliff herself, though where she found any of these individual pieces is beyond me.

You better be good to her.

And finally, Clair, giving one of my favorite looks of the whole season. Though no one ever says what she's supposed to be, I think it's clear that she has made a Tina Turner costume out of things that were already in her closet. To me, this is the most accurate representation of Halloween attire in the entire episode. It's not polished, and it's not dead-on: it's a low-rent version that still gets the point across. I'm a little skeptical of the yellow socks, as I can't think of a time when I've ever seen Tina wear such a thing, but again, they nicely telegraph "I'm a rock star!" even if they're not necessarily authentic.

OK, dear readers. Happy Halloween, welcome to 2012, and here's to more holiday cheer of all types.

Season 2, Episode 5: Theo and the Older Woman

2011-12-26T08:00:00.000-05:00

For a school sociology project on large families, Denise and her friend Susanne are conducting interviews with the Huxtable clan. Theo complicates what would normally be a routine set of discussions when he falls for the woman asking the questions.

When Theo sees her, he hears Foreigner in his head.

It helps that the target of his affection is Robin Givens. She would look good wearing absolutely anything, a maxim that the wardrobe staff apparently took as a personal challenge. I keep looking for something good to cling to, but it's a calamity from every angle. None of these pieces look like they were meant to be worn by an adult female. Something about the teardrop earrings reads too old to me, though maybe I'm just concerned about the way their shape is mirrored in her outlandishly tall bouffant. The overcoat has a distinctly Gorton's fisherman air, while the blue romper would be more appropriate for a toddler. The undershirt would be OK in concept except that it has shoulder pads, which, I mean, what? Why? Must we put shoulder pads in literally everything? She's not helped by the flatness of her clothing, either. It's all single tones. Can we have a stripe or pattern somewhere? And does it have to be primary colors all the time? DKNY's spring ready-to-wear line plays with these same hues, and even a not-dissimilar silhouette, but because they use a print, their creation seems much more dynamic. Observe.

Model: Elsa Sylvan / Photo: Marcus Tondo, GoRunway.com

See? Instead, we have this.

The clipboard means she's a good student.

Belt placement is supremely important when you're wearing something this tight. One wrong move and your whole body looks like it was constructed from spare parts. By blocking her upper midsection with a white band that's thicker than her forearm, she unnaturally shortens her torso. And while we're talking about that belt: just because I asked for patterns, that doesn't mean you can throw any old random black markings on your clothes and call it a day. Thick belts (and white belts) have been popular multiple times since this show aired, so I understand the appeal, but they're not foolproof. I feel the same sentiment toward those crimson suede boots. In the right circumstances, they could be magical, but they can only be worn with pants this tight if you're in Robin Hood's band of merry men.

His character is on the wrestling team. There's a joke there, but I won't make it.

Theo is dismayed to find that his dream lady, who he's been pining after for over an hour, has a boyfriend. And not just any boyfriend: it's Blair Underwood, making a swoon-worthy return to the Huxtable household. Interestingly, he's playing a different person than before: his character in episode #1.16 was a friend of Denise's, but in this appearance he introduces himself as if he's never met her before. Most of what he's wearing remains covered during the short time he's onscreen, but there are indicators that it might be good. In general, a bomber jacket is a great piece to incorporate as a wardrobe staple. This particular one is a little busy, but I'm fond nonetheless. Beneath that, his cardigan has potential, though with only that one band of neckline showing, it's tough to call it with any confidence. On the subject of necklines, I will say that his t-shirt (maybe tank top?) appears to be a scoop neck rather than a v, and I think that's a mistake. He was also better off with last season's shorter haircut.

When Theo sees her, he hears Sade in his head.

And not just because her hair is pulled back so tightly.

Working to overcome his grief, Theo goes cruising at the library, where he picks up Tori. She's played by Victoria Gabrielle Platt, who you might recognize from her work as Vicky Spaulding on The Guiding Light. She fares better with sunshiny outerwear than her competition; if we pretend that the vest has a cap sleeve, ignoring obvious indicators that it's simply too big for her, then this is a cute piece. Pairing it with purples is also a better choice than red and blue. Her shirt, though also oversized, his a nice pattern. It's disappointing that she's wearing leggings, though. They're not pants, people. I thought this trend was new, but apparently it started long ago. Sure, jewel tones are nice, but that doesn't excuse indecency. When you're getting dressed in the morning, please get all the way dressed. Incompleteness is not an option.

Did Susanne step in something? That would explain why everyone wears shoes inside.

That's all for guest stars. Vanessa will be the first Huxtable we examine because she wears the episode's only repeat, revisiting her shirt from episode #1.23. It looks better in calmer surroundings; a garment that loud shouldn't need to fight against other bold colors or weird belts to stand out. By supporting it with a goldenrod t-shirt and chinos, she presents a little more cleanly. Baby's growing up.

She's better than this.

Initially, this look reminded me of her episode #1.24 outfit, but it's not the same. In fact, it's mostly worse. I'm fond of the warmer pink on her, but otherwise it all seems too slovenly. The half-untucked shirt, the baggy pants with rolled cuffs, the stretched collar... there's a real hobo vibe, no? The only thing I entirely like about this is the hair.

Life with her mother has taught her a killer glare.

Jumping on the Annie Lennox androgynous trend, she interprets the big hairstyles worn by women in her era through the lens of an Elvis-like pompadour. It's a bold move that could even have been a little severe, but she keeps it soft by leaving things a little messy and warming the color with some stylish auburn highlights. The finished product is divine.

Look at all the fucks he gives.

Theo starts the episode in jeans and a t-shirt, which we're not going to talk about. Of course, he steps it up later. In fact, we're led to believe that he picks a new outfit and cleans his entire room over the course of about fifteen minutes. He's so smitten he gains superpowers.

What's the opposite of rico suave?

He's on the right track with this palette. The olive and lavender are smashing, and they provide a lovely base for that stupendous gradient tie. But despite his efforts to look older and butcher, he ironically feminizes his shape through these ill-fitting garments. Look at the way the high waist and deep pleating of his trousers create a curvier hip, and the puffiness that emerges in his sleeve when the fabric bunches from being rolled too tightly. He's suddenly got Alexis Carrington shoulders, which I'm thinking wasn't his intention. Sorry, Theo.

Trying to pick up girls? Then stop talking to your bros on the phone.

When he unbuttons his shirt, we learn that he has some sort of charm necklace on. Was it there beneath the tie the whole time? If so, does it serve a totemic purpose? If it isn't there for fashion, as it remains unseen, then perhaps it is a spirit animal that he calls on to heighten his virility.

Clair Huxtable: Lawyer. Mother. Lover. Farmer.

If you forgot how rich the Huxtables were, this episode reminds you by establishing that they have a backyard with a lawn, a garden, and a driveway. Sure, none of these areas is huge, but I've been in apartments without closets and these people have room to grow vegetables? I bring this up mostly because there's nothing to say about Clair's look here. She's not wearing it to be stylish, so I shouldn't critique it as though that's the case. I did notice that her plaid is remarkably similar to Theo's from last week, but that seems unimportant. (Unlike the rest of this blog.)

Those are last week's earrings, by the by.

First off, apologies for the unflattering screencap on the left. I tried for a better one, but it was the only frame that fully revealed the belt. This outfit is a classic illustration of how a baggy top can work against you. The way it drapes at the bottom, then again at the belt, then again at her breasts, makes her look like a Mister Softee ice cream cone. This impression is furthered by the tight, almost conical pants. And those are stirrup pants, people. Clair is doing the devil's work. She's even in sad little one-inch heels. At that point, why bother? And don't talk to me about how I'm a man and I don't know. I've stomped my way through parties in three-inch pumps. These are flats.

He doesn't care and you can't make him.

Unlike his wife, Cliff could not be bothered to put his grown-up clothes on, even with company over. He starts the day in his bathrobe and doesn't get dressier than sweats. Sorry, Dr. Huxtable, but nothing will be said about you this entry.

The Clair Glare once more.

I wasn't going to mention Rudy, but I felt bad continuing to ignore her. Plus, her face in that second image is hands-down serious. You don't want to step to that. Her outfit isn't bad, anyhow. I mean, for a striped onesie. She's five, there are no rules.

And there you have it, another delicious look back. Hope you all had wonderful holidays. Merry Hotness to all, and to all a good neep nop de zibben flibberty hoodad mujimjam burbisurb. Ya SEEEEeeeeEEEEE?

Season 2, Episode 4: Cliff in Love

2011-12-19T08:00:00.000-05:00

Episodes with firsts are so exciting. Today, as Sondra mopes about her on-again, off-again romance and Cliff tries to hook her up with a more suitable suitor, we are introduced to two new faces, both of whom will eventually become established members of the extended Huxtable clan.

Nerd boyfriend dot com.

The main source of her misery is none other than the man who will become her husband, Elvin Tibdeaux, played by future series regular Geoffrey Owens. I've gotta say: though Elvin is a chauvinist moron, he's pretty cute. He's got the whole Donald Glover nerdy guy thing going on. I wouldn't kick him out of bed. At least, not until he started talking about how he would prefer for his woman to have a hot meal waiting for him when he gets home from work. Don't worry, Clair knocks that idea right out of his head.

He brought that bitch some flowers. Bitches love flowers.
(It works because it's a meme and he's a misogynist!)

He's dressed like your average college dude: jeans, t-shirt, hoodie. The intensity of the orange plays well against the navy. I'd love it if that was a weird, no-reason-except-for-fashion seam running horizontally below his collar, but I'm pretty sure it's only a weird fold from the fabric getting caught in the sweatshirt. I'm also feeling the hair. Dudes with curls like his don't rock this intermediate length much, and while it's by no means a guaranteed success, I'm kind of into it on him. Overall, he's no trendsetter, but he's not doing anything wrong. He's trying a little harder when he comes back tomorrow, with mixed results.

Clair wipes that smile right off his face.

The jeans, I assume, are the same today. They're nothing to write home about regardless. I'm not a huge fan of the blue shirt, not because it's bad on its own, but because it matches the denim a bit too closely. Even with the yellow underneath (and props to Elvin for again embracing assertive hues), it just reads too monochrome. I also have to question the khaki garment. At first, I was sure it was a coat, based on its weight and the fact that it's fall and probably cool outside. But upon checking the details, like the size of the collar and the slightly rolled sleeves and most notably the curve of the seam at the bottom, I have to conclude that this is in fact just another shirt. Don't do that, Elvin, that's not what shirts are for. You can't just pile them on indefinitely. Buy a jacket. You can probably find one that looks almost exactly like the corduroy thing you're sporting.

What if this date is actually the Olivia origin story? Scandal!

Pop quiz: who is this man? If you said Lt. Martin Kendall, you'd be incorrect until season 6. Today, he is Daryl, the man who takes Sondra to a concert while she's mad at Elvin. That's right, Joseph C. Phillips has played two roles on The Cosby Show. His clean-cut good looks and easygoing charm make it easy to see why you'd want him around. He's also a pretty snappy dresser, at least as this character. Let's skip the khakis, because chinos, whatever, we get it. Check everything else, though. The shades by themselves here would be enough: the richness of his coat is veering toward purple, while the sweater underneath skews into greener territory, and then the pink is a delightful non sequitur. But then he goes wild by adding additional tones in the knitting of the sweater and in the weird plaid-ish pattern of the blazer. I would probably wear that jacket, no joke. My only hesitation in giving this an A+ is that I can't tell if he's actually heavier here than in later seasons, or if he just looks heavier because the clothes don't fit. There's no way to be sure, but it gives me pause. Whatever: in the future, you're thinner and you marry Denise instead of Sondra. How do you feel about that?

I wanted so badly to photoshop a little sparkle into his teeth.

That's what I thought.

Speaking of Sondra:

You're never too sad for strappy shoes.

Damn, hon, you look rough. Now granted, this is the outfit she wears while dealing with relationship troubles, so I sort of get it. Her hair and sweatsuit collectively read like a suicide note. They're not just bad: they're aggressively, creatively repulsive. If I can direct your attention to her collar: how many shirts is that? Three at least. She took the time to match them, which makes no sense, but ignoring that, I'm seeing sweatshirt, followed by a red tee, followed by another gray tee. Or is that just a red tee with a contrasting detail? I can't be sure. Then she's pulling the same nonsense below the waist, with sweatpants (with a matching stripe, because again, she's thinking ahead to coordinate her defeat regalia) and gray shorts over them. Of course, she can't be that cold, because she's wearing capri-length bottoms with no socks. She's also wearing overly complicated ballet flats. If I had no intention of leaving the house, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't bother with shoes that laced halfway up my calves. Am I expected to believe that she wouldn't brush her hair, but would put on her most labor-intensive footwear? Absurd. Whatever. Date night tomorrow, Sondra. You gonna step it up?

"I'm a colorblind cowgirl!"

Sondra's outfits are my least favorite part of this blog. Honestly, what do you want me to do here? There's maybe hope for that skirt. I can see it being the centerpiece in much plainer surroundings. Same with those cerulean boots: someone could really do something with those. But that sweater, my God! I'm running out of words for largeness with all the XXXL crap everyone keeps carting out. Her shoulders are so bulky that there is literally room for football padding there. She could be the coziest linebacker. The color story here is all wrong, too. Daryl had the right idea by pairing different blues, but she takes it too far by throwing in actual purples and sea greens in a way that looks sickly next to that delicate sky blue wool number. Also, can we talk about the Southwestern phase she seems to be going through? A bandanna around her neck? A fringed suede jacket? No, really, look at this jacket.

If only someone had managed to get this garment all the way through the shredder.

That's how much fringe. No thank you.

This is possibly the best her hair has ever looked. I love it.

