Season 5, Episode 1: Together Again and Again

Remember how there was a whole episode devoted to Denise choosing a college? Theo never got that. In fact, there was no mention of his graduation last season whatsoever. So it's a little jarring to learn that he's supposed to start classes at NYU this week. Of course, we can't keep losing children to the dorms, so a convenient plot contrivance leaves him without a place to stay on campus, forcing him to live at home. Meanwhile, Denise announces to her parents that she won't be returning to Hillman because her interests lie outside academia.

What are we doing here? Like, what is all of this?

Rudy is 9 this season, and it seems from the premier as though they're starting her transition her into tween attire. This short sweatshirt, gaudy belt, and bodacious pair of harem pants are more fashion-y items than she's previously been given. Most of her wardrobe, outside of formal pieces, has been overtly childish. While this isn't a grown-up outfit by any stretch, it has a bit of perspective to it. I don't know that I actually like it, but I look forward to learning about Rudy's developing personal style.

Asserting individuality.

Vanessa is also maturing her look a little. By wearing a loose top and skirt, she was perhaps hoping to obscure her figure, but the high belt dividing the outfit ends up creating an exaggerated hourglass shape that accentuates her shape. Her playful use of color really draws me in: none of the pieces match, but they all coordinate surprisingly well. The flowery top wouldn't work if it were longer, but I can accept it because it ends before her rib cage, making it quirky and chic. While my initial reaction to this look was confusion, it's proved to be quite compelling. I can't stop looking away, which means she's done something exceptionally right.

 A tail of the rat that bit you.

Sadly, not everyone in the family has lived up to their potential. Theo delivers another bland, boring presentation. His attempts at subtle fascinations like the dark bands at his cuffs and collar or the barest hint of mock turtleneck only illustrate how dull a slumpy white top can be. And I know you'd be happier not noticing this, but I'm obligated to point out the short rat tail he's grown out, with a single bead braided into it. A new low!

Maybe she packed all the good clothes?

Speaking of new lows, Denise hasn't looked this bad since the first season. I haven't the faintest idea why she's wearing a knee-length shirt in shades that don't suit her, or why she's paired that upsetting top with pajama pants. Her whole formless getup makes her look roughly the same shape is that bag she's carrying, only in prints normally reserved for the carpets in Carribbean airports. I'm going to assume that her sudden lack of taste is a symptom of the emotional distress caused by her decision to drop out of college.

Baby on board!

So wait, how much time has passed between seasons? There was no mention of a baby last year, and suddenly Sondra is seven months pregnant? I don't know that there will be a ton of value in reviewing her maternity clothes, since it's just going to be a bunch of baggy shirts and elastic-waist pants, but I'll try to offer little observations here and there. For instance, this look includes a khaki vest to remind you that the wilderness store is the closest she comes to having a personality trait.

He's going to start selling a line of tents for infants.

The career change has taken a toll on this couple's attire. Elvin seems to have forgotten what colors are, or maybe he washed all of his things together on hot and they all came out the same slate gray? There's a hint of forest green coming through that I enjoy, but he's doing his best to hide it. On any other outfit, the tiny buttons would be terrible, but here they're the only thing preventing that shirt from functioning as an invisibility cloak.

Legally boring.

Clair loves a tunic over leggings. I guess this isn't truly a tunic in that there's some structural detailing. I'm not in love with anything about this; the braided effect on the cuff lacks grace, and a zipper usually looks chintzy. It could be worse, I guess.

It's late and I'm running out of captions. Sorry.

Am I the only one who thinks this sweater looks familiar? I can't find evidence of it in the archives, so I'll assume that my memory is faulty (a pretty safe assumption, really). But it's probably not a good sign that my initial reaction to this piece was, "Oh, this again."

If we all think happy thoughts, next week will get better, right? Join me in changing television history by using the Secret to retroactively create awesome outfits for the Huxtables.