Denise leaves me pretty confused this episode. There's another reason I'll get to in a minute, but for now let's just focus on this outfit as presented. Her hair is done, and it's cute. The red pants (which we barely see) are a good match for the colors in her top. But this shirt? It's so long and sloppy that she spends the entire scene with her hands covered. Still, the deep purple/brown color provides a great base for the pink and red vertical stripes, and she's playing with convention as always, so we should just accept this as a weird but fun look, right? Except for this:

She's shopping under the impression that her ass will one day be titanic.

This isn't tomorrow: Denise changes into this later the same day. With no explanation given, I have to wonder if the first getup wasn't merely pajamas. It would make a certain amount of sense if that was a nightshirt and not a full-on, outside-the-house piece, but there's no telling with this girl. Let's just move on and get to this second ensemble. If the pants look familiar, it's because they're the same ones she wears in this season's opening credits. The shirt, however, is new, and it's really something. As you can see, the front fools you with more conservative coverage, while the back shocks you with its seasonally inappropriate cutout the size and shape of a public toilet bowl. Someone in the costume department fell in love with greenish blue today, it seems. Viewed independently, though, it's not a bad companion for the orange. The real problem is the combination of two sloppily draped garments. If one half of you is going to be this big, the other should be much slimmer. Otherwise, you look like a Teletubby runway model. Her middle is downright bulbous. I'm also not convinced by that three quarter butterfly sleeve. Seems like it'd be hard to ever make that not ugly.

"What kind of bread is this? I'm counting carbs."

Theo wore this in the pilot episode. Production values have improved since then, and it's nice to have a crisper picture that captures the plaid better, but I don't know that it warrants a full re-examination. Next.

Those eyes suggest the presence of a stimulant in the potato chips.

I can't help but look at this as an homage to his parents. The sweater has the same thistle-y quality as the cardigan that Clair stole from Cliff last season. Underneath, he's got on a shade of purple that may as well be named after Phylicia Rashad she wore it so often. It's a shame he didn't tuck in his shirt, but otherwise I'm not seeing much wrong here. It's not a heartbreaking work of staggering fabulousness, but I'll take it.

UPDATE: I knew this would happen eventually. I missed a repeat. Theo previously wore this sweater on episode #1.18. Apologies for the oversight.

"Hey Vanessa, want some of these Meth Crisps?"

Vanessa appears only briefly, and only to show us this goofy plaid. There are times when black and yellow cooperate, and times when they scream "bumblebee" or "taxi cab" or something else you don't really want to resemble. If the t-shirt underneath had been shown a little more, maybe I'd feel differently. It might break things up a little. As it stands, this isn't great. Also, there's a blue hair clip near the back of her head that wasn't captured in this angle, meaning that she decided to don all three primary colors for some reason. Probably just to bother me. Friggin' Vanessa.

Sandwich spread + Dr. Huxtable = Mayo Clinic. Get it?

Cliff has purchased a big, meaty, fattening sandwich to cheer his daughter up. While Clair quickly highlights that this is also Cliff's favorite food, no one ever doubts that Sondra loves hoagies above all other edible items. This strikes me as unlikely. She doesn't seem like a hoagie kind of gal. Anyway, back to the fashion. As stated above, khaki pants are kind of too boring to really get into. Same for white t-shirts. The cardigan, however, is wonderful. I'm living for that low scoop, and the chunky diagonal stripe, and the thickness of the wool, and the way the gray comes alive next to that red. It even has little pockets on the bottom! I'd love it even more if it were a size smaller (as I've pointed out in previous entries, the shoulder seam should fall somewhere near the actual shoulder), but I'll take what I can get.

Sorry, I guess I'm off my caption game today. That last one was pitiful.

That belt isn't brown. It's maroon. Got to respect that. On the other hand, who here has seen The Dark Crystal? If you skinned Aughra and made her into a garment, it would look exactly like this shirt. That's all.

Maybe it's sorcery. Or hypercolor.

Clair is wrapped in a mystery at the start of this episode. So many questions. Is that top purple or blue? Would we call it a shirt or a dress? Are the sleeves designed to be that short, or did she pull them up? Is it velour, or just dirty? Huxtable fashion is often incomprehensible to me, and this is just another situation in which I would need greater cognitive ability to parse the deeper meaning hidden here. Further adding confusion: I was certain that I had seen this pin before, but couldn't find it in any of my screencaps. I looked and looked, and it wasn't there. Maybe I imagined it, or mistook it for another brooch, or recalled it from the first time I saw this episode. Part of me is still set on the idea that she wore it once. Whatever, it's simple and pretty and just the right size, and it goes well with both purple and blue, so she's covered in that sense. (Seriously, why does her top change color? Is she a wizard?)

Don't sass her for repeating an outfit. She will make you regret it so hard.

Last but not (quite) least, we have Clair's repeat of her episode #1.2 jumpsuit. It remains firmly in the so-close-to-wrong-that-it's-got-to-be-right category. I think I actually prefer it without the shiny accessories: she doesn't need the silver pin and belt and earrings. Nice to see that she didn't feel the need to wear stockings this time around, though. Also, I overlooked the seam down the front in my earlier review. Not my fave. Still, this outfit will always hold a place in my heart because it's what she wore when she said, "Let me tell you something, Elvin." Her quick change into takedown mode is unbeatable. Do not cross Mrs. Huxtable.

We'll end on that note. Happy Monday, kids.

Season 2, Episode 3: Happy Anniversary

2011-12-12T08:00:00.000-05:00

Ask all your friends which episode of this show is most memorable, and they'll probably all give the same answer:

BAY-BAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaAAAAAY!

That's right, it's the episode where the family puts on a musical number for Russell and Anna as a present for their 49th anniversary. There's not a ton of plot here: it's all what to get them, what to cook, lip sync for your life, blah blah blah. Rudy's Emmy nomination has to be, like, 90 percent because of this song. Since the script includes two days and nine Huxtables, though, there's a lot of clothing to cover, so let's get to it.

Let's do a blog about low-budget 1980s set design in sitcoms.

I'm carting out this screencap not to highlight the clothes specifically (I'll get there), but to talk about the set for a second. This scene is supposed to take place roughly five steps from the Huxtable residence; their front door is just out of frame on the left. Now, I ask you: how in the world does this setting relate to the exterior establishing shots in each episode? Where is that wall behind them coming from? In later seasons, they get a different "outside" environment that is, while not entirely realistic, at least vaguely plausible. This one is totally off. How are they even walking in this direction? Did they emerge directly from the brick? It makes no sense.

Context does not explain his facial expression.

Clair and I need to have a talk about her outerwear, because she continually pulls out the most awful coats. How many stuffed animals died to make this, hon? The pattern suggests that you're emitting a fleece force field. Were you trying to confuse enemy radar? I can't begin to figure out why these colors were put together in this layout in this shape with this fabric. All of the choices, from start to finish, were misguided at best and malicious at worst. Someone might be trying to kill her with that coat, and it would be a slow, painful death, let me tell you. Underneath, we catch a glimpse of what might be a fabulous red skirt, but she never reveals the full outfit. She actually wears the coat upstairs rather than taking it off and putting it in the front closet. (If that means that this is actually a shirt, then I'm going to need a pep talk and another shot of espresso, because damn that's demoralizing.)

Pretty in pink.

Cliff, who usually rocks a more classic vibe, has really pushed into contemporary (for the time) styling with these choices. The light jacket with the brushed texturing, the tiny collar, the pale-on-pale pink-and-gray palette, the geometric black-and-neon tie... he's not wearing ugly clothes, but he doesn't seem like himself. This is very Miami Vice for Dr. Huxtable, and while I don't disapprove of the outfit conceptually, I have a hard time believing that he would have it in his closet.

We still haven't reached maximum Cosby Sweater madness.

Here, we find the missing link between his wardrobe in season 1 and the fashions from the rest of the series. In this sweater's pattern, we can observe the vestigial suspender markings left over from previous outfits. He's obviously not yet fully comfortable abandoning them for bizarre, bulky knits, so he retains them in a representational form. This is a standard showing: the red and gray work (even if something about them reads a little Christmasy to me), the pants and shirt are basic, the sizes are all reasonable. It's good everyday wear.

I'm truly not trying to catch him at odd times. He's just always making faces.

His second suit is much more in keeping with previous endeavors. In fact, it's entirely possible that it's the same suit he wore in episode #1.2. It's definitely the same shirt. I have to say, he looked slimmer and sharper in the previous jacket. The color was part of it, but also the cut. This one is a little broader overall. In particular, I think it closes a tad high: we don't see a ton of his tie and shirt this time around, which would have been nice. There's so much dark happening here: he could have made better use of that pink. I might've swapped out for a different tie, too. Something more vibrant, maybe with a pocket square to match. This isn't a goldfish funeral, dude.

So scornful she's making the soda froth up.

Clair's second look is a repeat from episode #1.21, so I'm going to let it stand without comment.

I would love her even more if she fixed that haircut.

I do, however, want to point out this thing they keep doing with her make-up. It's not as apparent here, but in later episodes, they apply the shadow really heavily to her outer lid, and then leave the rest of the eye almost bare. It's a jarring choice that is maybe rooted in actual trends of the time and maybe rooted in a sort of stagey approach to facial contouring that was more appropriate before high-definition television happened, but the point is that it's weird. I'm mentioning it now so that we can both watch for it later.

Either she's wearing stockings or her legs are bionic. Both kind of make sense.

This dress has a lot going for it. For starters, the cut. She's been wearing her clothes a little looser lately, so it's nice to see her return briefly to fitted garments. If I was in that kind of shape, I'd want to remind you, too. I mean, look at her entrance into the living room.

"Don't mind me, I'm just over here being FABULOUS."

My God, even out of focus she's breathtaking. Between the shape of the garment and the placement of that wide belt (which is a completely fantastic piece on its own, I might add), she's kicking ass and taking names. Which is not to say that everything's peachy. Those big buttons distract me, for instance. She should be wearing jewelry, not fussing up her front with giant fasteners. The primary colors thing is also a little over for me. In general I find them better suited to toddlers than grown-ups, and on her specifically I think this bold blue is not stupendous. Everyone has one color they should avoid, and this is hers. She doesn't look bad, per se, it's just that she's typically luminous and some of that luster fades against this shade.

Check the cookies at the bottom. The prop department wants you to know

that he both pigged out and napped.

Russell is literally asleep in this shot, but in a more figurative sense, he's asleep at the wheel. I seldom have an unkind word about his outfits, but this is a rare misstep for him. The blue-red-black scheme is usually Clair's error (see the above dress, not to mention her unholy episode #1.5 sweatsuit), but he gives it a shot today and doesn't do much better with it. I appreciate the hue on him, but those stripes don't grab me. Brick and cobalt are uncomfortable bedfellows, and I'm not sure why everyone's trying so hard to put them together. He's done all that could be done with unsatisfactory tools, but this is still problematic for me.

The navy lining might mean that this item is reversible. Ew.

When he puts on his jacket to leave, things only get stranger. The windbreaker seems a little youthful for him. Like Cliff, he's kind of dressed out of character. Russell has always been a champion of age-appropriate attire: he's frequently more formal and old-fashioned than anyone else in the room. It sort of makes sense that he'd have outerwear like this because it's basic and functional. That's how my grandfather would shop: identify a need, find it in the right size and color, and call it a day. But that stripe down the side bothers me, and I can't put my finger on exactly why. It feels like a Theo jacket, though, right? Am I wrong here? I guess I just expect a blazer from Grandpa Huxtable. Casual isn't his groove.

That there's how it's done, folks.

This is how I'm used to seeing him. His party look is flawless. Charcoal three-piece suit, shirt with a retro collar and just a hint of yellow, vintage brown tie. Clean, cool, and classy. Not a hair out of place. Like a boss, as they say. He comes from an era when men knew how to dress, and even back then people probably thought he looked better than the rest.

Age brings wisdom, but not always taste, apparently.

Anna's only got one look for this episode, and it isn't great. Yes, her confidence in sporting full-force, uninterrupted fuchsia is stupendous, but that doesn't mean that I can overlook her decision to wear a men's XXL polo shirt. And it's not even a shirt dress, because she has a matching skirt underneath: it's really just a big-ass polo, brazenly presented as a formal garment, which it is not. The square earrings are awesome-ish, but the overall ensemble isn't for me. Or her. Or maybe anyone.

Her?

Sondra's back. Oh goodie. I'll give her a little leeway because she's cooking, so maybe that smocky overshirt is actually serving as an apron. Wearing it with the intention of dirtying and/or destroying it is acceptable. Otherwise, it's an obvious "no." I feel the same way about her hair: my hope is that it has been pulled up haphazardly just to keep it out of open flames, because I would be sad to learn that someone had spent time and effort making it do that on purpose. If we remove the purple shirt, however, we're left with another problem: the gray pants and gray top would match, leaving her in a drab faux bodysuit with only a thin band of color coming from the yellow undershirt. Why does she have so many layers on, anyway? She must be cold-blooded like a lizard, because anyone else would die of heat stroke if they swaddled themselves so thoroughly before cooking a large meal.

Wasn't it bad enough the first time, you sadist?

The wardrobe department was apparently unwilling to let this look go to waste after the opening credits were filmed, so here it is in all its glory again. I don't have much more to contribute, except that I hadn't realized how pleated her shirt was. Those folds continue all the way over her shoulder and onto the back. It's criminal. Also, look closely at her middle in the first shot. There appear to be two belts there: a smaller one cinching her waist, and a larger one for purely cosmetic purposes. Don't do this, people. You can use a single accessory to both shape your clothes and add interest to your outfit. Seriously: that's what belts do. One is plenty. Otherwise, my previous commentary stands unaltered.

Gag on the eleganza!

Denise doesn't appear in the "cooking dinner" segment, so she only gets one chance to show us her stuff. As I've said before, her efforts to subvert the norm when dressing formally are consistently delightful to me. Even when she's more odd than actually good, I can't help but feel affection for her commitment to blazing new trails. The skirt and blouse complement each other while still creating an almost disorienting effect: the colorful bottom offsets the subtle top half nicely, but they're both patterned in a wacky, complicated way that makes it difficult for the eye to focus. Her usual almost-floor-length hemline and bunchy waist are in effect, but she's exploring novel territory up top with a much more fitted look that seems quite polished. The high neckline and puff sleeves are delicious, like she's in a modernized costume epic. She just needs a towering wig. The more I saw of this, the more I approved. And then she turned around.

It's like she has her shirt on backwards, but in an elegant way.

Gold chains? Oh, Denise. You're too good to me.

Been there, done that.

Theo already wore this in episode #1.6, so let's move on.

The nighttime is the right time, indeed.

I had a difficult time capturing Theo's second look; he's sort of lurking around on the sidelines until the big number, at which point he covers up with a coat. (Though, in his defense, the coat and hat are pretty sweet, even if they're obviously his dad's.) He appears to be wearing a meta-shirt, essentially: it's covered with other pictures of people in fun outfits. I can't get close enough to review the sartorial choices of the individuals on his clothing, but that's some Inception-level nonsense that I can't get into anyway. Extra points for the shiny midnight tie (so much better than flat black) and the suspenders (which I guess are getting handed down to the next generation now that Cliff is focusing on sweaters). I wish I could get a better read on the shirt's color. I want it to be a minty green. Wouldn't that be slammin'? Let's just pretend that it is so I can congratulate this boy some more.

Oh, girl. Gritty in pink.

Vanessa, honey, what's going on with those pants? They seem like the spiritual successor to your shirt from two weeks ago, and that's not a good thing. On top of that, you shouldn't match your pink bottoms with your pink top, even if you cover it with a loafy gray sweatshirt. Also, I shouldn't address you directly because you're a fictional character from decades in the past. You're not reading this because there's no "you."

I don't know, something something Katy Perry song.

Not better. I can see where we were going here. A peacock print sounds great: those colorful feathers are so beautiful and opulent. And if we're going to put lots of golds and blues in our shirt, we should reflect that in our choice of vest and trousers, right? And by reflect, I mean literally wear shiny things! No, no, and no. The peacock is an emblem of showiness, and likewise, the choice to emulate it ends up seeming overdone. (The peacock is also the logo of NBC, though I doubt that had any influence on her attire.) The vest with coattails is cute, but beyond that, we're in Bonkersville. In particular, I'm distressed by her yellow shoes. They're bad on their own, but I worry that she might be trying to literally embody a peacock. Like, if the vest has a tail, are those supposed to be bird feet? Is she in a costume? It just got weird in here.

Since we started with Rudy, let's end with Rudy.

She is the alpha and the omega.

Her slippers are too big. That's all.

No, really, that's all. There are no more outfits. See you next Monday, darlings.

Season 2, Episode 2: The Juicer

2011-12-05T08:00:00.000-05:00

Today's story is fairly straightforward. Cliff buys a juicer, Cliff forbids Rudy to play with the juicer, Rudy plays with the juicer. I wasn't hugely entertained, but Clair pulled me in during the third act with some superior parenting. I'll rewatch that clip one day when I have a misbehaving six-year-old of my own.

Of course, the clothes can't always be as good as the mothering.

We never get close-ups this close. Look at the detail in her hairdon't.

It's easy to see why one would tear this outfit to shreds in a very literal sense, so I'm going to do my best to find the good before getting to the all-too-obvious bad. Not that there's a lot to recommend here. Before getting to the outfit, I'll point out the earrings, which are just fine. As for the clothes themselves, I guess the colors aren't terrible; I do enjoy the way she's rolled the sleeves together to give a nice contrasting cuff. I'm even prepared to admit that there's a way the coveralls thing could work. Like, if they weren't pleated, there's a sort of rumpled, I'm-a-sexy-mechanic aesthetic that might emerge from this. Maybe just throw on a t-shirt underneath it and call it a day? Belting it a little lower might also be a good idea. As would buying it a size smaller. Or, you know, not buying it at all, because at this point I'm trying pretty hard to salvage the unsalvageable. I'm also growing concerned about the way her hair is skirting mullet territory. Stop while you still can, lady. It's a dark path.

Some people don't mind her outfit one bit, though.

Stank.

David Langston Smyrl is back again, playing a third character. If you took the glasses and jacket off him, you could put him in any bar in Williamsburg, and he would be on point. It's all there, folks: skinny tie, patterened shirt in dull colors, tiny collar, ironic old man hat (which is maybe not as ironic when you're his age, but whatever)... seriously, I'm sure I know three people with comparable items in their closets right now. These moments remind me why I began this blog.

Even though Sam Lucas the handyman is ostensibly distinct from Mr. Smyrl's other roles, he remains smitten with Clair Huxtable. When she walks in, he gives her one of these.

How you doin'?

He fixes things all day, though, so his colleagues have probably numbed him to the sight of coveralls and mullets.

Earn that Emmy, girl.

Denise appears only briefly , and only from the waist up, so this is what we have to work with. Yes to the weird buttony collar and the bright red, no to just about everything else. This is the worst of her many forays into plus-sized clothing for minus-sized people. Unless she's using the extra storage space to carry her siblings around or something, I can't comprehend the logic behind this horrible fabric bag.

It must feel weird to wear a shirt that barely touches your skin.

Theo also gives us his biggest-ever bigness, and it's equally displeasing. The grid pattern practically begs us to measure the margin by which he has erred in sizing. If I saw him on the street, it would take a great deal of willpower not to say, "Dude, you need to lose, like, six squares around the torso and four from each sleeve." It's tough to question grays, squares, and other basics, but I do feel like the pocket is an obvious foul. What's going on in this house? That juicer has some bad juju.

This will haunt my nightmares.

Wow, Vanessa. Feeling neglected? Other siblings getting too much attention? This is not the appropriate way to act out. There's enough going on here to fuel several ugly ensembles. That shirt alone is made of at least six patterns and palettes. Then we get to those peachy overalls, which have buttons leading obscenely down to your crotch, and wait what you belted them? You double belted your overalls with what I assume is the episode #1.23 belt because otherwise you own a fourth purple belt, and... oh sweet Jesus, the legs are too short, and then your socks are a different shade of orange and then green? Is that green? ARE THOSE JELLY SHOES?! I don't have the strength to go back up to the top to look at the earrings and barrettes. I might need to take a breather before I can even finish this entry. I'm using this as the benchmark: this is the worst outfit I have ever seen, certainly on this show, but perhaps also ever in my life.

The rainbow shirt connection.

I didn't care for this polo in episode #1.9, but today Cliff has come dangerously close to making it work. It helps that he's hiding the banded end of his sleeve, which was my least favorite part of the garment. And by pairing the horizontal stripes in the shirt with vertical stripes in his cardigan, he sort of gives us a "more is more" situation that I endorse. Contrasting the pale blue with a rich purple also feels right to me. Still no to that rainbow collar, though. And you almost made it happen, too! (Pleated khaki pants aren't new or exciting, so let's just move past them quietly. Also, this is Cosby in a sweater, but not a Cosby sweater.)

The only person who gets two outfits in this episode is Rudy, so let's throw her a bone and review her clothes.

Peter is seriously the roundest little boy ever.

She keeps it simple to start off, rocking a plain yellow top with a denim skirt. The thing that catches me here is the white belt, which resurfaced a few years ago as a must-have accessory. It was everywhere for a hot second. Good catch, little lady. Of course, she splatters herself with fruit juice later. What happens when she has to dress herself?

Don't be sad, Rudy. Your sneakers are as big as your head! That's fun!

Though she wore this in a previous episode, I didn't comment on it and thus don't have a link. This seems plausible as an outfit she'd have constructed on her own, though: I buy that a child would look for items that match rather than items that coordinated. The shape of that top is unreal. Especially with the patterning, it has a total Star Trek vibe. She could be a messenger from a futuristic society. What's really striking about this shot, though, is the body language. Her work as an actor in this episode is pretty great for a kid. You can totally see all the emotion in her stature: she's embarrassed and ashamed, afraid to tell her dad what she did... it's all there. You know what else is there? Straps. On Clair's ankles. She's buckled into her onesie. Things have gone from bad to so much worse.

And that, thankfully, is that. If Sondra had been around, I might not have lived to type this paragraph. As it is, I need a drink. See you next Monday, lovelies.

Season 2, Episode 1: First Day of School

2011-11-28T08:00:00.000-05:00

Onward we march. The season begins with an event that is pivotal for all family members: the first day of school. (You may have gleaned this from the title.) As the children lament the loss of their summer freedom and struggle to wake up, their parents rejoice at the opportunity to reclaim their home. If they both worked regular 9-to-5 hours, this would be less exciting to them, because they wouldn't be around to enjoy the empty house. Luckily for the Huxtables, they exist in a state of perpetual opulence. But that's an exploration best left to someone else's blog.

And good morning to you, sir.

Typically, I wouldn't bother to highlight an item that could be slept in, but it amuses me that Cliff has essentially worn a Cosby bathrobe. This is the sort of lumpy, ugly work that might make up a portion of one of his outer layers. Like, I can see this stitched up with some red striped knit and then maybe a suede patch or two to create a sort of Human Sweaterpede, but that's more of a season three jam. When he gets dressed in season two, it looks like this:

Look how blissfully happy Rudy is in the middle there. Priceless.

See what I mean about suspenders being his lasting legacy? So far, he's barely even dabbled in sweaterology, but he's earned a Ph.D. in braces. They've made a real comeback, too, so he's paving the way for a fashion trend decades in advance. What's especially great is how he uses them to create complexity. The shirt already has awesomeness happening with the stellar lavender getting chopped up by those pale pinks and greens, and he dives right in with some maroon and white on top. Pattern on pattern, kids: get into it. He'd likely lose control of his appearance if he went for more daring pants, so I'm glad we've stuck with khaki for now.

Huh?

Besides, he's compensating for the pleated front with some fancypants action in the back. Later, he also throws down a tan blazer. I don't adore it with those pants specifically (to beat a dead horse: it's close in hue without actually matching, and really an actual match would be just as bad because who wears a khaki suit?), but on its own and with that shirt, an oatmeal corduroy coat is a lovely concept. I initially mistook this for his blazer from the pilot episode, which I thought was a nice tie-in, but closer examination confirms that it's a new piece.

Season two documents Clair's rise to total world domination through fashion.

This is legendary and I am living for it. Clair's outfit is all about the movement. When she's walking or gesturing, it's just glorious. She has to be careful, though: you can see in that first panel that even the slightest slouch takes her straight into matron territory. On the other hand, she's setting the standard for class with that white skirt and the absolute perfect shade of pink. Throw in some gold jewelry (you knew she would) and you're ready to set the world ablaze.

FACE FACE FACE I give face, beauty face...

Take a closer look at the brilliance in how this shirt is fastened. While I'm sure there are other hidden clasps to prevent wardrobe malfunctions, there are only two visible buttons, leaving a crisp, slightly angled line almost reminiscent of a jacket lapel. The top one is also attached to a short length of gold cord that ties in with her other accessories and draws your gaze to the delicious draping at her neck. I'm so smitten with what's been done here; it's just beautiful.

Not that innocent.

Even in that seductive pose, I'm still 50/50 on the jacket. The pocket square (pocket tuft?) is heavenly and I'm not hating on the pink tweed, I'm just rehashing my standard complaint: it's too close to the color of her shirt. Follow me on this one: imagine all the other shades she could have tried and executed successfully.

My image manipulation skills are self-taught. Deal.

See how much better that would have been? So much better. That's not even the exact shade I was trying for, that's just as close as I could get with free photo editing software and a toddler's grasp of how it functions. Higher heights could have been achieved.

She'd even look good wearing a potato sack, which she practically is.

Clair changes clothes later in the day, meaning that even though she was stoked about the child-free homestead, she still spent at least some time in the office before slipping into something more comfortable. As much as I'm instinctively predisposed to deride this, I'm actually kind of intrigued. In terms of comfortable around-the-house attire, you could do worse. The lightweight fabric makes the garment seem less giant; as you can see, it's so thin that any motion at all makes it suddenly quite revealing. That twist in the second frame is the sexiest a parachute-y jumpsuit has ever been. The orange is stunning, as is the red belt, which also combats what has the potential to be a seriously bonkers tailoring job. On the other hand, we're not dealing with a home run or anything. It's still reminiscent of a clown outfit in many ways.

The Bozo face isn't helping, hon

See what I mean? Scoot that belt too high and you're getting asked to entertain at birthdays for preschoolers. You're better than that, Clair.

This screencap reads like a kindergarten production of Black Swan.

Rudy dressed herself for her first day. I think her look is secret genius. All the pink and the ruffles and the bows and the costume jewelry simultaneously celebrate and comment on femininity and the gender roles she will be expected to play out as she ages. She's obviously asserting her individuality while making a statement about her surroundings. Pretty precocious if you ask me.

That blouse is way dingy. People will wonder if she's been raised in a basement.

Her parents put her in this instead. Underwhelmed, guys. Next time just let the kid do it herself.

If she were older, there would be an entendre about paying for a ride.

Vanessa is pushing pretty hard for attention; clearly, she's hoping her return from summer break will be triumphant. It's weird, because although the styling touches like the short-ish skirt and off-the-shoulder sweater seem more adult, the cutesy cab pattern and black-and-yellow palette bring her right back into little girl territory. I'm sure the costume department did that on purpose: it would be jarring to dress someone this young in a manner that suggested outright seduction. Besides, she's toying with grown-up looks, but it's not like her parents would have ever bought her anything inappropriate. Cliff even pulls her top up to cover that bra strap. She's making do with what she has. For a teenager with limited means, I think she managed to pull a pretty confident outfit out of the wreckage that is her closet. I have to call those yellow tights into question, though. (You can barely see them, but they're there in the corner. I just don't know about yellow tights with a yellow outfit.)