Season 5: Opening Credits

Of all the opening sequences, this one is probably most remembered by fans. Performing a Broadway-style dance routine (choreographed by Geoffrey Holder) to a stirring orchestral rendition of the theme song, the cast presents a weird and wonderful take on the introductory credits. On the other hand, the stagey pieces in which they have been dressed have limited relevance to modern fashion, as that was not the intent.

Vogue.

I mean, they look great, but they're clearly delivering a fantasy rather than a reality. Not that I will absolve myself of my responsibilities because of these costumes, but this'll be a short entry.

Updo.

Rudy's appearance in the credits is briefer than the others: as you can see, she's not in the opening pose. My guess is that, as a child actor, she was present for fewer rehearsals, requiring portions of the number that could be worked without her. Honestly, the choreography makes wonderful use of the cast, which I assume is largely made up of non-dancers. But back to this dress: the ruffles are ruffly, and the palette suggests the inside and outside of a grapefruit as rendered in pastels. It's right for what it is.

Icon.

This look announces to us that Vanessa is entering her goddess phase. Look at her face: she's ready to begin her journey into adulthood. It's tough to read for sure, but if you go back to that first image of the whole family, you can see that this skirt might also be pants; there's a ring of ruffle that appears to extend only around one leg. Not sure what that's about, but I like that someone is taking chances. I think there's a touch too much happening with the multiple bands of color at her neckline and hem. It's busier than anything else onstage. Otherwise, this meshes well with the other pieces.

Buh?

Theo looks like he's going to the beach.

Glerb?

You might notice that we jumped to Sondra without hitting Denise, who is next in line age-wise. (Did you know that I intentionally go through each family member in age order? Maybe I never explained that.) It's true: Denise is still at Hillman and will only appear in a few episodes this season. They're all right at the beginning, which gives us something immediate to look forward to, but it will make her subsequent absence all the tougher. Anyway, Sondra looks fine here.

Hee!

That's right, Elvin, show off that chest hair. Maybe untuck your shirt, though.

EVERYTHING.

As a veteran of the Broadway stage, Phylicia knows exactly what she's doing up there. Look at her. She is positively breathtaking in that shot, and the grace with which she moves is delicious. And oh how I love her in pink! Two shades of pink! She's wonderful.

"Daaaaaad! You're embarrassing us!"

And of course Cliff. Bill Cosby is not a good dancer, but he serves face. The color combo here is a little louder than some of the others, which highlights his bananas personality while making him the center of attention (as does the fact that he stays in one place for the whole number). The frayed edges of his shorts add to the tropical, casual vibe.

And there you have it. On we go. I hope you're ready for what this season has in store. (I hope I'm ready for what this season has in store.)

Season 4, Episode 23: Gone Fishin'

When I saw the synopsis of this episode online, I thought it must be a joke. Not so much, it turns out: the fourth season of this show really ends with Theo finding a mobster's body in the river. They don't show the corpse or anything, but it's a major plot point nonetheless. He gets a little media attention and of course becomes a total asshole about it, but ends up getting cut down to size when a local news reporter features Rudy's discovery of a bird's nest over his pompous interview.

"You know what my viewers love? Self-involved teens."

Action News correspondent Harriet Waters is played by Alanna Davis, in her only IMDb credit. She's trying to sell professionalism here, and I guess comes up with a look that's work-appropriate even if it's not particularly fashionable. The overly wide, rusty red blazer isn't doing a lot for her, and the sallow shirt beneath it is a poor complement to her coloring. She's got pink undertones! Also, the buttons come off as childlike, and the only reason they don't seem huge is because the entire jacket is sized improperly. I can't complain about a black skirt with black tights, but everything else is doing her a disservice.

"Here to comment: an eight-year-old girl and her pseudo-husband."

Side note: she films the interview hours before the broadcast and goes live on air that night in the same exact outfit (thought with different hair and make-up).

He had almost nothing to say, but I still had to include him.

She also bring in a cameraman, portrayed by Darrell Echols. After this one-line job, he took on a couple other small parts before giving up on the acting thing, it seems. He's not wearing anything that warrants lengthy commentary. Solid if unremarkable color choices, with maybe a hair too much reliance on the mottled, fuzzy texture.