It's poppin'... it's poppin'.

Speaking of big-girl choices, she's wearing make-up here. As in, beyond the usual stuff you'd throw on for the camera. A dark lip gloss at the very least. This isn't problematic in and of itself, but does create a continuity error. Later in the series, there's a whole episode about how angry her parents get when they catch her wearing make-up to school, and yet today, they smile knowingly at each other without saying a word about it. No wonder she has such a hard time accepting their edict: it comes out of nowhere in light of their earlier behavior. Her rebellion makes infinitely more sense in this context.

DisaSTAR, amirite?

Vanessa changes after school, which is odd in that no mention is made of her having other plans. She must be going somewhere, though, because she continues to devote an undue amount of effort to her wardrobe, resulting in even more regrettable choices this time around. Restricting the number of colors she's allowed to use might be helpful to her, because when given a broader spectrum from which to draw, she loses her grip on taste. The pink and red shirt manages to clash with itself, and the star pattern is even more childish than the taxis. I also hate the purple t-shirt and the weird darkened areas above the knees of her jeans. Are those cutouts? Patches? I don't want to know more. Everything here is working against her. She and her closet may have had an altercation.

It takes serious confidence to label yourself Number One.

Theo's father gets on his case for cutting the sleeves off this sweatshirt, but I think he did the right thing. Considering the size of the resulting opening, I can only assume that the sleeves themselves are now sleeping bags for Rudy. They must have been colossal. The shape he's created is a little strange, and I might have executed the snip slightly differently if I were at the helm, but this is fine. The unaltered portion of the shirt is kind of enjoyable, too: the charcoal crest and collar detailing are sporty without being tied to a particular sport or team, and they coordinate nicely with the slacks. I could have done with a little more color beyond the lovely blue t-shirt, but this is a clean, casual look that I can roll with.

This is how I enter almost every room.

Though she's working the same colors as her sister, Denise manages to look more mature and assured in her clothing. Something about the simplicity of a black shirt and a long cardigan makes her look pulled together. At the same time, she's quirky for showing off such a bright primary color in an otherwise austere configuration. Of course, I'm only saying "austere" because you can't see her below the waist.

This family portrait tells a really weird story.

Aw, the kids are leaving for school. That's right kids, go away. Anyhow, to get back to Denise: those are pajama pants, right? Or the first Zubaz or something? Whatever they are, I loathe them. Also, circling back to some earlier outfits: Clair's jacket is huge (in a bad way), and Vanessa is wearing a cardigan over her sweater, which seams silly to me. It's late August, maybe early September, there's no need to create an Inception scenario out of wool. You'll be burning up out there.

No, but really, what are she and her friends doing? I want answers.

Denise also changes later. She's going out with several girlfriends, but doesn't specify where. I'll assume she's volunteering someplace that requires her to scrub bathrooms or sweep chimneys or something, because there's no way she's wearing this to look good. Though initially tempted to skip this outfit, I decided I had to bring it up because it shows the importance of context with clothes. If it weren't for the distinctive crest, I would never have recognized this as the sweater from episode #1.7. Surrounded by other uniform-like attire, it became so proper-looking that I was convinced it was a blazer. In fact, I was so sure of this assessment that I spent ten minutes checking back and forth between images, debating whether this was even the same garment. But it turns out that I was wrong last season: I had imagined lapels where there were none. She's taken the shoulder pads out, but otherwise, it seems that this is the same loose sweater. Sweatshirt? Whatever. The thing is, check how sloppy it gets when surrounded by trashier gear. It's like a magic trick. Use this knowledge to your advantage, darlings: with the right styling, you can make any garment as dressy or casual as it needs to be.

See? Even Huxtable Hotness can be educational. Your time spent reading this blog now officially counts as studying. No homework, but I'll see you here again next week for another class.

Season 2: Opening Credits

2011-11-21T08:00:00.000-05:00

As we enter the second season, I want to make a slight administrative change: entries will now go up every Monday morning. This gives me the whole weekend to write: I hate to provide you with a rushed product.

Let's also take a minute to talk about the show in general. From the get-go, the series was enormously popular. For its first season, it earned awards for best comedy series at the Emmys, the Golden Globes, and the People's Choice Awards. Mr. Cosby also took home a Golden Globe for acting. For the coming season, the good only gets better: the show rises from third place to first in terms of ratings and remains there for five straight years. Phylicia Rashad, the only Emmy-nominated performer last season, is joined this year by Lisa Bonet, Malcolm-Jamal Warner, and Keshia Knight Pulliam, who then becomes the youngest-ever nominee. Earle Hyman and Clarice Taylor are nominated as guest stars, as are two other celebrities who I won't mention: if you're watching along with me, I don't want to ruin the surprise. The other accolades are too numerous to name. Suffice it to say that the juggernaut is in motion, and America is all over the Huxtables.

For this week's entry, I'm not going to dive right into the show. Rather, we're going to start looking at one of its most memorable points: the opening credits. Each year brought a new intro segment, including a new recording of the theme song, and these clips are worth digging into more thoroughly because they really do set a tone. I didn't bother with such an investigation for the first credits sequence because it's horrible. No one knew what they were doing yet, so what they made was this whole montage of photos of the family playing baseball... I mean, look at this:

Who are these people? They' must be Bizarro Huxtables.

I refuse to acknowledge this. Jumping ahead a year, we get a bouncy segment during which each of the actors briefly dances with Mr. Cosby on a bare stage. I'll walk you through it in a nice, linear fashion. (I know, prolonging this project with additional non-episode entries seems unwise, but I'm trying to be reasonably thorough.)

Get excited.

He's making this face because he has a surprise for us.

Elliot's mom is mad proud right now.

We have waited, huddled anxiously around our monitors, for this moment: the first Cosby sweater. This may not be the brightest or craziest, but it is clearly outside the norm: too many colors, stripes with no sense of order to their width or hue, a slight fraying that suggests the wool itself desires to take up more space and create greater ocular distraction... this is it. The unveiling of such a relic as the first image of the season suggests that the costume department has big plans in the realm of Doom Knitting, I hope. To get back to my "job" as "fashion" "critic," I'm not wild about the bit of pink collar poking out at the top. There are enough shades happening here already, it wouldn't have killed him to stick with a mauve. The black pleated pants are black pleated pants and unworthy of further commentary.

"Every time I make this gesture, I'm turning on a neon sign that says,

'I don't care what you're saying right now,' OK?"

Oh, you. I love you so much I'll even let you pop that collar. (No, that is not a euphemism. You quit it.)

Feeling the heat.

It takes a confident woman to wear this, but you know she can hang. First off, she stands out because everyone else is dressed in a palette that matches Mr. Cosby's sweater, while she serves as his counterpoint in a whole lot of yellow. Her blouse has just enough give, but then the cinch at the waist reminds you that she's young and lithe and fabulous. The black skirt is basic yet strong, but she's not holding back: she lets fly with some relentlessly red accessories. Pairing primary colors is often a no-no, but here it's a yes-yes. She doesn't have a lot of patterning and texturing going on, so if she wants to test the limits, it has to be through a chromatic risk. Well played, Ms. Ayers-Allen. Is it any wonder she doesn't stay unmarried much longer?

Her?

I know. My thoughts exactly.

He looks like he's running away. GOOD CALL.

Did I miss the reveal that Sondra paid her way through Princeton by touring middle schools with a one-woman show about Annie Oakley? Or, like, a one-woman show about Reba McIntyre playing Annie Oakley? What's the opposite of southwestern realness? Because this is that. Working from the top down: the haircut is a nightmare, the blue earrings don't match, she looks terrible in red, the collar points are costumey, bolo ties are an assault on my delicate nature, the belt is strange, that skirt is the wrong length, her boots aren't even cowboy boots meaning that she hasn't even fully committed to this disaster... I just don't understand why this is happening to me. I'm a good person. I shouldn't have to go through this.

Profiles in Courage

Speaking of haircuts.

She looks like the second-best Prince impersonator in Des Moines.

In the same way that Cosby sweaters are defined by discord, Lisa Bonet's outfits are sometimes wonderful illustrations of why you have to coordinate your clothes carefully. This is a textbook example of individual pieces that are made uglier because once joined together, they essentially declare war on each other. The Michael Jackson blazer needs a way more subdued set of garments beneath it to work: it's obviously meant to be the show-stopper of the ensemble and shouldn't be offset by so much brightness and odd tailoring. If fabric could feel uncomfortable about itself, then that preppy pale blue shirt would be sweating right now. It knows it's at the wrong party. It's all, "Where are the khaki pants and gray cardigan? They said they'd be here," and meanwhile red harem pants are doing a line of coke off the table right there and it's mad awkward. No, but seriously, red harem pants are great, they're just so not great in this context. Look at how huge they are around back.

BAM.

Plus the hangy-ness of the shirt? Worlds apart. Never wear these at the same time. I support the men's dress shoes, though. They could go with either of the two items on top, so I guess there's some matching going on after all. Despite that small victory, I still have to call this a fail overall.

That's right, Lisa Bonet gets three screencaps and you only get one.

In a shocking move, the costume department repeats a s1-e3 look here. The black jeans are probably new, but this is not a fresh outfit.

They see you reading blogs for hours on end. And they judge you.

You can tell she's growing up because she's all serious.

Groove is in the heart.

This blue shape sweater used to be Denise's in s1-e4, but the hand-me-downs continue. I think it's worn better here, actually: that pleathery cerulean skirt almost justifies the odd non-pattern in the knit. She also matches the small central stripe to her shirt, which is nice, and the tightness of her other garments makes the loose sweater seem less slovenly. The ankle boots are wonderful, but that brick hue clashes horribly with the orange-adjacent collar.

Pajamas? Snowsuit? Hey what now?

Oh, Keshia, you're dancing so hard that it was a nightmare trying to screencap you in focus, and you're so little and cute that I couldn't possibly care what you're wearing. Just keep being cute. Also, congrats on getting nominated for that Emmy at six years old. I'm more than five times that, and still just riding on your tiny coattails.

Well, that's that. Next Monday we'll dive in with the real episodes. Stay tuned.

Season 1, Episode 24: Cliff's Birthday

2011-11-13T21:00:00.000-05:00

I can't even believe it. We've reached the final episode of the season. If you don't mind, I'd like to take a moment to pat myself on the back for having kept up with this nonsense for so long already. It's a slightly lame thing to be proud of, but hey, everyone has to make their contribution to the world, and this is apparently mine. The key is thinking of a legacy so absurd that no one else would bother to create it. Wisdom. You're welcome.

But enough about me. We're all here for one reason only: we care deeply about the clothes on The Cosby Show. The finale provides us with a wide range to explore. As the family plans a big surprise for Cliff's 48th birthday party over the two-day arc, we see them in a couple of casual outfits each, plus a formal dinner look. That means that I'll be working hard for the proverbial money this week (emphasis on proverbial; this is not a real job for which I am offered real cash) to bring you the best in fashion recaps. We want to end this cycle with a bang.

Cycle? What is this, America's Next Top Model? Oy.

We'll start with the man who started it all, Mr. Cosby himself.

He is the alpha and the omega.

This, to me, is momentous. We've made it through a full year's worth of airings, and not once have we seen a Cosby sweater. This is the last knitwear of the season, and it's delightful, but quite tame in comparison to my expectations. I really thought that I'd hear a lot more "bleep blop fligglty higgums" and see a lot more woolen anarchy, and I'm sure your expectations were similar. While there's some crazy in store in the coming years, it takes much longer to build than I realized. Focusing on the work at hand, I'd like to commend Cliff on this lovely multi-hued number. The speckling effect of the various blues allows him to throw in a hint of neon without it reading like Solid Gold: Aspen Edition. He's also brought back episode 8's delicious yellowy pants, giving us a color-on-color presentation that not every man could pull off. Though he skirts a more neutral vibe with the gray collar, he can't help but spice it up with the stripes, just to let us know that he's fearless. Altogether, this gathering of textures and shades could easily create havoc, but I think he's still within the bounds of taste. It's almost his birthday, let him live it up.

"I don't have to wear sweaters for you. I'm not your trained circus animal."

Alright, we all like those slacks, but that doesn't mean you don't have to change ever. The shirt is a solid offering; the color is really saturated, which I enjoy, and the contrasting stripes are nice. We actually saw the collar briefly in episode 21, where I questioned the wide spacing of this pattern. If I had been able to see the purple that alternated with the white, I would not have been so quick to judge. Both shades are visible in that episode's screencap if you look really carefully. I guess I wasn't paying close enough attention. I apologize.

I'd be mad, too. Pizza could ruin a tuxedo right quick.

Cliff's final look is his tuxedo, which we saw in episode 15. He's wearing another of those thin, flat fabric strips in lieu of a bow tie; I still haven't been able to figure out what they're called, but the presence of several of them in the show's costume trailer leads me to believe that they're not just something an intern made up on the fly. If you know what's going on with Mr. Cosby's neckwear, do let me know.

Let's keep going with the doodz. You ready, Theo?

He's the real reason I started this blog. And look! Still bringing the fire.

Indeed you are. This is a solid-to-strong showing from the younger Huxtable gentleman. He's rewearing the polo initially seen in episode 5, but for the first time without the plaid shirt over it. I could do without the popped collar, but I agree with him that if you're wearing a lot of khaki, you need to overcome that blandness with a really punchy color. Well done. I'm going to have to dock points for wearing both a belt and suspenders, however. I'm sure the teenage girls are all over him, but they can't be so voracious that he needs multiple means of holding his dungarees in place. Besides, that much trussing just emphasizes the pleats to an almost unconscionable degree. They're practically pockets at this point.

It's not great, but I'd still wear it.

None of the children get much time devoted to their second outfits, and I'm not going to spend a lot of time deconstructing them. Theo is wearing a perfectly presentable maroon hoodie with his usual jeans. The end.

He's so excited. And he just can't hide it.

Theo also wears his tuxedo and non-tie. I continue to demand answers about the non-tie.

How does she look so windswept? Is it stormy in that part of the kitchen?

Sondra materializes midway through the episode, meaning that she only gets two outfits. You know I'm OK with less Sondra. We've seen this shirt already in episode 19, and just like before, she makes sure to show us that it is slim in profile and mad chunky from the front. Otherwise, I'm reluctantly supportive of her brown tie and olive pants. The slightly-rumpled, straight-laced Princeton proto-snob thing works for her. She's the 1%. And of that, a good 40% is hair. Really, though: that 'do is big.

Her necklace is bowling balls, but downstairs it's all pins, honey.

For the formal dinner, Sondra surprised me by wearing something that I mostly enjoy. The messy, top-heavy hairstyling isn't my personal favorite, but it's not horrendous. And sure, she's wearing enough eggplant that it wouldn't have killed her to add a splash of color somewhere. But really, the dress isn't bad. In the shot on the left, I think the extra fabric hangs rather elegantly; she seems to know what she's doing with the look, thus removing any sense of sloppiness. The bold purple looks lovely on her, and the giant necklace is a risk that pays off in my book. She really drives it home with that split skirt, though. I gasped aloud when she stood up: I really wasn't expecting that much leg. Clair's fashion influence on her has never been clearer, from the choice of hue to the carefully placed flash of carnal energy. This is the last time audiences would see Sondra for months, so they left us with a positive impression. I accept.

Remember when listening to music required carrying a suitcase?

I loved Denise's episode 7 outfit that incorporated this skirt. On the other hand, I'm concerned to discover that after last week's floral blazer debacle, she went ahead and wore a second one. It's like Sister Maria was stuck in Blanche Deveraux's Miami home but just had to make the Huxtable girls new playclothes. (Too many gay-ass references in one analogy? Maybe.) Jumping past my rhetorical flourishes, though, you've got to admit that this is pretty grim. It's important to try new things, but not every experiment can be a success. I can allow for this overall silhouette, but basically every choice of hue and print is a mistake. It's also worth pointing out that this is why people didn't used to wear white on television. Look at what a wash her shirt is in that close-up. It's so flat. Save it until they invent HD, kid.

Denise doesn't peek through a cracked door. She opens it all the way.
Nuance isn't her bag, you know?

This outfit, which is much better than the last, gets almost no screen time. I'm not saying it's perfect, but let's start with the good. I'm into the way the peachy beige of the top almost matches her skin tone. It wouldn't be appropriate if the shirt were tighter, but at this volume, no one is mistaking that for bare flesh. The black detailing at the neckline complements the floss-thin suspenders beautifully. If I were able to change anything, I'd rein in the pants to make them a little slimmer. The idea of a nicely tailored high-waisted trouser supporting that big, fluffy sweatshirt thing makes me pretty happy. Still, you take what you can get. Also, I'm in love with the way she gave herself a tomboyish hairstyle to match her slightly gentlemanly clothes. It's a less severe version of last week's attempt, and it serves her better.

Cylon dinner party.

When Denise dresses up, the wardrobe department works really hard to put her outside the norm. There's something feminist about her desire to express herself through clothes in a way that is honest to her character even when that means breaking from typical standards of what is attractive or sexy. Here, for instance, she's showing an unusual (for her) amount of skin with the mostly backless gown, but the cutouts aren't placed in a particularly provocative manner, and they're framed by an absurd shoulder situation that resembles the military garb of a futuristic alien society. She also makes up for the reveal at the back by rocking a full floor-length skirt, giving a demure quality to the look. I hated it when I first saw it, but I'm often won over by audacity, and in this case I had to revise my opinion and decide that this is brilliant. The brick-red, silky material is maybe the best possible option for her, and accessorized well, too. The long silver earrings, the single Wonder Woman wristband, the gargantuan, complicated belt... this much solid color makes the use of extensive jewelry permissible and even preferable. (You hear that, Sondra?) I'm still on the fence about the headband, mostly because I think it's too casual. She needed a different headpiece to really sell this, and probably a different hair configuration, but beyond that I'm great with everything I'm seeing.

"Like the Miami Sound Machine just exploded all over you."

I complained in episode 20 that these earrings didn't go with Vanessa's outfit. It turns out that the outfit that matches those earrings is garbage. Everything is far too big and far too loud. She apparently got dressed in a room without subtlety. Sure, play with yellow and orange, but don't just throw them around like they don't mean anything. OK, so you own turquoise shoes and a shirt with turquoise in it: do they really belong together? You should construct an outfit with the level of care with which you would arrange a blind date. Think about how those individual components fit before putting them next to each other. Also, for my own mental health, I'm going to assume that the yellow garment I'm looking at is a really odd raincoat, because if I thought for even one second that she was earnestly wearing that smocky mess as a shirt, then I would have to stop this blog immediately for fear of the terrors to come.

It pains me to highlight what is clearly the worst part of this picture.

We get almost no indication of what Vanessa wears in the faux cooking segment of the story. If I had to take a guess, I'd say it's her episode 16 sweatsuit with the crap hanging off the front, in which case we had best move away. I refuse to say more about that beastly creation.

This dress could not have been deliberately designed. It must have been an accident.

Vanessa's dressy outfit proved hardest to capture; she was often in the background for this portion of the story. Maybe it was merciful, since there's not much to recommend this dress. I can see what they were going for: she's young, and the baggy cut and bubblegum color serve to reinforce her girlishness. But it's strange enough in its structure that it seems like maybe she tried and failed to be fashion-forward. Either that, or this is just too casual by half, even for a youngster at a grown-up party. The Oscars every year give us Dakota Fannings and Hailee Steinfelds bedecked in age-appropriate gowns. This pleated t-shirt is not the answer. We should also swiftly acknowledge that whatever she used as a belt looks like a coral reef made of scrunchies.

Hombre? Ooomaaa? Aroma?

Any guesses on what Rudy's hat says?

Om nom nom nom.

Her dress looks like it was stolen from the Emerald City's smallest cleaning lady, but I don't really want to get into that. I just want to watch this gif forever. I've been waiting for a long time to post it, and we've finally reached the appropriate moment. Fulfillment! Besides, I couldn't do the season's last review without including this child. She's fabulous.

I can't believe she wore this again. It hurts.

Mrs. Huxtable sets the bar oh-so-low with her first outfit, which is a head-to-toe repeat offense from episode 8. Everything I hated about it the first time remains loathsome. The more detailed view of the coat only reaffirms my initial reading of it as unforgivable. It's been a real roller coaster of a review, huh? We're jumping between triumph and tragedy too quickly for me to even keep up.

Also, now seems as good a time as any to discuss the age discrepancy between her and Mr. Cosby. The story that Clair and Cliff left for college in the same year just doesn't hold water. Even allowing for her starting school early and skipping a grade, she is at minimum supposed to be 46. At the time of filming, she was a full decade younger than that; she turned 37 a month after this episode aired. I don't really have a point, I just thought it should be overtly stated that she is not his contemporary.

Blue's Clues: The Stage Musical

Things don't get better for Clair in round two. It's possible that these are her episode 6 trousers, but I can't say for certain. They look bluer here than last time, but the whole screencap in that episode looks tinted differently. It's not worth dissecting. The point is that this is a wreck. I'm not against the idea of constraining an outfit to three shades and drawing all the interest from the patterns and combinations. That can be done. But to do it in this tonal range was probably a mistake because these bright blues are awfully cartoony. She could be a housewife mascot or a picnic superhero or something. The giantness of the shirt's plaid or the housecoat's color blocking aren't helping either. These pieces could work on their own (though the top half might take some advanced maneuvering), but they should never be allowed in the same outfit again. In fact, they shouldn't even be allowed in the same room together. Actually, the housecoat might need to be destroyed. The more I look at it, the less I want to look at it.

She's angry at Cliff in most of the screen grabs I take. I guess I like her feisty.

She brings it back for me in the evening wear category. On its own, the amethyst dress is pretty good. I'm a fan of the shimmery tone, and the cut isn't bad. (It's not fantastic, but it's not bad.) Where she really nails it, though, is the accessories. The colorful earrings and necklace are going in a new direction from her standard jewelry selections, and that dangling... dangly thing might be my new favorite. Look at the close shot, and then check the image on the left. Do we see how that piece hangs clear down from her shoulder to her waist? It's bizarre, but not unacceptable. It adds a splashy, exuberant quality to the look that I can get behind.

Oh, and there were two little guest stars.

I can't caption this appropriately because I've never watched The Mod Squad.

This is Clarence Williams III from The Mod Squad. I don't really care what he's wearing, I just felt like I had to include him because he's done other work. You might have heard of this other lady, too.

OMGOMGOMGOMG

OMG LENA HORNE. I don't have to list her credits and achievements. You know who she is, and if you don't, you should be learning about her instead of reading this blog. If you're going to close out a season of your sitcom, you may as well remind people that watching it will give them the occasional opportunity to hear living legends deliver knockout performances. This woman is a shining star, and everything about her sparkles in this episode. I'd love to wig out over her all day, but you'd be better served reading one of the many books written about her, or simply whiling away an evening watching her sing on YouTube. We came here to talk clothes, and that's what we're going to do.

This is a great dress for a woman who is nearly 70. Coverage can become more important as you get older, but you don't want to look Amish. She avoids that potential problem by picking a garment with as much interest as possible. The rich midnight is offset nicely by the golden print, and the sequinned stripes bring everything to life. On top of that, she pulls in a little shape with the wrappy quality of the belted middle. The great big scarf is also terrific, especially when you see how colorful it is.

No jokey captions for this lady. RESPECT.

The pink gradient? Knockout. I also want to talk about the hair. I don't love it from all angles, but this shot shows how from the front, she's serving a head shape that borders on extraterrestrial. I have no problem with that. This episode has been all about trying new things, and this woman has been around long enough that she's worked through all of that boring Earth fashion already. Level it up, Ms. Horne.

Wow. A whole season over and done with. Thanks for sticking with me, lovelies. I'll be back in action next week with our first glimpse at season 2. Get excited.

Season 1, Episode 23: Mr. Quiet

2011-11-06T17:31:00.001-05:00

This episode is strange to review because it's essentially only half in the Huxtable universe. The story is used as the starting point for a spin-off that never became a series, so the writers faced the hurdle of shoehorning in a charming couple and the community center they run, striving to keep the regular cast involved while hopefully proving that the new characters deserve a weekly showcase of their own. What follows becomes kind of a jumble: nobody is around long enough to do much of anything, and the central plot, about a wounded young boy who won't speak, is maybe a little serious for the inception of what I think was supposed to be a comedy. I'll throw in a few plot observations here and there, but I won't break too far from tradition (unlike the creators of this episode): this is still a blog about clothes.

I'm going to kick things off with a look at the many guest stars, mostly because their screen time is equal to, if not more than, that allotted to the series regulars.

"Knock Three Times" meets Tool Time.

I like that the producers wanted to create a show based around a Latino couple, which was no doubt still a tough sell at that time. (Go ahead, count how many Latino couples have headlines sitcoms since then.) I'm sure that getting a recognizable name seemed like the best way to get the green light, but I'm not sure that Tony Orlando was the optimal choice for the role of Tony Castillo. His screen presence is kind of flat. Some singers just shouldn't branch out into acting. Stick to what you're good at, Madonna... uh, I mean Tony. Anyhow, his wardrobe is every bit as bland as his performance. Cliff has thrown down better red plaids; the tightness of the pattern isn't great when compared to some of the bigger, bolder prints we've seen previously. The jeans are standard, but they're held back (no pun intended) by the braided belt. I know it was a different time and that's just how they dressed, but I hate braided belts a lot, and he sure is wearing one. Mainly, this look screams, "I do home repairs." He looks like Bob Vila, or maybe Richard Karn on Home Improvement, neither of whom is a particularly secure fashion reference.

I would be happier if she had literally tied a yellow ribbon around her waist.

Ada Maris appears as Tony's girlfriend, Selena Cruz. After this appearance, Ms. Cruz played recurring roles in several others shows ranging from Nurses to Star Trek: Enterprise. Here, she's portraying the center's therapist; the suit, I assume, is to give her an air of legitimacy in front of her clients, though most of her choices actively undermine that professional vibe. She's opted for olive suede with a contrasting peach cable knit sweater and a big belt made of... OK, your guess is as good as mine. The shades aren't bad empirically, I just think they read a little casual. I'd rather confess my childhood traumas to someone somber. I'm also not a fan of such a chunky wool number underneath a jacket, especially with the sleeves rolled like that. A thin merino, maybe, but not a piece with this heft. If you're cold, wear another layer. As I've said, the belt is mostly a question mark for me. I'm pretty sure I loathe it, but really I just can't comprehend it. Is it maybe silky and shimmery? Could it perhaps be translucent? Does it have stretch like lycra? Hey, we all want to project slimness through our midsections, especially under a shapeless coat, but there's got to be a better way.

He's back. Hide your kids, hide your wife.

David Langston Smyrl is back after his brief appearance in episode 19. Though playing a different person, his character Chester remains vociferously attracted to Clair. And who could blame him? I hate to waste your time discussing the obvious failure of sporting a track suit, so I'll instead quickly recap the goodness of that electric blue t-shirt peeking out from behind the pale gray. The red stripe is also a good call. Way to nail the palette, even if you're wearing socially acceptable pajamas in public. Then again, there was a hot minute when women everywhere were dying to get into one of those Juicy velour track suits, so maybe Chester is just way ahead of the curve.