I'll discuss you at length when you start dressing right.

I'll admit it: I'm tired of pretending like there's anything to say about the clothing choices of youngsters. Like, they're kids, they're clothed, whatever. Here are Rudy and Kenny, presented for completeness' sake.

Children: poor fashion references.

Again, they exist. I briefly thought that Rudy was wearing the denim jacket that Kenny wore yesterday, but button placement reveals that they are indeed two separate items. (Kenny's top button is just below the horizontal chest seam, while Rudy's is just above.)

I'm choosing not to talk about that green and yellow... thing.

Vanessa opts not to remove her coat for her first scene, so really all way have to talk about are those flowy, capri-length floral pants. I hate them.

Or about these nightclothes.

She changes into these items later that same day to watch the 11:00 news, so I have to assume that they're pajamas.

Local gangster killed by visual assault. Story at 11.

We haven't seen Theo's pain-inducing vest since episode #3.12. He's used similarly off-putting jeans to ensure that looking at him is nearly as unpleasant as looking at a body dredged from a river. At least that hoodie is a nice shade.

Killing spree continues, culprit still at large.

My wish for season 5 is that it opens with Theo destroying these seam-front jeans. Followed immediately by the demise of this sherbet-colored sweatshirt, which is offensive from every angle. The lurid interplay of the orange and pink is particularly unsavory. Don't look at it anymore. Scroll down, save yourself.

Dressed to win press.

For his interview, Theo reprises his jacket from episode #2.18 and his tie from #3.21 with what appears to be a new shirt. It's not a terrible combination, though the palette is a bit loud overall. There's a used car salesman vibe about it. Also, the pants are the wrong shade of khaki; he should be leaning slightly darker, more toward olive or mustard.

Seeing her in drab clothes makes me so so sad.

We only see Clair's first look from the waist up. Maybe this is one of Cliff's shirts? There's no other explanation for how big and ugly it is. Maybe there's a better outfit underneath this smock that she'll reveal once she's finished with breakfast?

Well, that's a thousand percent better.

She looks divine in red, and has been pulling the color out more frequently of late. I love that there's no lapel on this coat: sleek, well-tailored, and modern. The high, thin black skirt and jauntily spotted top bring in flavors of fun and flirtation without losing professionalism and elegance. Ten out of ten, dear.

And then worse again.

But before the press arrives, she changes into this featureless purple getup, presumably because if the cameras saw her in her full glory, all attention would shift from her lackluster son as the story became an exploration of the smartest, most interesting, most beautiful woman in all the world, soon to be elected President of the Universe. This is her Clark Kent drag so that no one will know her true power.

That face is his impersonation of the dead man. Classy.

Unlike his son, Cliff goes fishing in style, matching his episode #4.17 shirt perfectly with some pine green slacks. While I could do without that hat, the jacket is wonderful.

It feels wrong to end on an old look, but that's just how things panned out.

His second look is a direct repeat of his #3.20 outfit.

And that's that! We're exactly halfway through the run of the show now: four seasons over, four seasons left. Hope it's been as enjoyable for you as it has been for me. See you next week with an exploration of the most memorable credits sequence of the whole series!

Season 4, Episode 22: The Prom

The prom is coming up, and Theo and his friends want to arrive in style. When a limo turns out not to be impressive enough by their standards, they opt for a helicopter instead. It does not go well. Back at home, Vanessa and Rudy help Cliff throw a prom for Clair to make up for the fact that finals prevented him from taking her to the dance when they were younger.

Teenage boys, always checking to see who has the bigger... limo.

Gerald makes another appearance as the show's semi-antagonist. This time, he's there to brag about how his limo is the biggest and best. I'm not blaming him for the helicopter incident: there's no need to make everything into a pissing contest, and it's Theo's fault for rising to the bait. I am, however, blaming him for wearing a purple sweatshirt in public. Dismissed.

He needs someone else to choose his outfits from now on.