Hipster Mom lost her son before Home Alone made it cool.

As Mrs. Tarron, the mother of the mysterious young boy, Pearl Tama earns her only screen acting credit. Rather than speculating about the brevity of her career, I'll focus my scorn on this lifeless arrangement of colorless rags she's showing off. The wardrobe people must have been going for an angelic motif with all the white and gray and beige; I think she's supposed to seem more pure and maternal because of her light, flowy dress. Of course, the thick sweater looks more like armor than wings, so maybe that's not the intent after all. I'm most interested in the single long braid, because it reads as an indicator of heritage to me. I get the sense that her hair was styled this way not because it looked current or chic, but because it stressed her ethnic background. She speaks with only a trace of an accent, but I wonder whether this was another way of suggesting that Mrs. Tarron is an immigrant. Especially when she slings it over to the side like that, it reminds me of the way Mexican women traditionally pull their hair into two braids (sometimes with awesome colored ribbons in them).

You are looking at the new face of floral arrangements in Brooklyn.

The IMDb does not list this man's name, and he only has four or five lines, but I had to include him because I think this combination is just awesome. This is another one of those moments where everything comes together even though it probably shouldn't. The old man being portrayed here probably doesn't buy new clothes a lot and probably doesn't think too hard about the clothes he puts on: he knows that blue goes with blue and gray goes with gray, so he dresses in a tight chromatic range and ignores other factors. Thus, to make him look good, the costuming department has to use great care in the textures and patterns and placement of each color. I think they did a bang-up job of creating interest through the fabric of the shirt and the muddling of the color on the cardigan, and the way the stripes on his sweater match the stripes on his tie... it's all there and it's all fabulous, and yet he's still got an outfit that reads "old man" and not "trying to look young." Triumphant. I want to look this sharp 30 years from now.

"He's late again? Well tell him Tina fucking Turner is here!"

Cliff's health class for expectant mothers contained a number of women with one or two lines, and I wasn't going to mention any of them except that one of them was Angela Bassett. I don't even really want to explore what she's wearing: I want to explore why she hasn't aged in the past 25 years. I'm not trying to imply that she's had work done, because I don't think she has: this isn't a Demi Moore situation where I need to get her surgeon's number. It seems that a combination of lifestyle choices and genetics have left her exceptionally well preserved. Go ahead, Angela. (But really, periwinkle is not your color.)

I've missed the Huxtables, haven't you? Let's not ignore them any longer.

Lisa Bonet, the world's worst drag king.

Vanessa and Denise get the least attention this episode, so I'll start with them. Denise is really hurting me here. Nothing's going well for her today. The severe bun is, well, severe: a little bit of crazy hair does a lot to illustrate her funky, rebellious nature, and also gives her face a better frame. Her floral blazer is an affront in all ways, and while I'm not confident that any shirt in the world could match it, I'm certain that the neon pink one she's wearing definitely doesn't. The only reason one might roll the sleeves of such a garment is to make it smaller and less visible, but this choice has the added consequence of showing us that the undershirt is short-sleeved, which I also find inadvisable. It's an all-around fiasco, I'm afraid.

Vanessa does a little better. Maybe the comparison is making me more forgiving, but I'm seeing where she's going with this one. The oranges and yellows and rusts being thrown around here are glorious and eye-catching and loud in the best way. Her overshirt is big enough to look dynamic rather than sloppy. Since this is neither the purple belt from episode 9 nor the one from episode 10, we're left with the knowledge that this child (or whoever shops for her) has an addiction to purple belts. This is the third one that we know of. But when you know how to use them, it's not hoarding: it's being prepared.

I was tempted to question the tropical attire in relation to her español, but
there's maybe nothing there so I'm letting it slide.

It's rare that I mention Rudy, and in this case I'm bringing her up sort of to generate a discussion about the show more generally. I will say, regarding her clothes specifically, that it's weird for her to be in a Hawaiian shirt when the rest of the family is dressed for cold. It's a nonsensical decision. But really she's pictured here because during the episode, Clair speaks to her in Spanish, and she responds in Spanish. This is strange on a number of levels. First of all, this is the second and I believe last time that Mrs. Huxtable's Spanish fluency is displayed on the show, and certainly the only time that her daughter's competence is mentioned. But beyond the linguistic disappearance: when was this ever a bilingual household? Why does only their youngest child habla? Wouldn't all or at least some of the kids have been raised this way? The whole thing is baffling.

Speaking of Mrs. Huxtable...

In an unaired subplot, Clair joins the X-Men.

This is what I get for asking her to change it up. Her usual demure exterior is gone, and in its place she has erected a monument to shame. So much work has gone into this monstrosity. I'm assuming that the bathrobe-y top and stirrup pants (yes, you read that right) were sold as a unit. It's not clear if the scarf came as part of the package or if someone was "lucky" enough to have located something in the same shade. On its own, I might not mind a sky blue shawl with black and red print detailing, but I think it looks terrible when slung over the shoulder of a matching outfit. The yellow tee is too bright, and adds a preschool-y sort of vibe to the mix. Too many primary colors floating around. Her earrings match the scarf perfectly, but sort of clash with the necklace (which I like, just not here). Things are just wacky overall. I'm struggling to figure out where this is an appropriate selection of attire. It wouldn't work while relaxing around the house, yet also seems out of place at a party or in the office. It's neither highly fashionable nor mundane. It's just off in that way that a counterfeit dollar is off: it looks alright on the surface but feels wrong on a deeper level.

I didn't critique the silent child's clothes. He's had enough trouble today.

Theo does not get his own screencap today because he is flagrantly wearing his episode 11 sports jersey after I specifically forbade it. Thus, we move right on to Cliff. What surprises me most about this look is that, though we're branching once again into slightly dangerous territory with the color and texture, he still has not shown us an outright Cosby sweater. It's been nearly an entire season. The lasting legacy of this series has always been our love/hate relationship with Dr. Huxtable's knitwear. And sure, this is a pretty unwholesome pairing of purples, and the stripes are a little strange, and the chenille-like roughness isn't entirely attractive. These are all true statements. Still, when I think Cosby sweater, I think fiasco. Like, five colors minimum, two competing patterns, maybe even multiple fabrics. This is ugly by human standards, but funereal by Cosby standards. Otherwise, gray shirt, khaki slacks. Yawnsville.

And there we have it. Closing in on the season finale, kids. Who's excited? I know I am.

Season 1, Episode 22: Slumber Party

2011-10-30T21:26:00.000-04:00

This is one of the episodes that I have remembered since I was just a child, probably because it's so youth-focused that it opens with Keshia Knight Pulliam informing the audience members specifically that this show will be directed at the kids watching. It's a really adorable twenty-odd minutes of television. Each of the tots is cuter than the last, and many of them have special talents like singing a rhyme or being the roundest little boy you have ever seen. Bill Cosby has a natural gift for interactions with the young'uns, too. It was interesting to watch the level of physical contact he had with the kids; I feel like some of his actions (in particular, the playful slap on the behind he gives to each of the children after the pony ride game) would have been avoided in a modern taping of the same story. But that's an examination for a different day.

The problem with a show about a slumber party is that it's really low on fashionable choices. Observe.

... as in My but this Moutfit is Muninteresting.

See? Theo throws down an ensemble that is completely unworthy of any attention whatsoever. He's been wearing those jeans, or ones just like them, for months now. Other than that, he's got a sweatshirt. Sure, I could waste your time with examinations of the interplay between the black and red, or the placement of the logo, or his jaunty choice to roll up his sleeves (because that's unexpected), but the truth is that this is one of the dullest arrangements of clothing I can think of, and I don't want to validate it with further attention.

The polychromatic heavens weep at your fashion missteps.

Vanessa's sweater here marks the beginning of a trend that will continue occasionally throughout the show: hand-me-downs. This Lucky Charms knit first showed up in episode 6 on Denise, and it wasn't any better back then, let me tell you. The look is too young for either of these girls; it would make sense on Rudy, maybe, but that's about where I draw the line. At least she's trying to spruce it up with the yellow turtleneck, but I'm still not convinced. She should also rethink the denim fisherman's coat, which makes her look like a dock worker in a Gap commercial.

Eventually, she'll wear only togas before entirely abandoning cloth for chrome and plastic.

I wish Denise had hung around a little longer so we could have figured out what was buried beneath this coat. As it stands, I can't even tell exactly what's happening with these layers. The jacket seems to have some sort of dark, patterned collar, and then the shirt underneath is also partially khaki, creating this weird optical illusion where you can't tell where one garment ends and the next begins. Thank goodness for that pink undershirt, mostly because I can tell exactly what it is. That giant scarf also deserves mention. It's so big that it barely looks like clothes. It's as if she decided to wear a throw rug or a bed sham or something. But the colors and patterns are so fabulous that I refuse to deny her the right to put it on her body, even if it used to cover a whole couch. Down in the corner there, you can see her old standby plaid pants, most recently carted out in episode 20. She wore them with a plain, light-colored jacket last time as well; maybe this is how the costume department throws some sass into her wardrobe when her top half is obscured? It's not the worst choice they could make.

I hate that thing around her neck so much.

This red top first appeared way back in episode 4, when Clair paired it with black pants instead of a black skirt. It retains its magical ability to distort the body wildly depending on the angle from which it is viewed. There are more flattering options for her. The skirt is nice, but I wonder if they hid the hem on purpose. We only see its length for a brief second in a panning shot:

Hopefully, she's planning on donning some epic legwarmers before going out.

Really, Clair? The rest of your family is dressed for cold. Vanessa has on two sweaters! You're not even going to wear stockings?! You could die of hypothermia. Your legs are lovely, but safety first. Don't leave five children without a mother.

"Rudy, are you ever sad that no one blogs about you?"

Cliff wears this, which is even duller than Theo's outfit. Even Rudy's outdoing him. Looks like we'll have to turn to the older generation for some wisdom.

A master class in class.

Earle Hyman makes another triumphant guest appearance as the dapper Russell Huxtable. Part of his fashion success might stem from the fact that we have yet to see Grandpa in his own home; since he's always out, he never gets to fall back on pajamas and loungewear like the rest of his family. As usual, getting out of the house is closely correlated with sartorial success in this show.

Getting down to the specifics of his decisions here, I love his consistently austere palette. The pastels above paired with the rich brown of his trousers give an overall warm and inviting look that retains some real elegance. Going for subtlety in the v-neck sweater, he keeps the tonal range pretty narrow while throwing in a tad of fun with the diagonal checker pattern. I wouldn't personally go out in this because I think it reads a little old, but that's kind of the point: he's dressed well for a man his age without looking like he's trying to skew younger.

OK, one more thing before we go, because this blew my mind. Which of these children grew up to be famous?

One of them is a million-dollar bill.

And no, I'm not talking about the Huxtable children, who are famous because of the show. I mean which of these guest stars later made it big? I'll give you a hint.

You don't know her name.

Who is that little girl?

Alicia Keys.

No, but for real.

I'll close on that note, because I have nothing else to say. See you next week, when we get to see a setup for a spin-off that never came to fruition. It's really weird in hindsight watching the producers and writers and actors trying so hard to make "fetch" happen when we all know that this fledgling sitcom completely never got made, or maybe even mentioned again.

Season 1, Episode 21: The Younger Woman

2011-10-24T00:03:00.001-04:00

This show has so many episodes, I can't even believe it. Sorry, lovelies, but I'm in recovery after a debilitating migraine, so my dial might be set a little further toward "bitchy" than usual. I'll try to keep the tone bouncy and lively, but secretly I'm wishing that half of the Huxtable children had perished in the previous episode just so I wouldn't have to review them today. (I won't say which half.)

Anyhow, this week a colleague comes over for dinner so that Cliff and Clair can meet his new lady friend. Before this meeting, arguments ensue in the Huxtable household over whether Cliff would, should, or could remarry following Clair's demise. When Dr. Newcomb shows up, his woman companion turns out to be close to Sondra's age. This is simultaneously distressing and hilarious to his hosts. The episode is thin on plot, but hopefully huge on fashion! Follow me, my children.

I bet that bed is so damn comfortable.

This is what Cliff serves up first, and it's not awful. The khakis are standard for him; I don't want to say the p word, so let's just say there's some front-bunch. In terms of the shirt, I'm not mad at it. The color scheme is nice; the amethyst and aqua offset each other much better than one might anticipate. I'm not hugely in favor of chunky vertical stripes overall, so I might have gone with a different way of juxtaposing those hues if I had designed this textile, but I didn't design this textile because I was a toddler when this shirt was made, so there you have it.

I feel less bad using the small print to point out how bulbous he looks.

After napping and changing, he delivers this little number, which I'm equally ambivalent about. The maroon is nice, and I like that the sweater has a cable knit to it to add a little variance. Those taupe trousers are my favorite pair; they're less common than the tan and black ones everyone else carts out all the time. The collar leaves me with questions about the rest of that shirt. It seems to be a sort of strange hue; something about its closeness to the deep red gives it the illusion of a greener cast than it probably has on its own. It also seems like the striping is strangely infrequent: I feel like there shouldn't be so much distance between them that we can only fit one on the collar. It must look way sparse, no?

You're probably wondering why Cliff was in bed in that earlier image. Well, that's because he got home at 3:07 in the morning, and he was greeting his wife.

Waking people before 9:00am usually gets you whatever the opposite of this is.

3:07 in the morning. Hell, if I met a woman that looked this good when someone jolted her awake at an unwholesome hour, I'd marry her, too. Which is really saying something, seeing as I'm gay. Which you knew because I maintain a blog about the clothes on The Cosby Show.

Seriously. Wonder Woman movie. This should have happened.

Everyone else wears only one outfit in this episode, because it would be impossible to spread this thin-ass story over more than one day. (Do we see the bitch creeping in?) Clair delivers this, which alerts me to the fact that even though she's broken cleanly out of the blue-purple family, she's still exploring too narrow a range of possibilities. Her go-to option is a solid blouse with black pants. Even when she has abandoned her beloved eggplants and aubergines for this glorious saffron, it still sort of looks like she's wearing a uniform. Granted, there's a realness there: you're a working mother of five, of course you're going to go to the mall, find a shirt that fits, and buy one in every color. Her monetary budget may not be restricted, but her time budget is wearing pretty damn thin. Especially when her husband is shaking her from her scant hours of slumber at 3:07am to talk about his widower friend. I'd try to smother him, too.

There's kind of a domestic violence undercurrent to this episode, huh?

Vanessa and Theo appear only briefly, and only together, so we'll just get them out of the way. Vanessa's shirt made an earlier appearance in episode 9, but worn quite differently. I'm liking it a little better with the brighter contrast from the yellow garment underneath. Points docked for p-word pants, however. Theo is wearing dark jeans and a purple t-shirt. Snooze. Don't make me rethink that death list, young man. (I've gone from bitchy to murderous. Not good. Stick with me, children. I'll eat some chocolate before I type the next paragraph.)

Is that an age-appropriate bedspread? Seems a bit toddler-y.

Denise is hella proud of these bangs; she's got height, body, and some near-icicle definition across the forehead. I can only imagine the hours of effort that could have been better applied in basically any other manner at all. The rest of the outfit has a sort of sloppy cuteness to it. The shirt is so dramatically giant that it says "I'm doing something fashion-y" and not "I don't know what my size is." The ruddiness of the pants is subtle, and the pattern up top is basic; she's really letting the volume be the star of the show here. I will neglect to mention that she is wearing shoes in bed (in her bed, it's so unspeakable I can't even) and just say that I kind of like this outfit.

Ye Olde Princetonne Wench

Have you ever gone to one of those "living history" re-enactment attractions like Colonial Williamsburg or whatever and listened to those weird people whose job it is to talk in the first person about how pies were made in the 1880s? At the end of the day, those actors go back to their lockers, put on their street clothes, and ask each other, "Was there one girl in a periwinkle blouse who talked to you for an uncomfortably long time?" Yes, yes there was. Seriously, Sondra, this is a step above Renaissance Festival. I will say that the screencap makes her look positively radiant in the facial region (and you know it burns me to type those words because I always dislike her and I ate my bitchberries this morning), but everything below the neck is a tragedy. Her skirt is so bad that I couldn't find a single frame featuring the whole thing at once. It's shown in snippets and flashes, as if the network found it too obscene to be broadcast in full.

Seeing more, enjoying less.

I know it's asking a lot, but look closely at those images and try to extrapolate the upholstery-grade awfulness that must be wrapped around her legs. Also, that blouse reaches her knees. And she's wearing a gross belt. It's like she was planted in the past like a Terminator to kill me through time with her offensive outfits. How many more seasons will I withstand this onslaught? Pray for me, children.

And now: guest stars.

Fun fact about my date: she's the host for a symbiotic parasite!

These two don't stick around for long and are never more than a few inches apart, so I gave up any attempts at discussing them as individuals. Robert King, playing Dr. Mike Newcomb, has held occasional small roles in his career. His resume is a sprinkling of accomplishments like "Jennifer's Dad in Perfect Strangers" or "Cyrus in Lust for Frankenstein (direct to video)." His much-younger girlfriend, Nicki Phillips, is played by someone that the nerds out there will probably recognize: Terry Farrell. That's right, Jadzia Dax from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine made an early appearance right here on The Cosby Show.

Look at the eye lines here. What are people looking at? Chaos reigns.

Their costuming is interesting to me, because they dressed her in a lot of neutrals, and then buried her in that big leather jacket. I'm guessing the intent was to make her look prim but still youthful, but really she practically disappears into the living room couch. That might also have been the goal. By contrast, her partner is much more vibrant looking with his rich blues and stripes. By today's standards, the popped collar would be a clear indicator that he was trying to come across a little younger, but I'm not sure if that was the implication when this was filmed. Regardless, neither of them is all that interesting from a clothing perspective. They also don't seem interested in staying very long, since they leave their coats on and barely even look at the coffee being served. So rude.

That's about enough of that. I should go meditate or drink some herbal tea or something. Why I gotta hate? Come back next week for an episode I'm sure you all remember.

Season 1, Episode 20: Back to the Track, Jack

2011-10-16T15:43:00.002-04:00

Whew! The last episode was so jam-packed with 80s style that writing it felt like a demanding workout. Ironically, this week's show is about a demanding workout, and as a result I will have to put in far less effort because a good half of the clothing shown is workout gear. Cliff's college track coach approaches him to run a relay race for men in his age bracket. Though not in prime condition, he accepts because doing so will afford him the chance to compete against his rival from the old days, Sanford "Tailwind" Turner. The rest of the family invests themselves entirely in the race with the exception of Vanessa, who gets asked to a boy's birthday party and worries over what to wear and how to dance.

We've all completely given up!

Let's just get it out of our systems: sweatsuits. This isn't even all of them. Not by a long shot. I'm skipping entire guest stars because they exist only in the realm of exercise gear. Sorry if you're for some reason super eager to read my opinions on track pants. I just think the less said about it, the better. Let's check some real clothes.

He is a harbinger of track suits, and thus my mortal enemy.

To kick things off, I'll examine the one new face deemed worthy of non-gym attire, Coach Ernie Scott. He is played by Al Freeman Jr., who won an Emmy for his work as Captain Ed Hall in One Life to Live and has since gained some fame for his portrayal of Elijah Muhammad in Malcolm X. He makes a good first impression with this look. Classic pieces like this overcoat will always serve you well, especially if you know how to break the mold in other areas. For instance, a quiet trench looks even better with a slightly louder scarf. I'll admit that the red and gold of the scarf are actively fighting with his similarly patterned tie, but otherwise he looks great. It's even better once the outerwear comes off.

Is it just the angle, or is he mad short?

When he first came in, I thought he was rocking a plain black sweater. I guess the lighting by the door just sucks, because it is in fact the perfect shade of green. Between the crisp white shirt and the rusty tie and the gray blazer and the rich brown corduroys (overlooking the pleats as we always must), he's really firing on all cylinders. Guest actors get precious little time to imprint themselves on the audience, so they have to be handled carefully. A lot of information needs to be conveyed through one outfit; there has to be a cover by which we can accurately judge the book. The coach strikes a good balance between rigidity and warmth, and that shows in his highly formal yet comfortable outfit.

Puff, the tragic fashion.

This is a great example of when Theo's forays into layering fall flat. It's just not always appropriate to wear one collared shirt over another. In terms of palette, he's doing fine: there's an awful lot of that grape-y color, but it matches nicely with the candy-like pink and white stripes beneath it. The styling gets an A for effort, at least: if the proportions were better, I'd be commending him for the way his sleeves roll together to flash a little color at the cuff. Unfortunately, the bottom shirt is clearly too large, meaning that the one over it needs to be almost comically sized to compensate. The result is completely tenty. This, like pleats, is something I'm just going to have to get used to. This is how clothes were expected to fit back then. Maybe our current obesity epidemic stems from our comfort with seeing people in puffy, droopy, overlarge clothes. Like, Malcolm-Jamal Warner may as well be fat if he's going to be parading around in XXXLs anyway.

Don't even come all the way down. Go back up and change. Now.

Also, he may as well not show up at all if he's only going to deliver one line and wear this episode 5 sweater for which I have already voiced disdain. Come on, kid. Step it up.

Finally coming into her own. I'll never doubt you again.

Vanessa's apparently on a mission to win me over, and the effort is paying off. I'm loving the whole vibe of this ensemble. The top is just baggy enough, the belt is sassy, the coverage and fit are age-appropriate, the deep coral is wonderful, and the earrings are fish again. In fact, I'm pretty sure they're different fish than last time; she actually listened when I asked her to do that more. No wonder she's getting noticed by the boys all of a sudden. She's clearly out to impress us.

It appears I spoke too soon.

Unfortunately, when she's trying to impress a boy, she goes a little bonkers. Denise might not be a good influence on her. Maybe she needs to see a little more of Sondra's hyper-prep to balance things out. I mean, what are we going for here? Other than the color and maybe one or two accessories, this is pretty awful. I'm most concerned with the texturing across the sleeves and chest. It looks overwrought and tacky, not to mention oddly provocative. Like, if that panel at her neck is meant to be unbuttoned and opened, then what does it say when the same stitching detail is repeated once over each of her developing breasts? Not OK. There's something compelling about earrings so ugly they just don't care, and I'd be ready to love them except that they're too colorful to play nicely with a necklace and bracelets that are primarily white. She spends this scene asking her father for advice on how to slow dance with a boy, but I'm surmising from this rather preposterous dress that it's maybe not something she has to worry about.

"Hello? I'll get her. Right boob, it's for you."

Oh, Denise. You are forever merging rightness and wrongness in new and confusing ways. Some of this I can get behind. As a general concept, I've become indoctrinated into the leggings/oxford/sweater getup that's made a resurgence with the so many other 80s looks recently. Her tonal choices here are pretty interesting, too; the buttery yellow and ochery orange would be about as compatible as oil and water if it weren't for that calming periwinkle, which goes a long way toward tying this whole mess together. Still, something about that headband screams "loungewear" to me, which makes everything else seem like pajamas. I know I complimented her use of color, but I think that these summery hues, while well selected, might be better off decorating the furnishings of a quaint bed-and-breakfast than adorning a teenage girl. It should also be pointed out that the splashy, splotchy pattern on her shirt is foul. That effect really did not stand the test of time.

Her blush is blushing.

These pants appeared fairly recently, when she comforted Theo in episode 17. Today, she's wearing them to cheer on her father. Clearly, she believes in the healing power of plaid. We never really catch a glimpse of the top she's hiding under that jacket, and I've learned by now never to think I could predict Denise's next move, so there will be no speculation here. Let's just focus on the jacket. The fact that it's too big for her is, I'm sure, shocking to no one. What surprises me is its relative plainness. Sure, she got a little out of the ordinary with that collar, but it's mostly a rather standard coat. This is another time when I wish I could see this garment in person to make a clear assessment. I'm 90 percent sure it's off-white, but there's a part of me that things it could be truly ivory. My guess is that it's eggshell or cream or one of those almost-colorless colors simply because white photographs poorly. Regardless of the logic behind the decision, the beigening of a wild child is a sad thing to witness. Give this woman a colored jacket.

Grimace.

I'm counting this as real clothing only because otherwise Cliff wouldn't be reviewed at all in this entry, and that seems wrong. We'll bypass the track pants and simply say that he looks lovely in this purple.

You need to watch this episode for her "excuse me" moment. It's the best.

Speaking of family members who never get their due and the faint praise thrown their way, can we stop and discuss how much I love gray and pink together? This color combination is perfect for those days when you feel like looking prim yet fun. By going for stripes and being five years old, Rudy manages to avoid the business-ier aspects of these hues. But picture a gray pencil skirt with a pink ruffly blouse. It's way feminine and flirty, but it seems austere as well. Or a man in a pink Oxford shirt with slim, pale gray slacks. Well appointed, yet approachable. Think about this for the future. Learn from the youngest Huxtable, or whoever dressed her.

She is snapping and saying "fierce" here, oddly not in reference to herself.

You knew I was saving Clair for last. This first outfit is mostly pretty standard for her. We've seen her in black pants with a blouse of this cut many times before. Everything is fitted well for her shape, while still retaining some give and flow. The collar, the jewelry, the shimmer of the fabric, they're all standard issue at this point. The belt might be a little different. The real stunner here is that she's presenting full-on aqua, which I don't believe she's ever worn on the show before. It's a daring color, especially in a shiny material, and I love it on her. See? There's no need to make everything purple. We have options, Mrs. Huxtable.

This gasp of dismay is also not self-referential.

This, however, should not be an option. Initially, I wanted to fall in love with this sweater. The idea of a luxuriously gigantic turtleneck was so appealing to me. But I was envisioning some glamorous angora like what Julie Christie wore in Dr. Zhivago, and instead she's giving me this cable-patterned mess. Beyond the texturing, which cheapens this garment significantly, I'm concerned with the tapered sleeve, which totally undercuts the effect of a voluminous piece like this. Plus, when we look at the cuffs and collar, we can see that she has something red on underneath or, heaven forefend, built into the garment itself. Regardless, beyond the delight of the cobalt, I can't really condone this tease of a look. You were better off staying at the top of the stairs and letting me guess at this one, hon.

Is that everyone? I think that's everyone. We're closing in on the end of the first season. Can you believe it? It's been such a long, glorious journey already, and it's far, far from over.

Season 1, Episode 19: Clair's Case

2011-10-10T23:49:00.000-04:00

The show often shows Clair coming home from work, talking about work, and occasionally even working at the office, but it's a rare treat to see her litigate as we do today. After Sondra (yes, Sondra is back) gets ripped off by a mechanic and her lawyer has the audacity to suggest settling out of court, Clair takes matters into her own hands. Since she's working overtime, the other children chip in with chores around the house, giving Cliff a chance to deliver some memorable lessons about how to make a bed or mop the floor.

Since this story takes place over multiple days, several family members wear multiple outfits. Also, the people who leave the house throw on their best duds; distance from the home continues to increase presentability among the Huxtable clan. On the other hand, the younger children spend the whole time cleaning up, meaning that they are relegated to sweats or sweats-like attire. With that being the case, let's get the young ones out of the way first.