Denny returns as part of Theo's post-Cockroach entourage. He looks a mess in this getup. The tones are all too muted, nothing fits, the un-collar of his shirt bothers me for a non-specific reason, and acid-washed denim is a cultural mistake about which we should all be ashamed.

I nominate his date as future clothes-chooser.

He cleans up nice, though. The tux is sharp, and he gets extra points for pushing the envelope with a white tie, white gloves, and a top hat.

Not impressed by the helicopter.

His date, Sylvia, is played by Broadway actress LaChanze. She makes her television debut here, and has made a few on-screen appearances here and there, but is mostly known for starring in musicals like Once Upon This Island and The Color Purple, for which she won a Tony. (That shot of her in the center is post-helicopter, and I can't get enough of how furious she looks.) This dress is solid; I like the slight asymmetry and the playful shape. The skirt length and bare shoulders feel flirty without getting inappropriate. It would have been nice for her to tweak one or both of these colors. The grass green could be brighter, or maybe that fuchsia could be punched up a little. If you're going to wear a loud dress, you may as well go all the way loud.

I'm pretty sure he does no falsetto singing at any point during the series.

It's still weird to me that Adam Sandler got his start on this show. He's back as Smitty, the goofy one. Accentuating his goofiness: those mom jeans, that raggedy t-shirt, and those too-white hi-tops.

He looks like he's about to bomb at an open mic night.

OK, now we're just trying too hard with the "personality" thing. Jeans and a velvet jacket with a tuxedo shirt from, what, the 1800s? And the flower instead of a tie? It's all so forcibly zany that I barely even register the fact that his pocket is vomiting.

...and she knows how to use them.

He manages to land a date with Roxanne, who is played by six-foot-tall legit model Stacey Williams. In addition to small appearances on film (for instance as a former girlfriend in Jerry Maguire), she has done print work in places like the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition. I thought she was serving a pretty bland outfit initially, just a yellow sweatery/blousy thing (let's call it a cardishirt) and a denim skirt, but then I realized in the long shot that she's wearing black panty hose. That's a bold look for daytime at any age, but particularly in the halls of your high school. Dang, girl.

Effortless beauty.

Her prom dress is a candy confection and I mostly adore it. I don't know that it absolutely needs to be diagonal at the bottom, given that the incline is so slight anyway. Plus, there's a weird fabric polyp down in the corner, and if leveling those ruffles would prevent that, then I'm especially eager to implement such a fix. But the color is wonderful, the all-over texture is divine, and she's a princess tonight. Smitty is never going to have it this good again.

I wouldn't have gone out with him again after this. She's a champ.

The last of the prom dates is Michelle Thomas in her first appearance as Theo's long-time girlfriend Justine. The two actually dated in real life after this, and he was at her bedside when she passed away from cancer at only 29. She is best remembered for this part and her subsequent performances as Steve Urkel's girlfriend on Family Matters. I'm liking the overall cut and color of this dress, though there's a slight fit problem happening in the chest that's making her shape a little awkward. But she has a great Diana Ross and the Supremes vibe, and earns a million bonus points for picking orange shoes. It shouldn't work, but it does. It works so hard.

This show consistently equates shortness with funniness.

Robert Weil appears briefly as the limo driver. You might remember him from Moonstruck  or Saturday Night Fever, but probably not. He's wearing a uniform, so let's just keep moving ahead. We've still got a whole regular cast to get through!

She's wearing a tiny ring. Are she and Kenny engaged?

Rudy's first scene happens at the kitchen table, so this is all we see. Banded sweatshirt over a pastel turtleneck. Mainly this is interesting because her hair is almost always braided, meaning that I completely underestimated how much of it there actually is. Those pigtails are long and voluminous. I was unaware.

Don't make her wear round clothes and hold round things. Rude.

More sweats, this time in brighter colors, plus a number 88 to let you know that she's on a sports team of some sort. Perhaps a league of spherical children? Really, get her one shirt that fits. One. For me.

Those had better be fake pearls.