It's a 10. You'd rewear it, too.

Theo gets two looks, but the first one is a repeat. At least it's a wise repeat; this shirt-over-shirt combo from episode 5 was half my reason for starting this blog in the first place. I don't have more to say about it other than LOOK AT IT. Resplendence.

I had to widen my screencap format to get all that shoulder in there.

Once it's time to get down to business, though, he goes from infallible to inexplicable. In terms of color, he's right where he should be. As he proved in episode 8, he looks terrific in pink. On the other hand, I'm thrown by the whole "fleece tunic" configuration: the hugeness of the cut, the way the fabric changes texture near the collar, the giant buttonholes... it's almost built to imply that he's wearing an awful undershirt beneath an awful v-neck sweatshirt. If his first outfit was a layering risk done right, then this is certainly layering done wrong. Or really, not done at all.

"The Huxtable Girls Variety Hour!" with special guest, Moppy.

I'll get to the girls individually, but I figured it would save time to give them a group shot. Besides, I remembered this little mopping dance fondly from when I first saw it air, so I couldn't very well skip it.

Cage? Triage? Underage? Garage?

Vanessa has missed the mark here for the most part. Taking a page from her older sister's book, she's opted for something absurdly oversized, but hasn't really made any of the styling choices that would support such a move. Given how long this top is, it should really be belted. I know she's not going anywhere, so some sloppiness it to be expected, but if I give everyone free passes then there's nothing to write about. This is a lot of pink, and even though the text breaks it up some, a division in the middle to give it shape and variation wouldn't have hurt. (Side note: I was convinced for most of the episode that her shirt said "RAGE" across it, but it actually says "ON STAGE.") Despite these obstacles, she manages to pull of a couple wins. I'm a fan of the daring day-glo, especially paired with the stark black leggings and pointy boots (which are maybe a tad old for her but whatever), and the goldfish earrings are just phenomenal. They might be the best accessory I've ever seen on her. New edict: I want Vanessa to sport more animals. If only I could affect change in the past. And how sad that this is how I'd waste that superpower.

Phoney Stalloney.

Denise is in full-on lounge mode, so actively critiquing her outfit seems somewhat futile. She obviously didn't wear it with the intention of looking good, so why bitch about how she doesn't look good? This is what you would expect her to throw on for a day off: a baggy, assertively hued shirt with some wide pants that don't reach her ankle. I'm bemused by that headband. Functionally, yes, of course it makes sense, but there seems to be an attempt at a fashion statement happening here. Like, it's not just pulling hair away from her face: it's actively creating height and volume in a manner too extreme to be accidental. It's a move so bizarre that I have trouble forming a clear opinion of it. I'm trying to envision this hairstyle ("hairstyle") in another context, perhaps with a formal dress. My gut says that this is an outright fail, but something about Denise's ability to pull truffles from the scraggliest, murkiest depths makes me wonder if I should just have faith that it's a kind of amazingness that I don't quite appreciate yet.

As usual, I'm none too keen on clocking Rudy's duds. She's a child. I'm feeling that cardigan, though. I would wear it if it came in my size.

Keshia Knight Pulliam hid iron weights in her shirt for this scene.

Rudy also wore pajamas during this episode, though really I'm only using her as a means of segueing into Cliff's attire. This shot gives us a good look at his pants, which have a kind of heathered texture to them that I enjoy. Pants can get too loud pretty quickly, so he adds just the right amount of pizzazz with the unevenness of the khaki. I should develop a shorthand for dealing with pleats so that I don't have to mention them each time; maybe I'll just start calling it out in the caption to avoid taking up further space. Captions are hard to think of anyway. The blue shirt goes well with the trousers, but we've seen it before.

"I'm a grown man and I will put buttons wherever I damn well please."

I was confused by this look in episode 8, and I'm still confused now. The details are odd, and I want them to go away. Cliff looks best in classic pieces. His triumphs come not from the individual garments so much as the interesting ways in which he combines and accessorizes them.

It's so nice when the director actually gives me a full-length shot of someone.

This outfit feels almost too old for Dr. Huxtable. Something about the gray pants, lavender sweater, and chestnut loafers makes me think of a grandfather. He pulls it off, though, because he's got personality, and you know that he wasn't just throwing some random configuration of clothes together. This here is a man who thinks about his style. The pattern of soft pastels is stellar on him. It's weird to see so much subtlety in the wool numbers he wears this season. We've come to think of this character in terms of his brashest choices, when really he pulled off some delightful moves early in the show's run. I'm bracing myself for when the true Cosby Sweaters make their way into the vernacular. I'm not sure if they'll make my job easier or harder.

His Julia Child voice is kind of upsetting.

For cleaning day, Cliff opts for some sweatpants that I won't discuss at all, and a shirt that I'll mention only briefly. The length was compelling to me when I first saw it. Something about it seemed international in its styling; I pictured an Indian or Middle Eastern man in a kurta as the inspiration. I don't necessarily think that was anyone's plan when this top was pulled off the rack, but it was an interesting flavor to get thrown in nonetheless. Also: new apron. Fun!

It's kind of sinister that this man shows up at his house months later
using an assumed name and pretending they hadn't met before.

His fourth and final ensemble is his accompanying-Clair-to-court look, which rescues his episode 8 blazer by pairing it more prudently with his episode 5 sweater vest. It's tough for me to discern whether his collared shirt is white or palest pink. I think the colors as shown are a little deceiving; for instance, the lines on his vest look pretty white here, but were clearly yellow last time around. I'm going to guess that it's a trick of the light or a flaw in the video adding redness to the shirt, but I wouldn't bet money on it or anything. It doesn't hugely matter; either option would look lovely.

We should also talk about David Langston Smyrl, who guest stars here as the nameless man in court who converses with Cliff about Clair's prowess both as a lawyer and as a person in general. The casting people obviously enjoyed his performance, because he comes back a handful of times throughout the show's run to play two other characters. I can't argue with their opinion: he's a compelling performer and has good screen chemistry with Mr. Cosby.

He also wears this outfit like a champ. The attention to detail here is fantastic. He's clearly meant to look like someone who doesn't have a ton of money to buy new clothes for court every day: this is a hobby for him, but he's stretching to look like he belongs. The shirt is a little casual, the blazer is maybe ten years old, and the tie is probably twice that. As a character, Man in Court probably threw together a blue striped tie and a brown plaid shirt without thinking about it; as a costumer, Sarah Lemire (who was the queen of wardrobe for the entire series) obviously pondered pretty carefully. The pieces fall into place effortlessly. I just love this look.

What a depressing courtroom. Everyone loses this case.

Since we're talking about guest stars, I'll also get to another two: Lloyd Battista plays the lawyer (whose name is never given). He's held small roles in a wide array of film and television projects, including a couple movies over the past decade. His client, Mr. Wilson, is portrayed by Shawn Elliott. This marks one of the only times in Elliott's career that his ethnicity is not overtly referenced in his character's name. His resume is bursting with credits like Judge Santos, Detective Ortega, Paco, Domingo, and even a highly specific listing in Do The Right Thing as "Puerto Rican Icee Man." There's enough else going on in this episode that I don't want to spend forever talking about these two, but it's worth mentioning that they share a common design theme. Their styling is just a little off; they're not quite dressed for a mid-80s hearing. The client looks too casual in his corduroy, and the lawyer's suit looks a few years out of date. As the eventual losers in this case, we're given subtle cues about their lack of polish from these costuming decisions. Legitimate contenders are validated with awesome clothes; shabby litigants get bargain-bin leftovers.

Damn you for making me say nice things about you.

We could only coast by for so long before Sondra made another appearance. She's at least less annoying in this episode; the script focuses on her ability to eat Cliff's cooking when no one else will, rather than stressing her know-it-all tendencies. (For a sitcom about a lawyer and a doctor raising children, they get a lot of mileage out of "listen to how the hoity-toity Princeton girl talks" jokes.) Also, she looks kind of nice here, at least from the neck up. The shaggy, breezy hair is a better choice than the various half-up configurations she's previously tried, and I wish she'd stick with it more often. While the make-up is pretty, I worry that it matures her slightly. She doesn't look old, it's just that she's playing a college student and she's 27. As a woman who's only a decade younger than the actor playing her mother (who is, as alluded to in previous entries, too young to be playing the mother role), Sabrina Le Beauf needs to be styled carefully.

Ignoring the pretty face, she's delivering some pretty gross clothes. This suit seems to have been purchased from the David Byrne collection. It's just so gravely broad! I can't complain about the color combination, and the brooch isn't terrible, but she looks like she's wearing someone else's belongings. The fit is that off. Maybe it was fashionable once, but it's really plainly bad from any reasonable perspective.

How can we work it so you are only ever seen sideways?

This one came so close. Look at it from the side. The rusty slacks, blue oxford shirt, and charcoal sweater vest deliver the exact pairing of youthfulness and studiousness that the character requires. In profile, the fit is pretty great, too; some puff in the sleeve, but an overall slim silhouette that makes her look young, bright-eyed, and collegiate. But then she turns straight on, and the whole thing just spirals out of control. More wideness! Flagrant pleating! Strange faux-suspender stripes! Sondra, why you do this? I was prepared to give her praise, and then she trolled me. Ouch.

Objection, your honor. The plaintiff shops at Talbot's.

Her last look is her courtroom suit. This is what she wears to convince the judge that she is an honest, upstanding citizen. Her eye for color is really showing through in this episode; I'm not sure that anyone else in the family would have opted for quite this shade. It looks great on her, and it's professional without conforming to stodgy expectations of gray and khaki. On the other hand, this is yet another outfit that was built without real consideration for her shape. Her family has money, they can afford to buy her a nice suit, or to have a tailor take a stab at it if the off-the-rack purchase is malformed. Apparently she enjoys looking like this, though I just can't comprehend why. The desk prevents us from ever knowing if she was wearing a peasant skirt or gauchos or lycra leggings or what. It could be anything! It doesn't matter, nothing would have made this OK in my eyes.

And finally: Clair, my true love and only muse.

That's a wrap, folks.

Remember how I said that no one else in the family would attempt that color? I lied a little; Clair is rocking a closely related shade at the beginning of the episode. (It's practically blasphemous to say that I prefer Sondra's choice, but it's true.) This slightly darker, dustier slate-ish color is alright, though. She's coming home from work, so it makes sense that she'd be rocking a more corporate vibe. Her affinity for atypical draping is back again, this time with less success than in the past. I don't adore this neckline; its height and sag suggest a turkey wattle. Similarly, she's baggy in all the wrong places around the waist. The wrapping is fun in theory, it just doesn't always work. The pearls are fabulous, though.

Crime spree. This lady will steal your clothes and your heart.

This sweater is just totally Clair's now, huh? I wonder if the production team did this intentionally, or if some assistant just saw this and assumed that it was a lady's garment and the rest is history. I kind of hope that Cliff picks it up again down the road. It'd be interesting to see it reclaimed. Maybe another character will wear it at some point. This cardigan has a bright future ahead of it, regardless. It's pretty stellar. The rest of the outfit isn't quite so grand. This coral-y number isn't bad, but it's a little dowdy. The pants could fit better. Whatever, she's not actually in court, she's just going through the motions. This outfit says, "I don't really care." Reading you loud and clear, honey.

Turning in? More like turn it out, am I right?

This is another entry in the "Nobody Looks Like This At Bedtime" series. Do we see the smoky eye? The raspberry lips? The pajamas? Her attire says "I'm about to retire for the evening," but the rest of her says "I'm just getting started." When her husband finally falls asleep, she's going to hit the town.

Look at that face. He's done for. She's a lioness going in for the kill.

And finally, we have Clair's lawyer realness. It's funny: from the close-up shot, this almost looks like an emerald judge's robe. It gives the impression that it should be fuller and baggier throughout. Maybe that's part of her strategy; she's playing psychological tricks on people, subliminally suggesting that she holds even greater authority in some sort of Oz-like judiciary system. Once we back up, though, we see that this isn't a fantasyland barrister costume, but more of a businesslike zoot suit. I'm thrilled to finally see Clair move into new territory on the color wheel, but a little saddened by the rest of this. The dress underneath (or blouse/skirt pairing, who knows?) seems solid. You can't really go wrong with a basic: good length, classy cowl neck... this is foundational. I just wish she had done something else with the coat, which is poorly tailored and has awkward sleeves and just doesn't do a lot to make me happy.

Before we end this, I have two more screencaps. They are my favorite images that I have ever taken from this show. I know, you'd think that Clair holding the joint would be a clear winner (and until today, it was), but these are both so phenomenal that I just have to share them. They're both of Phylicia Rashad, of course. First, there's this moment right after the trial, where Cliff pretends he's never met her and asks her out on a first date. When he first gets her attention, she turns around and hits him with this:

"Who, me?"

Just brilliant. It's all right there. Clair Huxtable is an almost impossible role to play: she's smart enough to be a lawyer, sassy enough to cut you with her wit, maternal enough to raise five intelligent and well-behaved children, beautiful enough to captivate every man around her, and on top of it still in love (and sexually active) with her husband after all these years. She is the perfect woman. And it's all there, in this one look. This person is flawless. This, however, is my second-favorite shot. You see, above is an actor who knows what she's doing. Below is a moment between moments; she's mid-turn, doing something accidental, not quite thinking, and it to me is a moment of true beauty.

The ascension.

I don't know, it just speaks to me. She looks like she's ready to rise to a higher plane. I'm even rethinking my critique of the dress when I look at this.

We'll end with Rudy, because I overlooked an outfit of hers that was a repeat, though I don't think I commented on it last time, either.

Does a body good.

Thanks, Rudy. It's been a long day. We needed that. Until next time, kids.