For the restaged prom, Rudy and Vanessa dress up like period-appropriate chaperones. You know how you can tell a family is rich? When they have tons of fancy costumes for their kids just lying around. Like, who has the budget to buy tiny, classic hats that will only be worn if their child decides to do something inexplicable like throw a retro party? It' makes no sense. I love that little lightly patterned skirt, though; that's a good formal piece for any old time. While her red coat is a good vintage find, it's another one that will probably spend the rest of its life unseen in a closet.

Maybe it's better from the ribs down.

Vanessa is also seated at the kitchen table for the first segment, so we're left with this. I'm guessing by the thick band at the neck that this is her episode #4.20 purple top, with a rust button-up shirt over it. Eh. (Also: were shell necklaces associated with dudes you should definitely not date when this episode aired?)

I dig that brooch. Get it?!

Her second scene also happens mostly behind a table, and when she finally stands up to leave, she carries a gigantic sign. If we hadn't seen her legs in the third segment, I'd have begun to worry that there was a problem of some sort. This murky yellow isn't so hot for me. It's not that it looks bad on her specifically; more that it looks bad in general. It reminds me of mustard that has gone bad. She attempts to spice it up by opting for pins that are shovels. Just shovels. It's a decision.

She should wear more baby pink.

More costumes! She even has fake glasses lying around! And another hat! I guess Cliff could have taken the girls to buy these pieces when they went shopping for party supplies, which explains why he wasn't around to dissuade Theo from renting a helicopter.

Behind bars.

Theo starts the show in an imagined collaboration between Tommy Hilfiger and Tim Burton. So many black and gray stripes! Any second now, he'll be starring in a movie in which a misunderstood hero finds love with a daft but warm-hearted woman while Danny Elfman music plays. In terms of fashion, nothing is going particularly well for him, but the loafers are somehow the most offensive to me.

Can't go wrong with one of these babies.

At least the tux is deluxe, and he's keeping with the family tradition of that kente tie. Though I wish the white scarf matched the off-white shirt.

A goddess even when handling Tupperwear.

We don't see enough of Clair's first dress, but from what I can gather from its short screen time, it's delightful. My favorite part is the bit of white lining inside the sleeve. That kind of attention to detail is what really makes a garment shine. The presentation is simple but impeccable.

A plague on the vestments that besmirch her loveliness!

She allows her standards to slip for her second look, however. I can support the aquamarine, but the pajama-y tailoring works against her, particularly this tent of a shirt. Look at how it destroys her silhouette in the first panel: her torso is broadened, her legs are shortened, and her arms become doughy nubs. Other than the detailing going down the back, this gives us little to really look at. She's as flat and square as a paint chip at the hardware store. Not good.

Opera gloves. I live.

Cliff claims that this is her original prom dress, which he had altered. That makes no sense. First off, she wasn't planning on going to prom, so why did she buy a dress? And since she didn't attend the dance, why save the dress she didn't get to wear? And was there really enough extra fabric to seamlessly expand the whole creation? Oh, and while we're talking about inconsistencies, this version of the timeline is continuing with the revised history in which Clair went to school after Cliff because she is younger than him, even though they used to be the same age and went to college at the same time.

Ignoring all that nonsense, she looks friggin' adorable.

Now the Mario Bros. theme song is stuck in my head.

It could very well just be a knitting technique, but I can't help but feel as though Cliff's first sweater is partially inspired by pixelated art in video games. This is like a Christmas sweater as viewed on a Nintendo. Also, check out the khaki cargos and green striped socks. Because tomorrow...

The headache has moved to my knitwear.

...he wears them again! This time, his sweater says "tv static" to me, which sort of continues the technology theme.

He has a retro tuxedo just in case, I guess.

And lastly, he pulls out the prom tuxedo. Note that since he is portraying a teenage version of himself, he opts for the simple bow tie, and not the crossover he apparently adopted in later years.

Well, that was a lot. Proms are exhausting, huh? And I didn't even think to save what I wore. Then again, I rented my tux. And it was really ugly.